Ok so this may be long.... my little girl has a disability its quite a strain on my new relationship as she is quite a handful constantly screaming and getting into everything in site. Parter and i had a talk last night about needing some respite or to put her in daycare becayse we are both not coping.... In the end i felt hurt and like a burdon on him, told him this and he insisted that he knew i came with a 'funny farm'... 'circus' and that its not easy but he wants to make it work. Im not sure if im venting or if theres a question coming, but i just dont know what else i can do.... i love my child but im starting to resent her a bit.... it may sound selfish... but i give my all to her every day... i have nothing left inside of me.
5 Replies
I have a 21 year old son with a lot of diagnosis. ASD, ID, epilepsy, KLS, the list goes on. I've also been a sole parent since before I gave birth! So I truly get it.
Firstly putting her in day care is not choosing between your partner and your child. Putting her in daycare might actually be good for your daughter. You don't have to have her in daycare everyday, but one or two days a week could be good. They can apply for a 1:1 carer. It will give you a couple of days to regroup.
Secondly are you accessing all the therapy hours you could be? Intensive therapies like ABA are being covered on the NDIS, they can make a massive difference to your daughter. I'm so glad I did it for my son, but I had to pay for every red cent because there was no funding back then.m
Does your daughter have a method of communication? Is she verbal? If not look into something like the Picture Exchange Communication System.
Something else that saved me was getting as much under lock and key as I could. Changing door handles to ones with locks (so she only had access to rooms you want her to access), putting child proof (magnet) locks on kitchen and bathroom cupboards etc. play pens around thinks that were dangerous, Micky haha covers on power points! Most landlords are totally cool with you installing these things and they will make your life much, much easier, safer and saner! Any ornaments etc that you don't want broken, put in boxes for now. You can teach her not to touch that stuff when you are both more rested.
I know I've made some assumptions about what might be going on, but wanted to tell you the things that worked for me.
PS a mickey haha is a special cover for power points that covers the entire power point, while leaving a cord in.
I have 2 kids with Autism. Both boys one who is way more severe than the other. I am in a new relationship, I say new because he is not the father of my children. But he's been in my life for almost 18 months. My son is a handful and it's taken him a while to get used to him, to get used to our whole family dynamic. He didn't meet my kids for the first 5.5 months of knowing each other. He doesn't live with us and he works away. He stays with us when he is in town and one of those days the kids are with their dad. That is our respite time (my respite time) where him and I connect and it's only the two of us unless there is anything else on. He would never expect me to put my children into respite with someone other than there dad and knows occasionally that they won't be going.
I have sometimes felt resentment towards my kids. If it wasn't for them he and I would be married already he was ready to propose within three months of meeting but we hadn't even involved the kids then so knew he had to wait. If I hadn't had my kids I'd be able to fall pregnant and have his babies naturally, my tubes have been cut and burnt so we need to go through IVF. You are not alone with these feelings but please don't let them consume you. Don't let them take over your life, don't let them blind you to what he really is and what he's doing. Seek some counselling, find a way to get some repairs either through an agency or through a family member or her dad if he's in the picture. Please continue to love her but find a balance. I know how you're feeling its hard so fucking hard sometimes you just want to give up. But remember also if you didn't have your daughter there is a possibility you would never have met this man, that your life could have gone in a whole different direction. He is not the be all and end all.
You decide, do YOU need respite. Hes told you what he needs for this relationship to work.
You dont have to agree. If you want someone who fits in instead of demanding respite from her and making you feel bad for having her, stand by that.
You wrote the title him vs your daughter so it sounds like you feel you have to choose and resent her for the trouble. But its not her putting the pressure on you.
I have a son with a disability (married to his dad) and if I ever split with his dad and got a new partner, I can tell you the new partner would be out the door right after I carved him a new arsehole if he ever called my son a "funny farm" or "circus"! It's not your daughters fault she's disabled. If your new partner can't handle it then it's he who has the problem.
Do you really want a relationship where you have to "make it work" ... The right person for your family wouldn't have to make such dramatic changes to things for the relationship to function.
Now if YOU need a break then go for it... My daughter isn't disabled and I put her in daycare because being a single parent is hard and time apart makes me a better parent.
Your partner sounds like he's gas-lighting you... Using your guilt to emotionally manipulate you and make you feel like he's doing you a huge favour by being with you. And this man with be a role model for your daughter, he's already making you resent her and calling her a "circus". do you really want her to look up to someone who thinks of her as a burden? I've broken up with guys for less ... One guy bought my daughter a toy elephant and joked about it being an elephant for the elephant in the room and that was enough for me.