How do you cope with unsupportive partners during pregnancy?
Sorry this may be long.
Bit of background.. We have known each other a very long time and started hanging out again at the start of the year. We got together about 6 or so months ago and I fell pregnant a couple months ago. He acted crazy when I found out and when I told him my feelings about what I wanted to do. To the point he was emotionally trying to control me and broke up with me. This was hurtful and he reacted extremely badly but I forgave him about a week later very cautiously cause he has a few issues with his other children and mothers so I let it go being he actually seemed sorry and I thought he would come around.
Ever since then tho it's still been hell.. (I know what your thinking by now is that I should have kicked him to the curb but hear me out a bit longer and believe me iv tried). He has gone through weeks where he will constantly say he doesn't want this with me, arguments about abortion and how iv forced this onto him and he's not got a say (I absolutely didn't he knew where I stood and about my contraception and we were both irresponsible) and him emotionally abusing me trying to make me feel guilty, him avoiding me, he blames his depression on me, iv ruined his life, I'm selfish ect ect I could go on... He takes no blame and thinks abortion is basically a form of contraception.
Anyway this has beaten me down iv put up with it but not given in. Iv cried and told him how I feel but his feelings always are more important cause what iv done to him is worse and quote from him 'you had a choice'..
Iv kept him here in my life as I don't want both my kids to have been brought into the world into broken homes and despite all the bad things about him he has stuck around and there is also many good things and he's a decent dad. He's not physically abusive and isn't emotionally abusive about anything else and I'm also no angel he puts up with a lot from me too. We both aren't perfect. He has come around ever so slightly but seems like that won't happen till baby is born.. We can't talk about the baby he gets upset or we argue, he gets upset when I talk about it with others infront of him and he will actually leave and say he's busy then get upset I've told them more than what he knows but how can I tell him anything when he doesn't wan to talk about it or it makes him upset.. The past week iv been allowed to bring up little things and I talk about what I can and can't eat and when I feel sick and he's been supportive with those 2 things. The killer which has changed so much for me is I had a 12wk ultrasound that he said he would come to (I was so excited thinking he was coming around) and we got about 5seconds away from the place and he says he's not coming in and that a phone call is more important (it was about his son which was important but it could have waited till after the scan) and he sat in the car the whole time and wasn't on the phone the whole time. I was so upset holding back tears on my own that sonographer felt sorry for me and spent more time showing me baby. I got into car and home and couldn't even look at him. He didn't want to see the pictures at all... I balled my eyes out half the day and have never been so hurt or upset. It ruined the whole thing for me.. I told him how I felt and we argued a bit how he felt ect then he sucked up to me.. Something that was supposed be exciting a good memory was already ruined tho. I would have taken my mum if I knew he was going to do that. Anyway since then iv totally shut down now. I'm over it all.. I'm seeing all the little things I don't like about him and resenting him, I'm now pushing him away. I don't want to give up on us just yet but how do I stop feeling so angry and hurt by everything he's done?... There is so much more I could add on but I won't. It would take all day.
We both have things we need work on but iv shut down and put walls back up and he's to selfish to actually work them out with on my own. He also talks to all his friends who are mostly younger women who at some point have had a crush on him and apparently they all agree with him on everything which doesn't help cause he can't see what he's doing wrong...
I don't really know what advice I'm even expecting.? I know I'll probably get mostly comments on leaving him or I'm a bitch for keeping a baby he didn't want.. but any advice on just how cope and get through to him would be nice?.. Or even how I can support his feelings more if that's what it takes and I'm in the wrong? For now iv slightly distanced myself from him and I get plenty of time away from from him stressing me out and baby as I don't live with him and he ignores me sometimes lol.
We both have used our free psychologist sessions so neither if us can even see them for help.
Would councelling as a couple help?
Please also keep in mind this isn't the full story so harsh unhelpful comments really aren't needed. He's not perfect and neither am I and we as a couple need to work things out not just throw them away at the flick of hat cause things got complicated. We are Awsome as a couple and love each other just both letting each down on this one major thing. I don't know how to make it through the rest when so many big decisions need to made together without both of us on board. I just want both of us somewhat on board so we can at least discuss these things. Even if he's still angry and hurt at me too.
Thanks imperfect mums.
6 Replies
Sorry you are not awesome as a couple. If you were awesome as a couple he wouldn't be treating you like this. Being an awesome couple is about how we behave and treat our partner in the rough times. Anyone can be an awesome partner in the good times.
It sounds like this baby will be born into a 'broken home' even if you are still together, because this relationship is toxic and having a baby born into a toxic relationship, is not good for baby. Relationship counselling might help. But it will only help if he chooses to put his big boy panties on and decides to stop treating this pregnancy like its a punishment. If he doesn't decide to act like an adult and move past it (it is a decision) then counselling is a waste of time.
I have been in your position but it was my first pregnancy. I told him to piss off, best thing I ever did.
Ohhhh...you already have a child, you aren't new to this rodeo, there have been a few posts lately about women getting pregnant a few months into a new relationship. I am a single mum and I honestly don't understand, after one failed relationship, I am soooo careful. When you have a child, you owe it to them to be extremely cautious about new potential partners, this relationship may have worked out, but honestly, I think the stress of this pregnancy so early on in the piece has destroyed anything that could have been there. You are a single mum, you don't live with him, you are strong, you can do this. You need to take care of you and this beautiful baby growing inside of you, you shouldn't be dealing with all this stress. Take a step back, stop engaging with him, tell him when the appointments are with no expectation of his presence. Give yourselves time to adjust, maybe reconnect with a chat in a few months when things aren't so tense. Let him come to you. Please take care of your own mental health, your beautiful growing baby and your other lovely child because your other child would be feeling all this toxic negative energy between you both. Time to put your kids first and good luck with the pregnancy, I hope it all work out and I truly wish you all the best.
Not being nasty however you stated you don't want to bring your child and now baby up in a broken family... sweetheart it's broken he has stated how he feels. Are you wanting your other child to see how this guy is treating you and their new brother or sister and for them to think that this is ok?
You are a strong capable woman who can do this and find someone who loves and respects you and your kids. Instead of a mental abussive person who wants nothing to do with this baby right now.
You may not be perfect who is but stop forcing something toxic that will more then likely end in tears so you can have a "perfect family"
It's easy for other people to say leave him. But reality is that you're going to do whatever you want. And if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then I don't see why you shouldn't to be honest. He sounds like an immature turd but there's plenty of those men around. It's possible he will grow up, not likely but definitely possible. It takes men longner to come around so for your sake I hope that is all it is.
I went to my first 3 scans alone because the father wasn't interested and did NOT want our baby. We were broken up until I was about 25 weeks along! But we worked it out and he's the best dad around now. I'm pretty sure my partner is the exception but that's not to say yours isn't too
Thanks mummas.. Below and on Facebook..
This has been a tad hard to read replies but I think reading replies I can see how this relationship just isn't going to work and yes my kids happiness is more important and I want them to see I don't deserve to be treated like this.
I guess iv made up so many excuses for him cause he's made me feel so guilty for what iv done. :(
I just wanted to say to the mum who pointed out that I have another child from a relationship that didn't work out that yes I tried to be careful and was single for 3 years and avoided sex for 3 years to avoid this very situation but unfortunately contraception failed me and I was in the process of making changes when this happened and I regret we didn't use other measures but what's done is done and it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother to my child I already have... I co parent pretty great with my child's father..
And to the mums questioning about his other kids yes he has other kids to other mothers one child he isn't allowed to see by the mother. Not sure what happened with either mums and I don't fully believe his stories there is always 2 sides and yes it should have been red flags but iv known him a long time and I thought he had changed and he's a wonderful dad who seemed to co parent well so I guess I ignored the red flags. I wonder if he treated them the same tho and feel so sorry for them... He's made out was a victim to them also. :(
Anyway I'm really glad I posted and so it's nice to see other mums who have been in same situation and the support I'm reading has made me cry.
I'm really wanting to end things with him for my kids sakes.
Iv really been distancing myself from him and letting him come to me. I guess iv given up and fed up.
He's recently said more things which has me thinking I'm totally 100% on my own and I may aswell just end things with him now. Not sure how things will work out but wish me luck.
And truely thanks for everyone's support even if it's not what I was hoping for it's really opened my eyes. Xxx
Don't settle for second best. You deserve a partner who will love and support you. Your boyfriend will just continue to cause you a world of hurt. Concentrate on loving yourself and getting support from your family and friends.