Hi IM's... imperfect yes I am! In a few short weeks my little one is turning 6, naturally we are planning a party. My little one has chosen those from her class that she wanted to invite. Invites went out Monday... the trouble is there is one girl in her class (amongst others), who my little one elected not to invite. This one girl is in all of my daughters class groups and sits next to her in the seating arrangement.
For some time my little one has been expressing how smothered she has felt by this girl and how rude and at times "nasty and mean" this girl can be if she doesn't get her way. I on multiple times asked my little one to consider inviting her but she flatly stated that she doesn't want this little girl at her party.
I have crossed paths with the mother of this little girl on 4 occassions this week, however this mother waited until my mum was at school today for pick up (I was at work) to discuss her upset about the situation, and verbalise the devastation that her little girl was feeling in not being invited.
I and my partner both work in a field that doesn't really allow associations with those with shady habits... this mother has on many occasions attempted to discuss her illegal substance use with me and other mums when at school.... after the first conversation I put the walls up, I am polite and say hello, but I don't engage in conversation.
Despite how I feel regarding this mother's habits, I hadn't allowed it to cloud the friendship of the girls. I was extremely frustrated this evening to find out that this mother had approached my mum and not me. She also explained that she understands that I dislike her, not from anything I have said but she can just see it. I honestly can't say I dislike her, I don't know her.... I just dislike her conversation topics chosen for the school grounds and don't feel it's appropriate conversation for the environment.
My little one is quite frightened of what this other girl will do if she isn't invited but doesn't want her there regardless.
My question is am I a bad mum for not making my daughter invite this other girl?
Should I approach the mother?
This is meant to be a fun time for my daughter but instead she is worrying about other people's reactions.
9 Replies
No, not a bad mum. I don't think you owe any parent an explanation (as long as you don't invite an entire class of kids and leave off one child for example).
If you do need to say something to the mother You just say something simple like we are on a tight budget so have restricted numbers to x amount, this year and that's also the number of children I feel I can safely monitor at this time.
They'll be sad, that was to be expected if they sit next to each other and she thought they were friends. If your daughter was worried about making her sad she should have invited her. Its not too late to change her mind as long as its out of compassion and friendship, not guilt.
Get over the adult issues I think they are actually the problem here and they shouldn't be.
Your daughter chose not to invite this girl, so support her on this, united front and keep it real simple, no drama. Your daughter says, this girl will be really angry and what if this or that...you say, so sad, too bad, she misses this party, happens to everyone, we can't all be invited to everything. If you show no angst about it to her, don't talk about the mother and all the drama in front of her, act like its nothing, it will ease her anxiousness. Tell her if the other girl questions her, just say, I was only allowed to invite x amount, maybe next year. Kids react how we do, just make it a non issue. If the mother confronts you, same attitude, my daughter was limited to x amount and she chose who she wanted. Good luck!
We don't do parties every year. Last year we hired a jumpy castle as that's what my daughter wanted. We limited the invites for safety reasons. There some kids that were upset when they found out but we explained we simply didn't have the space in our yard to do a whole class party.
Kids need to learn they can not always be invited to every party and kids need to know it ok not to invite those who they don't get along with.
I think this other mum needs to but out and teach her kid the world don't revolve around them. (I personally wouldn't associate with someone who open discusses illegal activities in a school yard either).
If your child afraid at school I would speak with class teacher.
Unless your daughter invited every child in her class except the mentioned child, I don't feel it's a problem, not everyone will like you in life, nor will you get invited to everything and that's ok, so don't feel bad and don't make her invite said girl I hope she has a great party
****I totally disagree with that post. I ask you teach your daughter to be kind to all and also be understanding of everyone. The kid is 6 and if she's upsetting your daughter you can maybe just think it could come from many different factors.bad home life/feeling left out by others? Ect ect. The world would be a better place if we tought to be kids to be understanding to all. Kids can have feelings towards others but teaching them that we still be kind and understanding cause this is life. I would hate my kids to feel left out and would never teach my child to bully( manipulate a child) over a party.
It might seem mean or unfair to not invite everyone but when I was young (7ish) I was invited to a party in which the bday girl was a horrid person towards me in and outside of school and I spent the whole time at the party being bullied by the birthday girl and her friends. Needless to say I didn't invite her to mine because I would rather be happy at my bday party rather then be bullied. I say let her invite who she wants and by the sounds of it- maybe the mum isn't aware of her daughters behaviour towards yours
I am almost 40 years old and spent a lot of my childhood growing up in various countries. So when we used to come back home for a few years at a time it was hard to assimilate as I was a shy child.
I had a group of girlfriends in the 3rd grade one of whom lived across the road from me. One day she came up to me with a birthday invitation for her Halloween slumber party and told me quite plainly "I don't want you there, I'm only inviting you because my Mum made me."
I still carry these words with me to this day almost 32yrs later. It was heartbreaking. I went and had a good time but in the back of my mind was what she had said. However I would've been devastated and so very embarrassed at school the next week if I hadn't had been invited. It would've sent me straight back into my shell of not feeling valued or good enough.
I understand all the Mums saying that it's her party and her right to choose who she wants to have there, and it is to a certain extent. But please remember she's only 6 and doesn't understand why this little girl may be acting out. It sounds as though her home life may be far from perfect. Not being invited might absolutely shred any self-worth she has left and start a spiral into worse behaviour at school.
Anyway I just wanted to give you the perspective of the hurt and left-out little girl. I hope it hurts to hear both sides of the story.
I think if she sits with her and she is in her groups then she probably should have been invited. I can see how the other little girl would have thought they were friends.
Your daughter is only six she doesn't really have firm friends.
My son had his sixth birthday party in August and he has already changed his mind about who he would invite next time.