Hello, well ill try to make this brief. My husband and I are currently separated (not the first time) mental health issues on his part are mainly the problem but not all I'm to blame too. He is on medication but its obviously not the right one. Life's stresses trigger mania episodes which firstly start with insomnia like I'm taking days and pretty out of character behaviour bloody awful to be around. The last one ended up in him taking off again from home after me trying to help him and then arguing crashing his car and gone for days. On the other side my sex drive is basically zilch and I guess I've never really addressed it sometimes its great for a week then I'm avoiding sex and not interested, which is unfair for him I know. He seeks porn on the sly and I hate that I wish I was ok with it but I struggle to be. So the latest thing he did like this week to hurt me was I discovered a profile on a website called flirt he'd created for himself its pretty full on. I found it through email I told I found it and he said "Yeah I mean fully did that to hurt you, you always reject me do you know how that feels.. All you care about is my mental health and trying to fix it .. So now he has like a zillion women and I use that term loosly .. I'm gutted so gutted he hasn't even bothered to delete the profile and he said ' I haven't messaged any of them... Thoughts please.. Is this being unfaithful??
5 Replies
Honestly i think you should leave him to it and move on with your life.
Youre separated and this is what hes doing.
Hes either cheating, or bwing really disrespectful and hurtful and aggressive to you out of spite. And if he can do that, yes he can cheat too.
The way he spoke to you with zero care speaks volumes. Hes not mature enough to work it out, just attack you.
You need to stop blaming yourself. I was told something (too late) but it makes sense now. Theres nothing wrong with you or your libido. If someone hur t you and disrespected you that way in the day, do you think it would be normal to want to be intimate with them at night? No. You would have to be a paychopath. What your mind and body is doing is totally normal.
If you both have been planning to reconcile then, Yes this is being unfaithful! It's hugely disrespectful to you and it's probably disrespectful to the women he is hoping to attract!!
It's pretty hard to have a sex drive with someone who has such irratic behaviours. I would actually question wether you have a low sex drive or wether your role as a carer and living with someone who does such low acts (even if they are part of a mental illness) has sucked you dry! Don't fall for that I only cheat because you don't have sex every time I want it, nonsense.
You and he should be totally focused on getting his mental health sorted, and if he can't see that and isn't working as hard as you to do that then the relationship is never going to work and is always going to be toxic.
Personally I'd be staying separated.
I'm such an idiot reading that about myself what's wrong with me .. Our boys( 3 of) must think I'm hopeless. Depressing to read y can I not let go y can I not stop loving him and crying for him bloody hopeless. P.S Thanks for the advice.
No you aren't an idiot, you are just too close to the fire, to see until it's pointed out to you. Plus it's all part of the abuse cycle. Yes he is mentally and emotionally abusng you, making you think this is all your fault. Of course it's not your fault and it's probably not entirely his fault either.
Have you ever gotten yourself some counselling? It took me awhile to break away from a similar situation (although no shared kids which made it easier). But once I broke free the cloud started to lift.
Things that helped me were 1. I can't fix him, I'm not a psychiatrist/psychologist. 2. He has to want to get better. 3. My son is my top priority and him seeing that toxic drama was not good for him.
Yes I have a psychologist she's good but mostly all I have talked about so far is him and me trying to help him . I guess the next visit will be different. Its hard when he's always texting and crying and saying how sorry he is and he wants to see the boys yadda yadda and I cave again.. Thankyou I appreciate you taking the time to comment.