Hi,
I've just found out I'm pregnant. I already have 3 kids. I have used condoms except for one time on day 4, so thought I was being extremely careful.
I have the hugest financial issues at the moment, my husband is battling his own issues due to or current stresses.
I want so terminate as it will most likely break us.
But I can't. I feel like I have health and love so stop being selfish.
I can't come to terms with another baby, has anyone had a termination after being undecided and been able to just move on.
I'm broken
28 Replies
Hardest decision ever. You're the only one who can make the decision. All I can suggest is listen, really listen, to your body when you think about each of the options. The one that feels the most comfortable is probably the right one. Sending hugs to you. xx
You've said it will most likely break your family apart.
Is it worth it?
I know I would terminate if I found I was pregnant, for similar reasons to you.
All the best.
Make an appointment at the clinic. You know, they really don't want to perform them but do it because there is a need. You'll be able to talk out all of the options with someone trained to deal with this. I wouldn't be doing it without input from my partner though.
Omg. I came here to write this exact question and came upon your post.
Believe me, i know EXACTLY how you are feeling.
I too have 3 kids and a husband and this has been a total shock.
I feel very alone and isolated as i dont want to tell any family or friends for fear of judgement.
I thought this decision would be clear cut...but i wasnt counting on maternal feelings and all logic going out the window.
I rang a couple of clinics and asked a few questions and ive also booked an appointment, im not sure yet if i will go through.
If you want to talk it through im happy to listen.
I made a clinic appointment for Monday too. My theory is if I'm only 5 weeks I can do it but if I'm passed say 8-9 weeks I don't think I can. My youngest is 18m its hard cause I know we'd all be ok if we did, and we are in much better situations then others who have been in the same circumstances. We could love another baby, and build a great family still. My husband and I have been thru so much stress in last 2 years with a house we built and investments etc, that we are broken. We are almost out the other side and this has been the only thing getting us by, knowing that there will be some rest and recovery coming. This would mean the exact opposite. But how selfish is that! Are these the same thoughts you are having? Babies and pregnancy have always been such positive experiences for me, u just don't feel that this time.
Yes i felt the same about it wanting to happen as early as possible so i was keen to make a decision as early as i could.
Im a little different as our youngest is nearly 10 and our eldest is 15, so i thought baby days were well and truly over. The thought of starting again terrifies me. Also financially if we had to live on one income it would be bad, like i dont know how it could be done as my husband isnt a large income earner. My husband is being somewhat supportive but i feel the decision is left to me so i feel incredibly lonely.
One thing ive struggled with is wondering if i have the choice? Do i have the right to decide to have a baby, or am i responsible for bringing this life into the world because i created it? I looked at the website children by choice and it was really good in helping to get my thoughts straight.
I know you must feel the same, that its definitely not something we WANT to do and i wonder how i will feel afterwards and can i live with my decision.
My husband has said that we must do whats best for our whole family, and having another baby would not really benefit our 3 other children, it would mean less money for them, less time from me to give to them.
But of course on the flip side i think about a little person that my husband and i have made and i get very maternal and think 'fuck it, we'll just make it work'
Its definitely not an easy choice-i never realised how difficult it was before. Do we go with our hearts or our heads??
Also, i was wondering if you do terminate are you choosing medical or surgical? Sorry for the long reply, its nice to tell someone without judgement.
Oh and yes i do have the same feelings as you about it not being a 'positive' experience. I just feel scared about the whole thing, from having another pregnancy, to labour, to having a toddler again and starting school all over and the fact that when this child leaves school ill be in my 50's!
Hi- I wanted to check if you were ok? If you went ahead. Mine was moved til next Monday. I feel like it's becoming the longest most emotional week of my life. I feel like if your ok, I can be too?
Kelly here, from The Imperfect Mum team.
It's great to see you've connected with someone below - I'm sure you're not the only one who has come up against such a situation.
I can't answer your question - as I've not been where you are.
I have heard of others who have regretted it and think of their little ones a lot - how old they would now be, anniversarys, due dates etc. I don't think it's something you forget easily. I think any baby is a miracle :-) Hard? Yes - but still a miracle.
I've posted your question to facebook early, link below. I hope it helps you to make the right decision
xKelly
https://www.facebook.com/Theimperfectmum/posts/1242875295779098
I had an abortion New Year's Eve just gone. It would have been bubba number 3 for me but I had only had my second boy 5 months earlier. My partner and I both decided it was not fair on our boys or us to bring another child into the world when we didn't have the finances and my mental health was in a bad way after bubba number two. I think at the end of the day you need to feel comfortable talking to your husband about what route you would like to take. It's the hardest decision in the world and although I don't regret my choice I do struggle with the what ifs. Trust your heart and head and make sure hubby is with you every step of the way! Sending you lots of love
I was in your position back just a few months ago. I swore I would never have one no matter what. It took me 9 weeks to finally make a decision. One I did not make lightly. I looked at the 3 little people I had what I already had on my plate and decided 4 children was not for me. 3 days after the surgery I was a mess. I felt as though I had literally left a part of me behind that day. But I'm ok. And I feel ok about the decision I made. Is it hard. Yes. But I know i made the right choice at the time for me and my family.
Although it is a hard decision my.entire family doesn't know the truth but i had one 6 years ago i was single but in a relationship the guy said he would support me if we ever got pregnant he back tracked. I already had two kids and didn't want a third so i made the choice. I thought i would regret it but honestly i don't. I was told Angels don't hold grudges and the babies spirit will just flutter back upto my shoulders until it was time to be born. That was the best way i looked at it. I met my now husband a few months later and i think my babies spirit held a grudge because my now 3 yr old is one mischievous little boy and keeps me on my toes. But i wouldn't have changed my decision for anything if i didn't have it i wouldn't have met my husband. Goodluck with your decision xxxxx
Been there done that. 2.5 years ago.
Well ladies this position you are in really sucks as a mother it is so hard to make the decision to terminate another potential child. I chose termination my reasons were, struggling mental health of myself and hubby, work and financial stress and worry that our other kids would miss out. It was so very hard but I tried to be more logical than emotional, insanely hard to do but it got me there.
I don't have any regrets I feel we made the right choice, shit I love babies and get so clucky and would love to redo the baby stage but it's such a short amount of time and so so much work for many years to come. I definitely remember when I had my termination and how old the baby would be but its not a reality, I feel greatly for where we are now in our lives.
I had a surgical termination, in the beginning I thought no way surgical. I want medical but the more I research the more I realised surgical is easier. Medical, you take the tablets and you actually pass the baby ( this seems really stressful and u have follow up internal exams, if the baby doesn't pass completely you need a surgical anyway) surgical they drug you, you wake up and it's done, I had practically no after surgery bleeding it was over with very fast.
Good luck ladies, love and enjoy ur families no matter what decision you choose.
I really feel for you :( ! I just had a termination 2 weeks ago . I have a 19 week old Bub and a 4 year old girl and found out when she was 14 weeks that I was 8 weeks pregnant . My fiancé and I were in a hard patch with him not being able to find work after being laid off , not having a big enough house , not having a big enough car , plus medical issues of mine and I had a very complicated last pregnancy , we were just making ends meet with the 4 of us and just couldn't add another Bub into the mix . We decided it was best if we terminated because we just could not do it :( it completely shattered the both of us as if our circumstances were better we wouldn't have gone through a termination . It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life , I cried waking up from the surgery and for a few days after , I was a big ball of emotions and completely crushed . It's getting easier to come to terms with now as I believe I did the right thing at the end of the day but I'm still so sad at the same time . I have a very supportive fiancé and my girls kept me going ! I realise now that we did the best we could and this baby was loved even though the circumstances weren't right . I send you massive hugs and support and whatever you decide do not feel pressured either way ! Stay strong mumma , wishing you all the best x
I had a termination 5 years ago and have never regretted it. My husband and I had a one year old at the time and knew it wasnt the right time for us. I am now pregnant with #2. We are in a much better place now and couldnt be more excited for our baby to arrive. Go with your gut. Not everyone regrets abortion.
I regret it everyday. I tell myself if I hadn't had it I wouldn't have the child I have now but I still regret it.
I had a surgical termination 3 years ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant, on contraception and also on a new trial medication for a genetic disease. My husband had been in a workplace accident and had been in and out of hospital for months, and we have 2 girls at home already. I spent weeks agonising over what to do, saw a number of specialists who advised against continuing the pregnancy due to the medication. My husband and I were undecided right up until I walked into the theatre room. I wanted that child and thought I'd spend the rest of my life regretting my decision... but I don't. I look back on it now and I am relieved that we made the choice to terminate, I know it was the right decision for our family. I now work for a termination clinic to help women through this time in their lives.
There are unbias counselling services available to help you make your decision, and please talk about it with your husband. No matter which way you go it's a life altering decision, and I wish you all the best in what ever path you choose xx
I terminated after my 3rd I were in exactly the same boat always had some regret but it was best for our family at the time 4 years later I had my 4th and now 6 years after her I'm 28weeks about to have my 5th.
you do what's best for you, there's always time to add to your family later
I terminated 12 months ago
I had 5 kids already, their dad had left and come back and reconciling, but I didn't trust him to stick around
More though, I didn't feel it would be fair to the 5 I had.
I saw 2 counsellors, 2 doctors, a social worker, my family support worker, and in the end decided it was best
I haven't regretted it all, I cannot picture a baby in my family at all
I kept waiting for the regrets and grief people warn about, but just felt relief
Hi OP im the lady from above who is in the same situation...i was wondering how you were going? and if you were any clearer in a decision?
Ahh hi I just came on and replied to our original posts. They made my termination for this coming Monday. I was shattered and begged for them to get me in but they couldn't. So I'm still waiting. I felt like I was totally at peace with my decision- then next minute I'm a mess. I really can't have another baby - for so many reasons, but the constant morning sickness and major fatigue makes me feel like it's a sign of a real life.!!
How did u go? And how are u feeling??
Mine is scheduled for monday. Logically i know we cant have another..we would need to sell our house, financially we would struggle.
But my husband wants to keep it. Its so very hard. He thinks we should go to the clinic and then make a decision??!! How insane. Once we are there its just going to happen.
Im flip flopping every day.
I wish i was never in this position to begin with..
Im just trying to remain logical. But im worried that after the termination i may regret it. How do we know which decision to make?
Oh I know exactly how u feel. We will be selling our house in the next couple of months, but we have just had a massive 2 years. We built a house that was supposed to cost 450k but cost 1.2m, so we've been working so bloody hard just to live, my husband got adrenal fatigue in the last 3 months and has had vertigo for 6 months from the stress. The only thing that's kept us going for the last 2 years is knowing that it will soon be over and we can get a well deserved break. I just can't grow a healthy baby while under so much stress. There is always the chance we won't sell and we certainly can't maintain our mortgage with me still not working.
My husband has swung around and agrees with me now, but we've also both said that after the consult and counselling on Monday wel make our decision. They give us 20 mins after the ultrasound to make decision. But my husband can't come In the meeting with me - which bugs me. I how your ok, and can be at peace with your decision. I feel like I am ok with it for now, but I also feel like I haven't really acknowledged what I'm doing! Good luck xx
Goodluck to you too. Please check back monday and let me know how you are.
I have no idea what to expect on monday and its really frightening. I was also disappointed my husband cant go through the whole thing with me (although i do understand why they need to do the consult one on one)
We are in a hard place with him wanting to keep it and me knowing we cant possibly afford to suppport six people on one wage ( until i can work again) Of course i dont want to terminate, and every day im counting in my head how far i am and ive stopped alcohol and cut down on coffee (which seems so silly because i still think termination is probably the best decision for my family)
Please keep in touch and good luck xx
Will do, I ate my body weight in soft cheese yesterday and felt so guilty. I have had a couple of wines but barely. I haven't been able to drink as much coffee cause I've been so sick. My husband was the same with wanting to keep it at the start, but realising it would mean the end of my job, (flight attendant) he understood my decision. My best friend was really judgy, but she's also not aware of our debt nor ever been in the position, so very easy to judge. Il let u know as soon as I get home, I'm at 9.30- how the hell I will get to that time without eating or drinking is beyond me- I'm so sick every morning and toast and water is my saviour.
I'm so glad (but also sad for u) that we are going thru the same thing. Wish there was n easier method to message but hard to exchange details on such a touchy subject for people.
Either way we decide to go- we will manage and life will go on. I'm feeling ok with it all, I hope u are ok too x
Hi Hun,
I'm all done, was barely 7 weeks and as suspected must of fallen by some freak accident on day 3.
I went thru with the termination and was totally fine. By the time I got there I was completely satisfied with my decision and what I both needed and wanted to do.
I hope you are ok too x
Hello i am ok, i cried before i went in, i wasnt sure if i could go through with it, i think just beause i was afraid of the unknown, but the clinic was great, it wasnt at all how i feared it would be and in my consult i just found myself saying that it was what i wanted and to go ahead, i didnt cry but felt as ease with my decision. I told my hubby i would talk to him after the consult but i just went ahead and did it as my mind was set.
I had a couple of tears upon waking and im sure i will have a few more but overall i do know it was the best decision for my family.
I couldnt be more pleased with the level of care i got, and that certainly went a long way at easing my anxiety and making it a bearable experience. Im still a bit woozy on my feet and i was nauseous for a couple of hours. Thankyou for your support it was been great to talk to someone
I agree, it's been great to have someone in the same boat- thanks for reaching out. Good luck in the future. I was sleepy all day- and a little creeped out that I woke up with my undies on ? I still had to cook dinner tonight, and clean up. Hence why my capacity is exceeded with my current situation.
Wishing you and your husband all the best with your family xxx