Its just hit me. I have just come to the conclusion that I have Depression.
The situation im in right now is not where I wanted to be, at all. I have two young children and have been a single Mum for ages now. One is in school and the other in preschool. By now I wanted to be working part time or full time, saving money to eventually open my own nail salon (im now fully qualified) from home and work my own hours, around my kids and their schooling.
Instead, im in a new relationship (been together almost 6 months) and im 13 weeks pregnant. Obviously the baby was unplanned, but we were, or are excited all the same. Im just stuck in a rut. I am employed but you could hardly call it a "job". They call me when they need me, which at the moment is once every couple months if im lucky. I have applied for so many other jobs recently and have received nothing back but emails saying I am unsuccessful. Its deflating. My resume is fine, I just dont know what it is. I have put it down to the 5 year gap during which I was a SAHM.
Right now I feel hopeless, like im a failure. Im 27 years old and have no direction. Im not going anywhere in life, im just stalled here now. Pregnant and unhappy. Its too late to hide my pregnancy to possible employers now as I am beginning to show, so I definately wont be hired. My life is a fucking mess. Im 27, pregnant with my third and pretty much jobless.
Im failing at home. The housework is constantly on top of me. I cant keep up with it so I just end up overwhelmed, ignoring it and hoping it goes away. I cant remember the last time I folded anything. The clean clothes pile is on the couch, has been for ages.
I worry everyday about money, and whats going to happen. My ex is wayyy behind with child support, which leaves me way behind too. My partner is yet to move in but when he does, I will obviously change details with Centrelink and while the online estimator shows that I will still be entitled to Parent Payment Partnered due to his wage, I am terrified that due to Centrelink never being consistent, that that will all go to shit and they will cut me off completely. While work is so inconsistent, that would mean me relying solely on my new partner to provide for both me and my two kids - and thats not fair. I pay $400 a week rent (and that's pretty good for this area) and manage to stay afloat pretty well, but im so stressed about what will happen when he moves in.
My feelings towards my partner and my relationship have changed. Dont get me wrong, I love this man more than life itself. He has been the light that my boys and I need in our lives and has stepped up where my boys' Father never did. He is beyond amazing, but I feel my depression is causing a strain. We used to be that disgustingly overaffectionate couple that made everyone nauseous, now I dont like being kissed anymore, only cuddled sometimes, and would prefer to be left alone. I used to wake up with him every morning. While he got ready for work, I would make his breakfast and Coffee as well as his lunch everyday. Now I struggle to get out of bed everyday, let alone wake earlier with him. He has begun asking what is wrong and I am just blaming my pregnancy and being exhausted.
Im always angry, especially at my kids, and its not hormonal. Im not a good Mum. I dont read with them anymore, play with them, watch them ride their bikes or bath them (they do bath every night, but they do it themselves or my partner does it, before anyone asks) and I barely even cuddle them. They are the best kids though. Everyone that meets them falls in love. They're the best behaved, well mannered, beautiful, gentle boys you would ever meet. I just don't like being touched right now. They're forever telling me they love me and I dont feel like I deserve it. Im a useless Mum. A useless Mum thats pregnant with another one. Go me! Aren't I just fucking brilliant.
I feel like im constantly numb and walking around like a lifeless zombie - and I have only just realised today. My life is absolute shit and I have no one to blame but myself.
This is not Post Natal Depression is it? Because 'post' means 'after' and I am currently pregnant. How do I get out of this rut I have again found myself in? I want to be in love again, to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy, this baby, and love my boys the way they deserve to be loved. They deserve better than me, but how do I fix this? Please help :(
2 Replies
Talk to your GP. Show them what you wrote if you can't tell them. They can help and will help.
It's referred to as perinatal depression ("peri" being "concerning" or "around" and "natal" is obviously pregnancy).
My best advice is to seek assistance from your GP. It does sound as if you're depressed and to be honest, for good reason. You have a lot of stress and uncertainty in your life at the moment so it's understandable that it's bringing you down. However there could be other factors at play here, especially given you're pregnant. Things like iron deficiency or thyroid imbalances can contribute to general exhaustion, irritability and listlessness, so I'd have the GP check your bloods and also do the Edinburgh Depression index on you. If you conclude that it is depression there's lots of help available. There is medication safe to take in pregnancy (have your GP refer to Rodney Whyte at Monash or Mothersafe for info) which can help bring your mood up enough to be functional. I would also highly recommend getting a mental health care plan completed and seek out psychological assistance. They can help out with coping mechanisms to get you through this time.
Big hugs Mama. It's hard. But you need to be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and your gorgeous kiddies want a happy and healthy mum, I'm sure. Please take care of yourself and giv us an update if possible? Best of luck xxxx