Hello beautiful mums
So I need some advice on shared care of a 2 year old.
I left my husband 4 months ago and we have been sharing care so he has him 5 days a fortnight.
We have been civil and co parenting very well. Except the rules at his house obviously lack. DS comes home sick. He doesn't eat veggies at his dad's and I spend a few days every week getting him back into a routine and back to his normal behaviour. I have tried to talk to my ex about DS behaviour and he just gets mad because he thinks I'm calling him a bad dad. I'm not and I don't think he is. I just feel like my son isn't doing well with this arrangement.
I want to drop back to every second weekend and shared school holidays. I feel like for the long run it would be more stable for our child when he is at school.
I have rung around to mediation and now I'm stuck. I'm so scared he is just going to take my son and I'll have to fight to get him back. I don't want to cut his dad of his life I want them to have a relationship. I just want what's best for our son but all the ex can think about is the time he will lose with him and doesn't want to concider any other options.
Has anyone been through this. What do I do try to keep the ex happy and keep with the 5 days a fortnight or fight for every second weekend and half of school holidays?
Shared care. Help!!!!
Shared care. Help!!!!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour, Kids
9 Replies
I think you may need to think of a lot more variances. One weekend a fortnight is not enough. There are many shared care arrangements in between. Why not to do 2 nights at yours and 2 nights at dads for example. There are so many more options and compromises. Your ex is not making your child sick. Sickness is caused by viruses so any exposure to the world and 2 year olds get sick. It's just the way of two year olds. Going to the park and playing with other kids will get your son sick. There is no way to know if your son has caught the virus in your time or Your exes time as they have varying incubation periods.
Wether your son goes to dads for the weekend or for 5 days, you are still going to spend time readjusting him to your routine, just like your son will have to adjust to routines at nanas house and daycare/kindy.
****Edit****
I'm not saying my ex makes my child sick. I'm simply saying he makes no attempt to take him to the doctors to get anti-biotics the last 3 times Iv gotten him back I have taken him to the doctors within 24 hours and he's been on antibiotics.
Is this just different parenting though
I have 2 kids and I don't take them to the dr unless they are really sick.
So for colds or gastro etc I'll let them ride it out and build up their immune system instead of going to dr and getting antibiotics.
Is this what your ex is doing? If so that would be an issue between you even if you were together so I don't think that's a reason to cut visits when you've said he's a good dad
Agree
My son needed time to readjust at that age after being at his dad's a few nights, most do, it doesn't mean he isn't disciplining him. Unfortunately this is the life of separated parents, I feel your pain, as he gets older, it will get easier.
Your style of parenting is no better than his, you have no more right to the child than he does and you and you are not right and he is wrong. You have said that you are scared that he will take the child and yet that is what you are trying to do to him. It's a terribly tricky situation to manage and it's horrible being away from your kids imagining the worst but you try to come to a solution that suits both parents and the child. Parents that don't feel robbed of their rights usually get along a lot better. I wish you all the best.
My kids went through that as well. It did improve as they got older and began to realise there were rules at mum's house with me, then different rules at dad's house. It improved again as we increased towards 50/50 care when the boys were 4 and 6. Daycare always knew when my youngest had been with dad for a weekend because his behaviour would be totally different to what it would be when he was me. I find it still can take 24 or so hours for the boys to settle back with me, even though they are now 9 and 11.
In regards to your son coming back sick, can you suggest to your ex that if he is sick and hasn't started to improve after 24 hours can he please take him to the doctor just to make sure it's nothing serious. Unfortunately young kids do pick up a lot bugs, and there's not much you can do about it. Maybe try to encourage good hygiene practices in your son, that may decrease the incidences and severity of illness.
http://www.theparentingcentre.com.au/parenting-resources/research-on-sha...
I think instead of going to mediation to look at reducing your son's time, go with intent to discuss your parenting and try and get on the same page. Think about what is most important to you (eg. when to take bub to doctors) and what to let go off (e.g. veggies - 5 nights of not eating veggies every night will not kill your son, I promise. You still have the rest of the fortnight!) and try to reach agreement on these things. My daughter has been doing every second weekend at her dad's since she was one (she is 11 now). It STILL takes her a bit of time to settle in back home and she is often tired and teary when I pick her up on a Sunday evening. I understand your concerns, I just think that (from what you have told us), cutting down from 5 nights will not solve the problem. Good luck x