I will try to make this as succinct as I can.
My mother in law has a grandchild that has lived with her and his "mother" since he was born 10 years ago.
His "mother" has never really bothered with him as the grandmother has been left to do everything.
The problem is that this Grandmother never has time for any of her other grandchildren as she is always "too busy" with him.
Even when we see her (we have to go there as it's too much of an effort for her to drive the 15 mins here) and he isn't there it is "J this" and "J that"
He gets expensive gifts while ours get something small (which doesn't bother me much now but when my kids are older I'm sure they will notice)
Even when we ask something simple like can our 2yo come over for a few hours while we go shopping gets a No, I'm too busy with J. (She has never babysat or had the kids there without us at all)
She just took J on a holiday for a week and has been back a few weeks now and still hasn't contacted us to see how us or the kids are.
There was also a birthday lunch for her last week that we found out about on FB (obviously we didn't get an invite).
There is no animosity between us at all, we actually get on we'll, so it isn't that
It's really making me sad, bitter, angry, frustrated.
I know I should just get over it but I know that by the time she isn't busy with J because he has grown up then we will get told No because she is "too old"
I just want my kids to have a relationship with her.
12 Replies
So you are resenting a child, because your mum has had to step up and raise him because his own mother is a deadbeat?
She is only his grandmother in name, in every other way she is his Parent. She is too old to be a parent and I'm sure she was looking forward to being a normal grandma. She is probably exhausted in many ways. I can pretty much bet that she takes the child on holidays is because she knows his mum is incapable of doing such normal things, and that if she went away on her own, she'd spend the entire holiday worrying that the boy wasn't being looked after.
I think stop looking at what you think your children are missing out on and think what an amazing mum you have, for stepping up and raising a child she never planned to raise abc shouldn't have to raise.
Start to think of that child as your sibling. Because that is truly who he is. Which is why his presents cost more than your children's, because she is buying as if she was mum, not grandma.
Be grateful that your mum is doing this. Find out if there is anything you can do to make her life easier.
I can guarantee your mum loves your kids immensely, she clearly is a lovely caring woman, and she isn't doing any of this because your kids are less than, it's just your kids are lucky enough to have YOU as there mother.
So shes shortchanging her grandkids because they have a functioning mother, while she chooses instead to put her efforts into a child who does have a mum, and support this situation instead of getting the deadbeat mother on her feet or out the door so they can all function healthily.
100% agree with you
My experience is if you want to get over it and have a relationship with her, youll have to do that. She won't change you can choose to take it or leave it.
Ive heard that excuse too. Too busy with other grandchild. She canceled a rare babysitting the day before we moved away because other grandchild was sick with a bug. Even though their mother was there with them. Its a mental mother/child state of putting that one first, you wont change it.
I chose to leave it after enough years and nothing but us being on the outside and getting stress it was too much negativity to keep up with.
I mean she is a grandmother looking after a 10 year old that isn't her child. I can only assume she's at least 50 or 60 to boot. She probably IS busy with "J". Or she's probably so worn out she just wants time to herself when she's not with him. I highly doubt She doesn't love your children as much but she's clearly compensating for the fact Js parents abandoned him... thinking he needs more love because your children have you and your husband.
She's basically that child's mother and you think it's unfair she buys him better presents? When he doesn't have anyone else? If your kids grow up to think that's unfair you've done a pretty bad job at teaching them compassion.
Sorry, harsh but true.
Maybe you start building a bond with j, good enough that grandma can see you guys get along well. Then, you could have j for a night and she has your kids. Would that work? What about your parents, are they involved grandparents? J obviously only has nana, whilst yours have mum, dad, sibling plus your family? Don't resent her for taking care of her grandson, I am sure she wasn't expecting this. Also, could you take j to give her a break for a while?
Question is would you feel the same if this was your partners sibling, a foster child or an adopted child?
Honestly be grateful that you aren't having to raise the child, because that's probably the alternative, or the child would be in foster care!
Wow i wonder if all the people commenting here would be grateful to a relative that did nothing to see your kids? Did you read that she doesnt message for weeks, doesnt invite them to hers even for her birthday celebration, doesnt go there, i can imagine this IM is happy to share care and make it work better for all the grandkids and grandma, but grandma doesnt want that. Shes busy putting absolutely everything into one child.
Is being assured she loves them while getting nothing else really supposed to be enough for this mum and her kids?
Not to mention the mother lives with j and grandma too. So the mother does absolutely nothing for him so grandma can't do a thing with the rest of the family??
I'd be pissed too if I was a member of that family.
Just clarify a few things
1. His "mother" actually lives there with them
2. He also has a father he goes to every fortnight
Ppl seem to be focusing on the present part. That's the least of my worries.
The fact is that she doesn't give a shit about her other grandchildren
I'm just wondering why you are so focused on your hubby's family? Is your family around? I think leave him to worry about and be hurt by his and you just focus on yours. I know it's hurtful, but they aren't actually your flesh and blood, so it probably wouldn't upset me that much.
I could imagine that would feel really crap and I can understand your hurt. It sucks when you feel like there is favourites.
However think the situation may need to be looked at with a different perspective. Grandma is doing a wonderful thing making sure this little boy has been loved and cared for from the day he was born. If one of my kids were a total useless parent, I'd probably do the same. I'd feel really disappointed and angry at my child and want to shower my grandchild in love to make sure he never felt unwanted.
I guess if you look at it as, grandma is your nephew's mum, those holidays and presents and totally reasonable. Because if she doesn't take him on holidays or buy him big gifts at christmas, who will?
Grandma would want her grandson to have a wonderful child hood, with fun memories, like any parent wants for their child. She doesn't want him to miss out because mum is incapable.
What is your children's relationship with your mum? I know with my own kids my mum is their special Grandma. Mostly because she lives close by and gets to spend more time with them than my husband's mum. At the end of the day your kids just wont have a special relationship with your mother in law. As your kids get older and if they ask why grandma only does things with J, you can always explain that grandma has had to look after J since he was a baby so grandma is like J's mummy.