My step daughter, whom we have had full custody of for close to 10 years, has always treated her younger siblings horribly.
She will deliberately taunt them, to the point where they scream that they hate her and cry. When i confront her about it, she says that they are lying and she wasnt doing anything, or she will blame the younger kids for her reaction.
My oldest screams at her and says that she is lying and that he wants her to move out.
She always makes them cry and causes them to get into trouble
My question is, how do you approach this without her feeling like I am playing favourites with the younger kids (7 4 and 2. The younger siblings are mine and her fathers kids) my stepdaughter turned 16 in February.
I do feel that this behaviour is extremely immature, that it is almost bully like, but when you get up her she will claim that we play favourites.
I feel like banging my head up against a wall, as I find her behaviour completely inappropriate and it is obvious that she is jealous that they are at home with their mum and dad and she is not.
(Step has no contact with her mum)
I reassure her that we all love her and that noone plays favourite, he father reassurea her, but she seems to be getting worse....
Has anyone else dealt with this and how did you deal with it.
I want my kids to be close with their sister, but I feel they will end up hating her.
5 Replies
She is 16 I hate to say it but at this age she probably isn't going to be close to her younger siblings. Most 16 year olds don't want to hang out with young kids.
Does she get any 1:1 time with dad alone? Teenagers don't want little kids in there space. Everything they'd do just seems stupid and annoying.
Pick your battles, when does she get to do grown up stuff? Are her needs being met?
It's not ok for her to bully I get that, I think at this age she needs some space, some adult time without little kids always in her face.
Has she ever seen a counsellor so she has someone to express herself to.
Of course she feels like you play favourites everyday life would be naturally more geared to the little ones even if that isn't anyone's intention.
I know the obvious answer would be some professional help but I feel like maybe killing with kindness might be an option worth giving a go. Not giving her the guilt trip like if she does wrong by one of them and saying stuff like 'I don't know why you would do that to someone that loves you' but more going towards positive reinforcement like really bask in the moment when they're getting along, I really believe that tunes and tones can make massive difference, arguments can really take a turn for the better if we choose our words wisely and tone down the sass. As a 16 year old she's probably fluently sarcastic and maybe if your completely raw with her put your feelings on the table and be the voice for your children she might learn how badly affected people can be from her actions.
Ok I was like this with my brothers and we all have the same mum and dad. My brothers and I have a big age gap just like she does with her siblings and I CONSTANTLY felt left out because we had to do what I would consider "babyish" things as there were two younger kids compared to one teen so my parents usually picked what my brothers would prefer to do. I also couldn't speak to my brothers much whereas they could talk to each other all the time.
Do you take her out and do more grown up things with her? Do you have more grown up d & ms with her?
She may just feel left out being the only teen in the house compared to 3 young kids. I've been in her shoes. It can be very hard.
There are a few things that need addressing here. Your 7 year old saying he wants her to move out. Well she can't. He needs to know that.
I had 2 step sisters aged 9 years younger and 12 years younger that lived with my dad and at that age (16) I remember feeling incredibly jealous because my step sisters were getting all the experiences with my dad I couldn't because I didn't live with him at that age. It was difficult to talk to anyone about it because... I was 16! I felt incredibly childish but it was how I felt. Be careful with the immature label. She's probably just struggling to express her feelings.
The other point is she's 16. As already said little kids are annoying! She needs her own space. I still remember vividly how I hated having to deal with little kid dramas. Ugh.
Also already suggested it might be a good idea for her to have done 1:1 time with her dad. She's probably craving it but can't / doesn't know how, to get it.
Why wasn't this question worded like, I have 4 beautiful children and one is a lot older (I am not her bio mum and she doesn't see her real mum) a teenager, and is constantly tormenting the little ones? Why is it "step child jealous", not "difficult teen"? Why is the younger child thinking they can get rid of her? All the fights I had with my brother and sisters, I never considered they move out? The way the question was asked, shows there is a lot wrong with this family dynamic, clearly she feels like an outsider and this needs to be addressed.