Hey IM's, I've posted lots lately and I'm just wanting some advice. I sent the below message to my ex husband as visits and phone calls are never a set thing With him. He was sending me shit to my phone and I had enough and our DV order was varied for no contact even after that he said thanks for that I can now bring your sisters into court. So I than went and bought another number and have blocked him from my normal phone and leave the other phone behind and check it once a day and having set times I know I need to have that phone for those calls. He gets his work roster for a fortnight so he knows when we is working in advance.
Well since this message he is accusing me of parent alienation. Am I being unreasonable? He never asked to do a visit anywhere else they are currently at McDonald's. He never really phoned more than two times a week anyway and I've actually got proof of this. He only calls more if he knows where on holidays or whatever. I bought him a Father's Day present, I send photos to his mother, his mother hasn't come down ever to see her I've taken her up once in nearly two years since we split to see his mother, he doesn't see any of his other family. I've told her and him if his mother wants to come down I'd be more than happy to work in a visit time. I even would buy presents for her half siblings (he has 6 others but only speaks to 2) and sending messages (there adults) with nothing in return. No message seeing how she is or just saying hi. So I've recently stopped doing that. It was like they didn't really care. I even have photos of him in my house on the walls and never say anything bad about him in front of her. I've always organised prior to recently doing something like a park, or we went to a zoo etc etc but why should I be the one organising the visits? (There supervised) but he never comes up with any ideas at all. I don't feel like I should be the one organising all these places. He never sends a message going I seen this at this time could I do that for my visit. I'd be more than happy if it's a reasonable request. He lost his licence for drink driving I drove 45 minutes to pick him up and would drop him off so he could still see his daughter or get him from a train station. Even invited him camping for a few days last Christmas. I did all this because despite the shit he has done to me and her (reason we are both on the DV order) he is her dad and she does deserve to know him and although it's not safe for her to go alone (she's 3) drugs, alcohol, smokes inside, the violence, his temper etc I feel like I've always put myself out for what's best for her.
Now he can't message me he is sending shit to my mum instead also.
Let me know your thoughts. I'm not wanting to do damage to her and want to do what's best for her. No current parenting orders.
Thank you
Let's call him X and my daughter D
The message
Hi X, just letting you know that you'll no longer be able to message or call my other number going forward. If you could please message and phone this number that would be appreciated.
Phone call this week can be this Saturday 6pm.
Than week one starting next week Tuesday at 6pm, than the Friday at 6pm, than your visit is the Sunday at 3:30/4pm depending what D has on.
Week 2 phone call the Tuesday at 6pm than visit on the Thursday around 3:30/4 (until I return to work which will mean a later visit) than a phone call the Saturday at 6pm.
These weeks may need to be changed when I return to work for the visit due to my work hours but would be the same just on opposite weeks.
I will make sure this number is switched on for those phone call times. So it will continue on that same schedule every fortnight.
If you are unable to make one of these times please ensure you have given a weeks notice to try and work something else out. D needs a routine and we also have things we need to organise. So if you could confirm a week in advance that would be great otherwise that visit maybe cancelled and not rescheduled if a weeks notice isn't given.
I will also give you notice if we are not available for a visit to make a different time as D has things on at times. If D has something that comes up that doesn't allow me to give the weeks notice I will do my best to reschedule a time that suits.
Phone calls will depend on D as if she has fallen asleep early etc than the call wouldn't be able to happen. Just needing a more structured time frame for D. Thank you
7 Replies
Honestly, in the gentlest way, I have been through similar, you are flogging a dead horse. Guys like him will not follow your rules. This is what I think you should so, stop trying, inviting him places, messaging his mother. Live how you want to live, make the plans you want. When or if he rings and wants visitation, if you are free, do it, if not, say sorry we have plans maybe give me more notice? Same with phone calls, if he rings and she can talk, great, if she is asleep, just say sorry, she is asleep. Keep it simple! You may find it will naturally form its own routine over time. Remember, you are not responsible for their relationship, he is!!
Its all good lovely. Hes abusive. He will give you shit and accuse you of rubbish no matter what you do. That's why you need to stop the contact with him.
See a counsellor or seek mediation to confirm within yourself youre doing right. Do not let him shake you.
Another idea is to give him between 5-7 to make the call. Once its made the phone goes off. Once he uses that time to abuse you instead of call his kid phone goes off.
You really need to get no contact with him so you can untangle yourself from the effects his contact has on you.
Having a set timetable will help you get there, even if he totally ignores it and tries to run you around and do things in his time. No more.
. Good luck with it i know its hard to get out of.
Not unreasonable at all! That isn't parental alienation. You've done it all in writing. He is just feeling like he is loosing control (because that's what DV is about, controlling you) so now he is lashing out and trying to use threats to scare you. Don't listen!
Thanks I thought I was being fair and I always have been. The new number is in another phone and I don't carry it with me it sits at home. I've just had enough. And I am not alienating him I've always gone out of my way. She needs a stable routine not a phone call one week and not the next. He's not following it so far but I don't get bombarded with messages to my normal everyday number.
He's making up shit about me to my mum in messages and than threatening my parents. It's actually at a point he is seriously needing some help. I feel like I'm
Being fair and like I have been. I just can't have him ruling our lives. We need to be able to organise things and do things. And if a court ordered time if he can't do that it's too bad there's no make up. Argh I'm so stressed about it all. I want to be fair. But j also don't think it's up to me to organise fun things for visits. He's never asked to go anywhere else. Thanks you all made me feel a little better. Sometimes others opinions that aren't in on the situations perspective are different. Thank you
You should also tell your mum not to respond no matter what he says and not to tell you anything he has said and done. It will help you for now.
Mum doesn't really reply. My Aunty and uncle are guarantor on our house and he's refusing to sign a contract he signed to put it up for sale. He said he's not happy with visits so he won't sign for the sale.
I'm so over it. To get the house sold its going to cost $20-$30k in solicitors fees. I just wish he would let life move forward instead of not letting go.
I want to be fair in it all and I have been. I've put up with so much even after we separated and I've had enough.
And I don't want to do anything that's going to also be looked at by the court as stopping a relationship with the other parents because I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm feeling so drained by it all and also I'm so over stressing about his threats and saying he's going for custody. He sent my mum a message saying I was molested when j was younger and he's worried I introduced my daughter to that person and he will be bringing that up in court ASAP. I was never molested and never Said that. Than threatened my parents about other shit. It's just constant and I wish it would stop.
Thats exactly why you need to stop hearing what hes saying. Youll get there. When you get some time and distance from him. Eventually youll be able to deflect him and he wont even get a second thought from you. You'll get there in time.