I am feeling lost and confused as to what I should do. I will try and recap as briefly as I can what I'm going through and feeling.
My youngest daughter (15 years old) & I moved interstate to be with my partner who moved back to his home town for work. He works hard and often 7 days a week. The only people I now know is his family who are all lovely and have welcomed us into their family. I really do miss my family and friends though.
Recently his 2 children from a previous relationship came to live with us. One of the kids is really hard work, she is in year 5 & can hardly read and has very bad behavioural issues. When everything is going her way she is a loving child who tells me she loves me and sits on my lap etc but if I ask her to put something away in her room or to have a shower, basically anything she doesn't want to do etc she goes off the deep end swearing and slamming doors, her bedroom is another matter it's like a bomb site, her mother kept a messy house so she has never been taught to put things away or tidy up after herself. Her grandmother and Aunty who live close by can see her behaviour and tries to talk to her. I am going to speak to the school to see about counselling for her as I love her and just want the best for her but it's putting a massive strain on the house.
As sad as it is to say the other 2 kids are happy when she isn't home. She has gone away for a few days with her grandparents basically to give us all a break.
My partner can now see her behaviour is affecting everyone and is now standing up and scolding her or sending her to her room if she is being naughty or swearing or hitting the dog for barking at her cause she is teasing him. There are so many things that she does but it's too much to write here.
I just want our happy household back for all of our sakes. Some days I feel like I can't cope and that I am going to have some sort of a breakdown. I have 2 kids of my own and have never had this type of behaviour before.
My partners ex cheated on him quite a lot and he only stayed because of the kids and he worked a lot but he finally left her. He will tell anyone that he hates her and that she is a sl#t and that all he wanted was his kids which we now have. She has only had them for one weekend in the 4 months that they have lived here for. I was on his phone last night and a text message from her came through so I opened it and I saw messages between the 2 of them over the past couple of days that I didn't like and can't stop thinking about, she has lost a fair bit of weight recently so she had sent him some face and body pics (she was clothed in them) and his reply was that she looked great and that she always does look good. She thanked him and he said how he cares what happens to her as she was telling him how a guy had just dumped her and my partner was saying things like I will get him for you and how he doesn't want to see her hurt and that she couldn't know how much he cares.
I'm crushed.... I've taken on his kids and am trying to do the right thing by them. All of his family tell me how they look so much healthier now and how happy they look (when the daughter is being good lol) I love my partner so much, I wouldn't have moved here if I didn't and he tells me so many times each day how much he loves me either when he is home from work or random texts when he is at work.... so why would he be texting his ex unless it's about the kids?
There have been other texts previously and when I asked him he explained it and he said he is nice to her so that she doesn't try and cause any trouble. I would never text my ex saying things like this.
Not sure what I'm asking or just venting and I don't think I have written this properly as it's so much worse in person. Some days I just want to pack up myself and my daughter and move back to where we came from.
7 Replies
Maybe no help, maybe the support you need but screw that I would be out. Putting yourself through that for his kids and their both shitting on you. No way. Yes pack up yourself and your daughter. Look after you two because noone else is.
Personally I would leave. You're doing all this stuff to help these children and they are both texting each other like that? They can raise their bloody kids themselves
You're an amazing woman. Kudos to you.
After reading this I can understand why you'd be tempted to pack up and leave. I hope you don't.
I can't imagine living with the step daughter the way she is. It's harder when they're not your own kids and my partner and I have different parenting styles. He's much softer than I am and lets them get away with much more than I'm comfortable with. I have to step back even though I don't agree. It's not my place. I'll offer my thoughts if he asks me.
Your step daughter hasn't had the best role model. She needs help to get there so maybe build up to it. e.g. When you're wanting her to shower give her a time limit and then a consequence if it isn't done rather than straight out telling her to have a shower. I do this with my kids and mostly the consequence is unplugging the modem lol.
As for the messages that hit a little too close to home.
My partners ex did the same thing. Sent photos of herself ready to go out asking what he thought etc. He also replied with compliments.
I called him on it. I told him it was upsetting for me and crossing boundaries. He told me he did it because she suffered anxiety and depression and he didn't want to make it worse. Well - what about my mental health?
The problem with my partner and his ex were they didn't have appropriate boundaries. All sorts of inappropriate stuff was discussed even when I was in the room at one point.
It was all too much for me. I did end up leaving! We managed to work it out and we are obviously still together.
My partner and his ex have boundaries now and any communication is just about the kids. It took a long time to get to that stage.
It's your partners job to set the boundaries. It might mean ignoring his exes texts rather than responding (if he doesn't want to verbally tell her to back off).
You will have to talk to him about it and tell him you're struggling etc and even thinking of leaving. He needs to hear it.
If it's all too much and it is evident that nothing is going to change then by all means walk away. You have to look after you first.
Good luck
The messages would have me leaving him and his ex to it! Don't sacrifice yourself.
As to the little girl, she sounds like she is in a really bad place her Dad needs to step up and get more involved and proactive. He shouldn't be leaving the heavy lifting to you. She is too old for you to be taking over in the mummy role and she doesn't know you well enough for that. He needs to speak to the school regarding her behaviour and also needs to organise a peadiatrician and child psychologist! But it's the DADs job to do it. Working isn't an excuse. Parents that both work manage to do these things just fine so he can.
I hope you leave him! Completely inappropriate msgs."you dont know how much i care" and "ill get him for you"(her ex) wtf? Thats is more then just trying to keep the peace in my eyes.
You are obviously putting your heart into raising their kids right and being a great step mum and they are sending these types of msgs to each other and not for the first time.
Please dont think that those msgs are appropriate in any way at all. You and your daughter deserve better !
Thank you for your replies. I'm still torn as to what to do, the past few days we had some other issues to deal with and he knows I'm not happy with how things are right now. I haven't discussed with him about the text messages as yet as I don't know how to bring it up, because he doesn't know I have seen them.
I'm not usually a stalker but after accidentally seeing inappropriate messages before I do look at his phone occasionally without his knowledge. We resolved this issue previously but knowing what his ex is like and because the kids now live with us I guess I wanted to see how often they chat. So that's when I saw the messages that I now have an issue with.
So how can I raise this subject without coming across as a stalker (which it looks like I am lol but it's only her text messages that I look at I don't go through his whole phone or Facebook etc) I know it's probably going to end up in an argument but it's doing my head in.
It doesn't matter how you came across the messages, your gut knew something was off or you wouldn't have done it. You need to address this ASAP, if he tries to put it back on you for looking at the messages, you know he has no respect for your feelings. Don't do it in an accusatory way, do it in a.....I'm concerned, upset and heart broken by........how he reacts to this will show what type of man he is. Btw, I would NEVER have convos like that with my ex, it is not normal, it is crossing the line and sounds like he has one foot in with her and one with you.