This will be long, but I'd appreciate any suggestions you may have.
BACK STORY: My sister was in a relationship with a man for about fourteen or fifteen years before ending it around a year ago. She is on a disability pension as she has spina bifida (can walk, thanks to early intervention), is still recovering from Gillian Barre Syndrome (severe nerve damage), and has a raft of other health issues.
This man, I'll call him B, is not a good person. At all. He has spent their entire 'relationship' lying to her, stealing from her, physically and emotionally abusing her, and a long list of other things. The only reason my sister stayed with B for so long is they also have three sons together. She has put up with everything so that the boys have a father. (Yes, I understand the flawed logic here.)
Anyway, she finally kicked him out last year, and from that time on he was living in his car. A couple of months later, he was accused of something really dreadful. The police needed to be able to contact him reliably, so my sister arranged for him to stay at her home while everything was sorted out. She hardly sleeps at all because of chronic pain and restless legs, and the stress of that situation only made those problems even worse. So B was giving her sleeping tablets.
A couple of weeks before Christmas she moved a couple of hours away from all of us, whereas before she was only twenty minutes from me and ten minutes from our parents. B followed, to be 'close to the kids'.
For the past few weeks she has been having pain, discomfort, strange swelling/bloating. There were suggestions of bowel cancer and a bunch of other things, but she was cleared of all of that. She mentioned off-hand that it was as if she was pregnant, but that it wasn't possible because she hadn't been with anyone. B replied, "Yes you have. Me." He freely admitted that while she was dosed up on sleeping pills he helped himself (something we're almost certain is responsible for their two youngest children).
So it turns out my sister is six months pregnant. Understand that she is very tiny, usually around the 45kg mark, and with every pregnancy she has barely shown until the last few weeks.
I spoke to the police last night and, besides being appalled, the officer told me that the moment my sister made a complaint B would be charged with both rape AND grievous bodily harm. Apparently the changes a woman's body goes through while pregnant, plus the fact that she is far, far too far along in the pregnancy to even contemplate termination, most definitely adds up to grievous bodily harm.
My problem is that I'm 99.9% sure she won't press charges. She hasn't in the past, and with her being so far from her family now with only B to rely on for 'help' with the kids, I just can't see her doing it. There's certainly been no mention of it, and I'm honestly not expecting any.
What I'm asking for here is...well, probably a couple of things. Do you think there is any way at all that I'll be able to convince her to press charges? Can anyone think of anything I can say to get her to do it? And also, if she does, what will she do by herself with four children? I don't know if she'll move back to our area, none of us can move there - our father had a double lung transplant last November and needs to be close to the Prince Charles Hospital, and hubby and I just took over a business here in November as well. I don't know if she has made any friends where she is now, and if so, she can hardly expect them to take over for B, can she?
Her body is such a wreck, and pregnancy only makes it worse. She'll have to come back to Brisbane to give birth, because the Royal Womens Hospital is the only one in the state that will touch her with all her problems. She'll have to have a fourth caesarean, because her body can't do natural birth. It takes weeks to recover from that, as many mums will know, and God knows what long-term effects this pregnancy will have on her, physically, mentally, emotionally.
Ugh. This baby is pretty damned close to a death sentence for her. She's screwed if she doesn't press charges against B - she'll be stuck with him forever. And she's screwed if he gets locked up - I don't see how she'll be able to cope.
Please, any ideas, resources, information, anything. What the hell do I do for her?
11 Replies
*big hug*
OK - is it at all possible you could invite her and her kids to come and stay with you for a week's holiday to catch up with family? I'm no expert on this but it makes sense to me that while B is that close to her she is either too afraid or too influenced by him to make a move. Perhaps distance will help that? If not - could you get to her for a week to try and offer her lots of support and give her an avenue to open up to? It seems you are already reasonably close that you know her situation quite well but I think probably I wouldn't share as much over the phone or email as I would having long chats into the night with a sister or a close friend.
I would also suggest you get onto organisations that specialise in this stuff so you can arm yourself with information on support portions your sister can make use of. I think a good start point would be to talk to Mission Australia - if they don't have the information directly they could probably refer you onto some other organisations who can help.
I'm not too sure there's a magical thing you can say. Were it me I would ask her to consider what she would advise me if it was the other way around - usually there are a dozen excuses about why it's different - cut through all of that to the core issues and don't let her fob you off. She may not agree with you by the end of thje conversation and it may feel fruitless but bear in mind she may not be willing to admit it to you at that point and some reflection might be useful for her. I think it sounds like she's afraid of B and what he might do and she might well be afraid of what if it gets thrown out of court? It must be very hard as her sister to know that B might get away with this but ultimately all you can do is make clear what you think is the right thing and why, and then make your presence well known to him and make sure your sister knows you are there for her no matter what she decides.
I wish you and your sister all the best IM. xxx
Wow, your ideas are great. Unfortunately we just don't have room in our house for another adult and three kids, as much as I'd LOVE to get her down here. I'd also love to go up to her but I'm not sure how I'd make that work. I'll have to think about that one and talk with my husband.
Everything else you've said, though, is spot on. I actually rang 1800 RESPECT last night to talk to someone about what I could do, what resources my sister would have access to and all that kind of stuff, but it was past midnight and after forty minutes on hold I just had to hang up and go to sleep. I'll try again today, though, and see what they have to say, assuming I manage to get through.
Thank you very, very much for your reply, and for taking the time to read my very long post. It means a lot. xox
No problem!
If it's not an option to go stay with each other, could you organise to go a camping holiday together maybe, or a ladies long weekend or something?
I would suggest be their to listen remind her the reasons she kicked this a hole to the curb the first time. I would also not push the fact she will be better off cos let's face it any help is better them nothing but remind her the children will be in a much healthier environment away from him. I would also push this fact very hard that because she has so many medical issues already, and the fact this will be her 4 th section I would greatly encourage her to have her tubes tied at the time of delivery. That way if she doesn't get rid of this horrible excuse of a man at least u know she's not going to get pregnant for a 5th time
Oh God, I didn't even think of her getting her tubes tied, thanks so much for mentioning that! And thank you also for taking the time to read my very long post and for caring enough to leave a reply. I truly appreciate it xox
Big hugs to you!!
You are an amazing sister..
I don't know what to say as the mums before me have fantastic advice.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you can get your sister to press charges. It's the best thing for her.
Yes, the other mums did give wonderful advice and I'm awfully grateful. But I want to thank you, too, for bothering to read what really was a very long post. I wasn't sure if anyone would bother when I saw the length of it! So thank you, and I hope I end up doing the same for you one day when you need it :)
Secure her somewhere to live then you might be able to convince her to press charges. Contact your local womens shelter and other charity organisations who deal with housing and ask them for assistance. NRAS offer affordable housing for low income earners if other housing organisations cant help. She needs somewhere safe to go so then she can leave him, if she is closer to her family then she can have all of your support too.
Best of luck :) x
I would think your sister would be entitled to a LOT of help! Maybe you could get her away from B (at parents house?) for a week 'holiday' and take her to dr's and centrelink to try and get her as much support as possible before getting the horrible man locked away!
The main thing is that she get away from him. She CAN do it. I'm proud as punch of my cousin who left a bad relationship with 5 kids to raise. There is support, there is help - first she has to want it.
Did you need me to post this to Facebook? or have you got the answers you need?