As I come up on the 10th anniversary of the beginning of my relationship with my now husband I'm starting to examine my life as it is now and how much things have changed.
If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that if I knew then what I know now there's no way I would have go myself into this. It may sound harsh and callous but I'm not wishing away my husband or my 3 kids or my life and experiences over the past 10 years, but I do wish things could have been different. If I had my time again I would never get involved with a man with kids and an ex-wife. I love my kids, they are the light of my life. I love my step kids, not the same way as I love my own kids but still fiercely. I love my husband. He is the best father, provider and lover I could wish for. But the realities of living this life are crushing.
I'm a strong woman, I'm a nice person. I thought I could handle being the second wife. But I hate the person it has made me. I hate that I resent her for being able to give her kids the best of everything while I barely scrape together enough money to buy my kids a couple of Christmas presents each. I hate that my husband feels that he needs to lavish attention on his older kids while they are here because he only gets to see them once a month. I hate that they consume all of his time on his only weekend off work. I hate the way I feel when the grandparents treat my kids differently. I hate that my kids miss out because of the choice I made.
I know I'll get crucified for this post but someone needs to be honest about it. While I can't turn back time and need to keep on going on this path. I hope my little story can help some potential step mums take a step back from the starry eyed vision of young relationships and think very hard.
A warning to potential step-mums
A warning to potential step-mums
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
8 Replies
No crucifixation from me. I'm not a step parent. i have deliberately and actively avoided being a step parent because I've seen others go through it too many times.
I think you should turn your beef around from the ex wife to the people and things in your life that you aren't happy with. If you deal head on with these issues, I am sure you could make things better, well I hope so. ❤️
1. Hubby. Address the issue of treating the children differently and the fact you need more family time.
2. Your financial situation. Can you work part time to top up the family income? It is not the exes fault she has more money, does she have a well paying position? Did she marry well? I am sure there are lots of wealthier people in your circle, why do you focus on comparing yourself to her? Is child support too much, can you come to a new arrangement?
3. The shitty grandparents, you can't blame her for that either. Can hubby address this directly with them? It is unacceptable, try to get this sorted, it must be heart breaking.
I honestly think addressing these issues would be more productive than blaming your situation on being the second wife. I wish you and your family good luck.
I totally understand I am a step parent. I feel the same in a lot of ways I love my husband and my stepdaughter and while I wouldn't change it, I wish I knew more before I got involved, and when I've had younger people in similar situations ask me about being a step person I am always honest. Sometimes I feel stuck. We have 50/50 custody, and while I love where we live, it's very hard to find good employment my husband hasn't had steady employment for over two year since being made redundant I would love to be able to pack up and move make a fresh start but it's impossible with 50/50 care. I also live far away from my entire family sometimes I would love to live closer. I hate that every Xmas has to be spend at home because we have my stepdaughter half of the day so we can't travel to spend it with my family. I hate that every holiday we take has to be planned around another family, every event has to be planned in advance. I know they are little things but they are things I didn't give a second thought before I got involved in this situation. I'm blessed that my stepdaughter is a beautiful girl that I have a fantastic relationship with, I'm blessed that as much as her mother pisses me off mainly because we are total opposites that we can work together pretty well compared to many families in our situation, but it is hard.
I am actually glad to read this. I too feel the exact same. I went into this relationship knowing my partner had 2 kids, however his ex had cut all ties. I pushed and pushed for him to regain that relationship with his children. He now speaks to them on a daily basis. Buys them expensive presents and the child support is through the roof (He doesn't have them in his care enough to reduce the amount due to an 800km distance between them) My emotions have been well and truely tested since regaining contact. Whilst I love seeing the smile on his and his children's faces when they are together, it doesn't take long for the jealousy to kick in. Dealing with the ex and her split personality, that's a different story all together. It is hard! It has tested our relationship on so many levels.
His ex had cut all ties? Sounds like he was just as guilty as her for letting her
I just don't understand how bio parents can end up hundreds of kms away from each other, so sad for the kids :(
Why would child support go through the roof now he sees the kids? Wasn't he paying any before?
I'm a step mum too and agree. It's frikkin hard work!
It's been a long struggle and there were times I almost gave up. It was issues with his ex. I have to wonder out of all the blended families out there, how many have struggles because of the ex? Probably most of them ?
Honestly when a friend tells me they're dating someone new who has kids, the first question I ask is 'what's his relationship like with his ex?'
Isn't it sad to think I'm quick to worry about that? Shouldn't I be happy about new love? But no, I know how hard it's going to be.
I know it's not like that in all cases because I'm an ex too. Guess what. I never interfered with my ex and his new partners. If he's happy the kids are happy. I was happy. Everyone is happy!
I seriously don't get some women.
I don't know if they're worried about the step mum trying to take the role of mother or what it is but I knew in my case my kids knew who their mother was and there was no need for me to be insecure about that in any way.
Yea. I'd certainly hesitate and be wary starting a blended family but after all the hard work and stress we've been through we both know it's TRUE love! If you manage to get through. It's real ❤️
Couldn't have said it better myself
While I wouldn't take my children back and I love my partner with all my heart
Its so hard... And it gets harder it seems
We have his children full time plus our children and it's constant comparing me to their mother