I know I'll probably be judged to the extreme, but i have a problem with my fiancés ex wife.
Her and my fiancé have 2 daughters together (8yrs and 4yrs) we only get to see the kids for 2 nights once a fortnight. But when we do and i notice something wrong with their clothing etc (for example miss 4 was very sick yet was not dressed appropriately for the weather when we picked them up) i get told off for sending the kids back to their mum with extra clothing just in case they need it. Fair enough she may be getting offended thinking i don't believe she cant afford clothing but it is out of concern for the kids that i do this. I do not judge her, i let her know the problem very politely and as i have a daughter of my own (10months) i understand that some things can be overlooked in a rush. She wrote a very nasty message to me. My problem is that she feels that i should feel guilty when i send the kids back and they are dirty from playing with their cousins outdoors yet i don't see a problem with that, she also reguarly says that my partner and i are neglectful because we go out and take the kids places when we have them etc. She does all this yet one comment from me about miss 4 being sick and not appropriately dressed and I'm a neglectful horrible person who made her daughter ill.
I'm not dealing with it very well. And i probably don't make much sense.. for that I'm sorry
20 Replies
I think the first problem here is that you and the ex are having the main contact when it should be your partner and the ex having contact. Especially if she's going to be nasty. For instance if my other half had a go at my ex for not changing my daughter often enough and her getting an UTI that would be innapropriate. Me having a go at my ex for not changing her often enough and causing her to get a UTI is appropriate. My other half and I have been together 15 months and knows where his duties end. Your OH needs to be the one to mention that the kids need to be dressed warmer especially when sick etc. he needs to say I chucked such n such a few extra warm clothes in there so I know she'll be warm. I know it's all about the kids but she could still be bitter that the two of you have worked out like my ex is. Try not rubbing salt in the wound for a while and see how you go. Leave the contact up to your oh and see if she backs off for a while.
Here is what I think you should do. It's your finances job, to look after the children and communicate with his ex. You are there to support him. Stop communicating and doing drop offs pickups. He needs to handle his ex. He needs to communicate with his ex, he needs to be responsible for the state the kids go back to there mums or how they come from mums. Step right back. Start to think of yourself as the cool aunt, who supports your partner, but it's his job to worry about this sh*t
Yep you need to stop judging - because you are! And secondly, for gods sake do not act on thise judgements by sending things to her house 'just in case'.
If she doesnt pit socks on them shes either forgotten or doesnt think its necessary. Nothing good can come from you sending socks and pointing out to mum that you noticed she dropped the ball.
I agree just leave the Important communication to your partner.
You seriously can't win when it comes to exes.
We're in a similar situation. We are at the stage now where we wash and dry the clothes they come to our house in and send them back in exactly the same clothes. Don't send anything extra. Just keep it at your house.
As for pick ups and drop offs let your fiancé do it.
Keep your distance. You've got enough to deal with.
My ex does this too. This is however after years of me sending clothes for the kids to have them not returned until they no longer fit, or dirty and clean clothes all mixed together, I have bought clothes specifically for him to keep at his house, I've suggested they get clothes for his house as bday and Christmas presents. My children have come home in same clothes they went in, unwashed and unbathed. The last straw for me was when they came home with wet and sandy clothes at the bottom of the bag and clean clothes on top. Not separated, just all mixed and musty smelling. As the adults at his house seem unable to exercise common sense when returning clothes I now refuse to send them. He could always buy them clothes himself but doesn't so he washes them.
When my son used to stay at his dad's, I never got all the clothes back. I would get odd pjs and months later clothes I had forgotten he even had lol I used to say, you don't need to wash them, just plssss give them all back. I was just happy if I got them back, drove me insane! It's also funny how they never buy any for their house, as the no custodial parent, they think it is such a big deal to buy their kid something, like their child support covers everything. Child support is like a blanket exclusion clause to them, they don't have to buy anything for their kids ever.
I sent clothes with my kids to their fathers too. I was getting $14 a fortnight in maintenance. He obviously couldn't afford to buy them clothes when they were there so little it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't care if they came back dirty. I was just glad they went to their dads.
I did my best to make it work so everyone was happy. Happy dad, happy kids, happy mum.
I figure, we had kids together we still had to work together to raise them. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean I want to make him suffer because that's very selfish and yet lots of women do.
To the OP I think maybe you came across as a bit judgemental even though you obviously didn't mean to. The problem is you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Chances are she would have been pissed at you if you sent your step daughter back lacking warm clothes! just leave it. I'm sure she will get over it.
Are the kids complaining they are cold? If not, who cares
For heavens sake, even if you do say it "politely", just don't!! If you want to start WW3, keep going as you are, why are you even interacting with her? Geez I am thankful for my sons step mum, in 5 years she has never had any comments to say regarding the parenting of my son, she leaves it to us. It is now just going to be a merry go round, she criticises you, you criticise her, all about petty shit. I am sure you are all good parents, kids aren't being neglected or beaten, seriously, let it go, be the bigger person and stop engaging. When she doesn't get a reaction, I am sure she will stop too.
Also, instead of getting your back up, ask her genuinely why she doesn't like you taking the kids out, work with her. Maybe you are dumping on her a very tired and irritable 4 year old by keeping them out too late at night? Are you dropping the kids off late on a Sunday filthy dirty and she has to bath and feed a 4 year old at 7 at night and get him/her to bed by 7.30 for kinder/daycare in the morning? I am looking at this from a mothers point of view, there is usually a reason we get annoyed!
Hmm this is a tough one. First off to everyone saying for her to stay out of it, easier said than done. My husband and his x don't communicate at all. Everything goes through me and I hate it. But I do it for the children. But sending clothes and bagging her parenting isn't the right way to go about It. Face to face is always better. Messages can always be misconstrued.
I have dealt my husbands ex now for 17 years and if there is one thing I have learnt it is this...... DO NOT BE THE ONE IN CONSTANT CONTACT! Leave the parenting to the parents unless invited in by both of them. Buy clothes and leave them at your house and let her know there is no need to send anything. Ensure the children are returned to her either early enough for her to do her bedtime routine or already fed and bathed. If the child is sick and you don't think she is dress appropriately keep a hoodie in the car or even a dressing gown. Don't send things to her house, it is offensive and presumptuous. What if she started sending clothes to your place for your child because she didn't think your child is dressed appropriately. I made a thousand mistakes when my two (step)sons were younger and, even though much of the time the style of parenting wasn't the same as mine, I realised that it was not my job to comment. I don't want to sound harsh but for now keep your nose out unless invited!
Well said!
Said like a pro, I am sure there are a lot of mums that wish they had you as the step mum!!
Was the 4 year old complaining she was cold? Kids feel the cold differently to us, just because you were cold that day doesn't mean she was.
The kids were complaining that they were cold, miss 4 had croup so was coughing badly.
I don't mean to sound judgemental to her but i felt the need that this one time i point it out, her daughter was sick, she was giving us extreme instructions on keeping her warm etc and then she drops her off in minus 2 degrees and miss 4 is complaining of being cold.
We never take the kids out late before drop off as we have a strict drop off time, yes the kids can be dirty, but if we have time we will wash them and change them into clean clothing. I wash the clothes they come in and send them home in it. We keep all the kids warm as it reguarly snows here so it is important to us to keep them rugged up.
This is the first time i have said anythin to her and it was only due to the fact miss 4 was so sick and so cold. My OH deals with her usually, i go to drop off and pick up as we don't trust her so i go to keep my OH company.
Are we talking about a kid not having their jumper on?
She is a terrible, neglectful, shocking mum and you are obviously an amazing one, always putting the kids first.
I see you are clearly a much better Mum than her and she is lucky to have you to remind her so.
Is that what you came here for?
You do realise you don't get sick from being cold?
It needs to come from dad, not you but he needs to be like oh hey I got the kids some clothes while out and about this weekend. Not hey the kids werent very warm i bought clothes in case you didnt have enough. Because if you say it the second way, not matter how nicely its said it still seems judgy. Otherwise just keep the clothes as your house for when they arrive and tell mum not to stress too much about packing heaps. As long as they aren't getting home really late filthy the being dirty isnt really a big deal but if there coming home late at night and havent been bathed yet, thats a bit of a pain in the butt.
I wouldn't think too much of it. She probably just took it personally and was a bit hurt. I remember wanting to punch my ex's partner in the face when she told me one of my kids was sick on pick up. Us mums get very defensive of our babies! Yes you're a mother but let's face it you're just started. Just back off and I'm sure she will calm down. Perhaps an apology would help just to explain you had good intentions? It might make it worse lol.
My partner tries to send the kids back in exactly the same clothes they came in but that's not always possible. There are no easy answers when it comes to this stuff. Just do your best.