I don't know how to deal with this new development in my marriage!
We've gone from 12 years of a very active sex life (at least 4-5) times a week, to my husband having zero sex drive almost overnight.
He's not cheating, i know this for certain.
He doesn't watch porn, so addiction here isn't a problem. He's not even masturbating. Literally 0 drive.
He's spoken to his doc, who assured him recent medication change is not to blame. Asked him if his wife was upset, when he said yes, doc told him that maybe his wife needs to leave him alone. That its in his head. Offered viagra, which hubby adamantly refused, because he doesn't believe at only 30 he needs help to sleep with his wife. And thats it.
Now that he's admitted to me he doesn't want it at all, he's not even trying to want to at all. Feels like now "he doesn't have to fake it".
Not that i think he should do it to keep me happy, of course he has a right to say no and i would never want to think he felt coerced or forced into sleeping with me.. i just don't know where to go from here?
How do i cope with not being wanted? Because right now i just feel like shit. I feel unattractive, and lost and it makes me question everything about myself. I worry its because I'm too fat, as I'm on my 5th pregnancy and the biggest I've been, or that maybe he finds me boring now? That i can't even please my husband, that sex with me has become so revolting that he'd prefer to have no sex then sex with me.
And it has changed our interactions with each other. We used to be quite flirtatious, even after all this time, with a lot of tongue in cheek references, and now i find myself not saying things i normally would. I'm too scared to say them, or to touch him in ways we always have, sneaky bum grabs and stuff, just in case thats the type of hassling the doc was talking about. I don't want to hassle him. I don't want to make him feel forced or uncomfortable.
I just dont know how to cope with this. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but for us its always been a big thing and we've never had an issue here before. and in every other way our relationship is fine. I've been crying on and off for a month. I'm trying to hide how hurt I am because I don't want him to feel guilty. I know this isn't his fault and i don't want him feeling guilty or to guilt trip him into sex. This is my cross to bare. I just don't know how to bare it. How do i find a way to be ok with the fact that my husband is no longer wanting me in that way? How do i stop feeling so depressed about it? How do i stop questioning every part of myself and hating myself for this? Its consuming me, destroying my self worth, and i don't know how to deal with this?
10 Replies
Here is the deal he is 30!! He isn't 21 anymore. Everyone, I mean everyone goes through natural dips in there sex drive over time. It happens. Everyone, men and women just need a rest for awhile.
It's not about you. It's not about how you look.
I can promise you at some point in your life you won't want sex either. Your hormones will change, you'll get tired,you'll get something and you won't want sex for awhile either.
It's ok. It's called getting older!
It's time to define the quality of your relationship in a broader sense and the quality of your attractiveness, self worth in ways other than having sex. Does your husband treat you well in other areas of your life? Is he respectful?
I am going through the same thing! I feel unwanted and unloved too.
Maybe he's just a bit stressed. I think a lot of men have a dip in sex drive at some point? I wouldn't take it to heart. Still flirt with him and let him come to you
Um, what's the medication he's taking? Even if the GP says it's not that but that's all that's changed (and "overnight" as you say) then I'd be staring right down that barrel tbh. Sounds like the GP was extremely unsupportive.
I know a change in sex drive was bound to happen at some point. Maybe because its been 12 years, we'd assumed that just didnt seem to apply to us, or that it would be much much later for us. Despite surgeries, dealing with grief, births, sleep deprivation from babies we've never gone long without it. This is no where near our normal.
I always thought once it started to happen, it would be a gradual decrease, not an immediate stop. The sudden stop has left me gutted, because i feel like I've done something wrong for such a drastic change to occurr. How do u go from 100 to 0 like that?
He gets upset by it too, and told me he wants nothing more than to be able to be with me, but it just doesnt work and he doesnt know why. Thats why he went to the docs. He was sure it was his blood pressure medication. But when doc said those meds don't have have a common side effect of issues in this area, it's stopped to conversation in its tracks.
I am totally unprepared for how much this hurts or how to deal with this hurt
Get a new doctor. It sounds like the medication whether this doctor says it is or not.
I once went to the doctor about my pill sending me crazy and he laughed st me and said it isn't the pill it doesn't do that. I stopped it anyway cause fuck him and I was completely fine 3 days later. Doctors don't know everything.
I would do your own research about the new medication the dr has put him on - there doesn't seem to be any other cause if it's changed overnight. Just because it's not a common side effect doesn't mean it couldn't be a rare one that is affecting your husband. All the best Hun x
Maybe this particular medication doesn't have a "common" side effect in that area, but people react to medication differently.
A 2 second google search showed me that actually, it's very common for for blood pressure medications to cause this!
Yes, around age 30 there is a lowering of testosterone levels, but it would not be to this extreme.
I think you need to discuss a few things with hubby
1. Does it bother your hubby? Would he be willing to look into it further?
2. Where you at the doc appointment? Did you hear the Dr say these things? Either way, I think you should suggest to hubby that getting a second opinion wouldn't hurt.
3. If it's not meds, then maybe they should be looking into the issue more. Blood tests to check hormones etc. There are a lot of conditions that can cause this (cancer, depression, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes can reduce blood flow to the body, thyroid disorders and tumors of the pituitary gland) and I'd be wanting to rule out anything sinister. Advocate for more investigation - describe it as a symptom rather then an end issue. May get hubby more on board for getting help.
Would he try a herbal supplement so it doesn't have the 'stigma' of viagra? If you have a heal of food store near you like Go Vita, Healthy Lofe, Mr Vitamins etc get a brand call Fusion and their Libido product it's amazing and all herbal but helps with stress also. Carusos Male Mojo or erect-max are also good options and can be found in chemist also.
lol I could of written this myself. I'm pregnant with our 3rd. Drives me insane & the constant rejection is so painful. My husband is 30 too & I'm 29. He always says he's tired & he's past his sexual peak blah blah blah. I just say they r poor excuses lol doesn't go down too well haha. I tell him I have needs too & doesn't make me feel great being rejected all the time especially whilst being pregnant.
I feel ur pain.