I don't even know who I am

Hi IMs a rant more than a question, I'm a single mum ex was abusive and trying to get things sorted for a divorce have a 4 and 4 year old, studying and working part time and just lately I am feeling like shit all the time I've started seeing someone who is absolutely amazing but when he is at work or we are apart I get all the depressive and anxious feelings come back I just feel like a bad mum, to the point I know I love my kids but I don't feel happy and like I love them which is insane because I know I do! I feel like a crying mess all the time and it doesn't help the last 4 days I've been really sick - diarrhoea, vomiting, flu, aches stomach pains stuffy head the works and it makes me worse and I can't seem to bounce back to even get the energy to clean the house make dinner and be a good mum I know I have to do it but I think about it all and want to cry I feel like a terrible person and don't know why and I just feel like I need a way out of life ( I could never suicide or anything - but sometimes feel like the world would be better without me but at the same time death scared me) I feel like a lost, lonely little girl who put her big girl pants on too soon and has no idea what to do, I don't know if any of this makes sense or anything or if there is a question here but I don't know what to do where to turn I just know right now I hate myself and how I am thinking with no idea how to fix it.
Thanks