Hi IMs
I'm just trying to work out if my friend is high maintenance or if I'm just a cold hearted bitch and how to stop her emotionally draining me.
She has been through a few tough times over the past few years so I've tried to be patient and understanding but I feel she's pushing the boundaries.
She will ring me incessantly when I'm in a conference/meeting (always have phone on for kids) and when I think it's an emergency it's only because someone has bitched about her (mind you she has slagged their name all over town too!). So I put my phone on Do Not Disturb but when I turn it on again there's like ten missed calls in an hour! She also rings when I'm on a family holiday, and after 9 at night, all because someone has made her angry or she read something she didn't like on social media. If I don't answer she just rings and rings and rings.
She does struggle with depression and when she's deep in it she becomes really quite nasty saying that she hates me for losing weight, or being successful or having a supportive family but on the other hand I'm not as important as her because I don't have the accolades or titles she does. I know it's not her talking but I find it does MY head in and I start feeling like shit about it.
She can be very supportive at times and as I said she's had some rough times, anyone got some tips in supporting her without getting caught up in her emotional whirlwind?
Supporting a high maintenance friend
Supporting a high maintenance friend
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Self Care, Behaviour
2 Replies
You said "I know it's not her talking" - actually it is.
I am speaking as someone who has a diagnosis of severe depression/anxiety and am properly medicated and seeing psychiatrist/psychologist. When I was in the depths of my depression I was in a very dark place, I perceived things differently to how I do when I am my normal self. However, there is no excuse for lashing out at those around you - she is fully aware that what she is saying/doing is wrong but is using her depression as a free pass to act poorly.
You need to become less available. Either tell her directly that she can't call after 9 and/or during meetings etc (if you are the type of person who can deal with confrontation or the risk that she will be very angry at you and take it out on you for calling out her bad behaviour) or if you want to take a gentler approach, just put your phone on do not disturb, add the numbers you will accept to your exceptions list and call her back once a day at a time convenient for you, then call every other day, and begin to stretch it out a bit. If she's calling continuously, perhaps answer and say "sorry, I'm busy right at the moment I will call you back later" and don't engage and just hang up.
You need to look out for yourself and protect yourself from her emotionally draining behaviour.
It's ALL her talking. I've been through some terribly tough times and have suffered from depression, I have never behaved like your friend.
It sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship to me.
Definitely you need to set some boundaries with her. Do not answer the phone after 9pm. By answering you are saying please do it again.
Stop ringing her back so fast. If she leaves 20 messages that is her problem. If it's a genuine emergency she would be in an ambulance or at the hospital and you ringing sooner would make no difference.
At the end of the day we have to look at our own behaviour in relationships. What do I get out of this friendship that I make excuses, and allow her behaviour.