Ok so I guess I'm really just wondering what are other parents arrangements with custody when there is distance between parents. The dad moved away and now expects mum to pay for fuel so he can visit the child. Mediation doesnt seem to be working as we cannot come to an agreement about how often visits should occur.
37 Replies
If he moved away then it's his responsibility to pick up and drop off if he wants to see them! At least meet someplace else between the two places for handover. If he can't even be bothered doing that for his kids then he doesn't deserve for you to be nice in mediation.
He knows I don't drive so meeting halfway isn't an option. But I don't think it is fair that I be asked to travel or pay when I haven't moved away.
Well if he knows you don't drive then he would have known he'd have to do all the pick ups and drop offs when he decided to move away.
I'm all for father's rights but sometimes they just try to make mums lives difficult! If he wants the kids he should drive to get them.
Legally you have the upper hand considering he moved. So if you need to go to court I'd feel confident if I was you.
Thank you that is how I feel about it too. I want him to visit more than he does. Mediation isn't helping because they are trying to encourage me to pay. Super frustrating situation, wish we could work it out like adults!
You need to stick to your guns on this one. He shouldn't have moved if he couldn't afford petrol to see his kids. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Torn between wanting your kids to see their dad but not wanting to let him rip you off.
I think he will come around when he realises you aren't backing down (hopefully, not knowing the guy, some are very stubborn and would rather not see the kids just to hurt their mum)
But like the other commenter is saying. Perhaps if it isn't much money you could do it for the kids and just let him win this one and be a bigger person
Stick to your guns whats not to say his doing this cause he knows you don't drive and once you agree to half way he moves further is he doing this to control you
How far is the drive? How much does he want you to pay and how often?
Personally, if it was like $30 a fortnight or even $50 a fortnight, I'd pay it for the kids sake.
Sometimes you just need to pick your battles.
The problem with that is that if hes a douche there's never enough you can do or costs you can take on to please him. Its a bad habit to get into especially when shes already raising his kids. Shes the last person he should be asking anything from.
Well I'm thinking from the children's point of view, pick your battles. It's in their best interest. I'm not saying bow down to everything he asks but honestly it's not like he's asking her to service his car every week. Pick your battles and do what's best for the kids. Is it worth arguing over $50 a fortnight because you don't like the man? He's still their dad. I guess it comes down to if you love your kids more than you hate your ex. Now if you 100% genuinely can't spare that money then that's a different story. But other than that I think the only people to lose over this argument are the kids and it's a pretty small thing to argue about really.
No the point is you cant pay or do anything for himnto be in the kids life. Thats manipulation. He either will or wont but its not her job or responsibility and it shoudnt be framed as being what's best for the kids.
I appreciate you have your opinion i think we just disagree on this.
Why parents do this. If he wants to see his kids just do what he has to do to make it happen. Why should you pay? I guess hes thinking you do half travel each, but as you dont drive you need him to bring them back. It shouldn't cost you money for him to see his kids. Hes a grown up he should be able to figure it out. Why would mediation not tell him to grow up. Infuriating.
Exactly mediation is saying its a reasonable request so perhaps there's more at play here...
Yes maybe there is
Poster here
Thank you everyone for your input. The distance is 4 hours one way. He thinks it will cost $90 to travel from his place to mine and wants me to pay it for weekend visits and holidays. (He knew that he would be doing the travel when he decided to move)
He earns 30,000-40,000 more than me per year yet expects me to pay and I seriously cannot afford it.
Mediation has all been done over the phone and it's been really hard.
I'm wanting my child to have his dad in his life but we can't agree on how often visits should occur. We have agreed to share school holidays but I think there should be regular consistent visits through school terms as well. Child is only 6 years old!
Hmm yeah I wouldn't pay a red cent. But i certainly wouldn't be doing the regular visits during school term, because enforcing dad does it won't happen! He won't do it and digging your heels in over it won't work. So no, I wouldn't pay, but I would agree to share school holidays and he pays travel. It will be better for your child in the long run and you in the long run.
Poster here.
For the past 18months it's only been visits on school holidays and my child struggles. To not see or hear from your dad in 3 months and then have be taken away from mums home and miss out on hanging with friends, it's hard for a young kid. Ive had to take my child to see a psychologist for anxiety as he suffers so bad.
All I was hoping for was 3 weekend visits per school term but he won't do it, and I'm certainly not paying for it
I understand why you want it. I'm just saying it isn't going to happen
Poster here.
I've got reports from psychologist requesting regular overnight contact before going away on holidays. Was hoping that would help in some way but obviously not.
Unfortunately if I agree to just holidays it is my child who suffers. 6 years old and he gets so worked up about leaving that he wets the bed or makes himself vomit. It's heartbreaking
Not the other poster but could i ask how long ago he lived with his dad and if his dad is willing to agree to shorter visits amd building up ie) 2 nights first holidays, then three then try five.
Its hard when they dont see the effrct of being erratic on the child but we do. I have it myself. But its still better they see him sometimes than never.
Poster here.
My ex left me when I was pregnant with our son. Lived in the same town until he was 2 but then up and left with no discussion. So my son has never lived with him which I think is why it's a lot to expect a young kid to be away from his mum for a week or more.
When he did live in same town he rarely made the effort to see our child but once he left then made out I am refusing contact etc.. I'm always made out to be the bad guy but I am trying to make it work best for my son
Im getting the idea you want him to do right and are open if he did. However you cant make him. You can fight for a year to get it in the agreement butbif dad doesn't want to, he wont show will be halfassed etc etc.
So it looks like these are his excuses why he cant do weekends (because he doesnt want to).
I would say you can either agree to pay to get what you want on paper , but dont expect that to be the end of it.
Or you can agree to letting him see her in the holidays when he wants. If he keeps up phone and video contact it should be ok for her to go. It will be better for her if its when shes planned and expected rather than unexpected and erratic.
Poster here.
Thanks for your feedback. I'm so stuck on what to do, it's such a hard situation but I want what's best for my son. Honestly if I had it my way then there would be no contact at all. But it's not about what I want, it's about what's best for our kid and that is to have both parents around
I can see where youre coming from. I think he needs to build a relationship too and youre totally open and encouraging that. good luck its so hard
Thank you!
Why is it so hard for him to see that lol
One idea, could you go and stay in that town too. A week each school holiday only. He can pay your petrol. He can start off doing a few hours a day and youll be there for nights until your sons happier.
Poster here.
I don't drive so getting there would be a challenge and I wouldn't be able to afford to stay there. I also have a younger child at home that still has daycare and I have study and work.
Ex probably wouldn't agree to that anyway I don't think
Its tough but if you cant afford it then even if it would be optimal it cant happen. So you have to make the best of the options you have.
Is there a reason you don't drive? Surely that's going to become a problem?
Not really the point is it?
Seems like it's making a difficult situation more difficult
Poster here...
No, me not driving has not been a problem in my every day life. And I don't see how that should affect anything. The ex moved away and knew this was the case
My ex took my son and moved 1100kms away. He was court ordered to pay 2/3 of all travelling costs because he moved away without court sanction or my agreement. My DH's ex moved four hours away and she had to share expenses for the same reason. In ordinary circumstances it is the non custodial parents responsibility to pay all expenses for visits, not yours.
When you say he moved away. Did he move to where you or he is originally from?
Otherwise I don't understand how mediation could possibly ask you to contribute to that cost.
My brother is originally from Syd but moved to Melb with his family. They have since split and he pays her extra support money so she can return to Sydney frequently to see her family as they moved there for his business.
Poster here...
Ive always lived in this town. Ex moved to this town a few years before we got together. Our child was born in this same town and we still live here, ex moved away with his girlfriend when our child was 2.
I did seek legal advice about this and was told that because our child is still in the same place that our relationship started, ended etc that he should do travel cos he moved away. Yet mediation say this isn't a 'law' so I can't expect that to happen.
I am in a similar boat with similar kids. No way am I paying for their fathers fuel to see them. Since I have not been with him I have realised that you cannot make the parent be a father and you have to let that go and be at peace with it. Your kid will
Cope n it will be fine. If he moved away then he knew the consequences of that m you shouldn't fit the bill he earns more, it was his choice n now asking you for money- sounds like he is trying to control you n be a dominant asshat. Just keep following the process thru mediation- parenting plan - orders and so on n definitely dont do this. I know someone said pick your battles but you gotta build a wall n protect yourself n your child. If he isn't ready to sleep over - he doesn't you are the primary carer n you know him best. Go with your gut and protect that previous little kid n petulant exes can just start being reasonable.
I live in Qld, my ex moved away to Melbourne, so it wasn't just a couple of hours down the road, he paid costs because he moved! I then moved to WA and we split costs as it got more expensive for flights. Don't let him stand over you!!! He made the choice so he suffers the consequences!