Please I need some help gaining some perspective and working out whether I am being ridiculous. My husband works full time in a rather well paying job (185k pa) and I'm a SAHM with my three kids (7,6 & 4) my husband and I are having huge marital issues and we're trying Counselling my doesn't seem to be doing any good. I struggle with depression and have been hospilizised 6 times and in the past 3 years. My husband is rather resentful that I'm not able to work due to my mental illness but I do everything around the house and for the kids. He doesn't lift a finger and has very high expectations. Recently my husband has imposed a fortnightly budget on me of $550 and EVERYTHING is to come out of this inc. all food, clothes, petrol, medical etc. I'm struggling to pay for everything and asked for some more money (didn't go down well and was told to start keeping all my receipts and budget where it all goes) I make all my own food, we don't ever eat take out, I do buy anything prepackaged, I shop at the local markets for fresh food, I don't buy lunches or coffee and never buy anything for myself. I felt pretty hurt by this having to justify where the 'family' money goes.
So I've started cleaning for a few families just so I could have a bit of money for myself. I only get $100 a week but it's nice to have a bit extra. This morning my husband asked why did I buy a groupon for dishwashing tablets out of 'his money' I tried to explain this was a family purchased and I can't afford to buy it out of my budget. He then asked why cant I use my cleaning money. I said that was my money and he asked 'what financial contribution are you going to provide for the family' I don't think I should have to as I do everything for family and feel like I work 24/7 whilst struggling with depression and anxiety.
My question is, and I'm really hoping someone can help me - am I being selfish and ridiculous? What do other families do with budgeting when only one partner works and the other one is at home? He is so controlling in so many ways and I need to know is this another way (my psychologist thinks it is) or am I overreacting (as I have a tendency to do this) please someone help me!!!!!!
17 Replies
I'm going to apologize in advance. I usually try and be as biase as possible when it comes to commenting on this website, but this post actually made me cringe.
Your husband gave you a budget?!
He earns roughly $3000 a week and only 'allows' you to have $275 a week for all the groceries, petrol, medical, anything else you may need.
He's asking for receipts to show where 'his' money is going.
You are husband and wife. You have three children.
There shouldn't be a 'his' money or 'your' money. It should be an 'our' money.
If my husband was to suddenly act like that, I'd start charging him for cleaning, cooking, and taking care of his child.
Financially controlling your partner is a form of domestic abuse. His behaviour is disgusting.
Aside from if you have an addiction that his money is fueling, there is no excuse for him treating you essentially like a child.
You're his wife for crying out loud.
I'm sorry your husband is being an ass! And yes this is another means of him controlling you.
Given the family income there is no reason to be living off $550 a fortnight and he is being totally unreasonable. I would argue you'd be better off single on Centrelink. Sit down, do the sums. Also he fails to take into account how much would be spent on Childcare if you worked out of the home.
Please listen to your psychologist.
Wow. If we earned as much as your hubby we would be living the high life that's for sure! I wonder where all the other money is going?!
I don't think you are being selfish or ridiculous at all...I would be furious if I was you! $550 a fortnight, there are people who just get Centrelink who get more than that..
Definitely not overreacting. I don't even know you and I am so angry at this situation. There are families out there who would kill to earn $185 thousand per year and your hubby expects you to live with less than $300 a week...unbelievable!
I agree with this, center link you would be getting closer to $700 per f/n
I'm actually wondering if perhaps hubby has an addiction to something whether it be drugs, alcohol or gambling and that is why he is so controlling with money?
Thanks everyone for your answers (this is the original poster here) it's a long road I need to take to start shifting his way of thinking. I am actually trying to get him to come around to the prospect of separating but it needs to be on his terms because if I try to leave he won't let me have the kids at all because apparently I'm mentally unstable. It's a long road ahead
Hugs and strength to you
The more you write, the more it sounds very much like he's controlling and at the very least emotionally abusive (the mental instability comments). I would honestly be working on a get-out plan. Call 1800 RESPECT, it's a DV support line, they can assist you to make a plan and let you know which services to contact.
Sweet heart get out now it does NOT have to be on his terms . Talk to your counsellor ask them
If they would be willing to support you in family court to say you are stable enough to care for your children ! I bet they would say you are ! Get out take the kids with you . Seek professional support and stay linked in so when he tries to claim you are mentally unstable you can prove other wise ! My bet would be that once your out of his abusive control your depression will start to improve ! He is making you feel like you couldn't possibly leave that in itself is abuse too !!
For your mh sake and your children's sake start the process now ! You can do it !
He obviously works so wouldn't be able to keep the kids anyway. Where is his money going? If I was you I'd pack up and leave on his income he'd be paying more then that a week in child support anyway hun
It sounds like financial abuse which is a type of domestic violence.
https://www.moneysmart.gov.au/life-events-and-you/families/financial-abuse
Your husband is being an arsehole. He is earning hell of alot more money then most familes. You are ment to be a team. He works and your home doing home duties which is your job. You dont get paid for your job so maybe you need to tell him you want to get paid for your work lol. Just to say if he was a single father he would have to pay daycare for 3 kids which would probably be anywhere to like $60 a day per child. Or if he had to pay maintence for those kids it would be alot more then $500 a fn. I would be wanting to know where the rest of his money is going as you have a right to know. Geez i have 4 kids and my husband only earns like $85k a year. I pay out all the bills with his money as we have a joint account, most of the time he dosnt touch his pay. We spend lime $650 a fn on food alone. If this continues i would be really considering leaving as even if you cant work you will receive alot more from centrelink. I reckon at least $1200 fn.
To be honest I dont really think your husband is being unreasonable. I mean he earns good money and works hard for it. But why should he have to put in extra money because you dont work? My husband earns over 4 times what I do but I still put in the same as him. Sorry just my opinion! Good luck.
Do you work though ? Or have mental health issues that inhibit you? I realize different couples do money differently but if you have an understanding that cares for the house and kids (a full time job in itself albeit unpaid!!) the other works for the family income and supports everyone financially . it is a different arrangement but equally as fair !
By the sounds of it she uses her extra money she earns to supplement what else is needed anyway ! AND she also has to provide receipts for what she spends it on . Unless she's a shopaholic or has had a spending problem in the past (also possible I guess ) then what he's asking is unreasonable
Hi, poster here again. I thought I would give a bit more info so people don't get the wrong idea. I used to work full time and then went back to part time when we started having kids. I have gone back 2-3 days after each of my three kids but when I got very sick (with depression) and spent 7 weeks in hospital I took a leave of absence from work for 3 months and tried to go back but didn't really enjoy it or want to be there, and was NOT supported by my workplace at all. So my husband and I made a joint decision and he encouraged me to actually quit my work. Which I now regret terribly. SO it was decided that my hubby would go to work and I would stay at home and look after our three kids, two of whom were under 3 years of age and the other in kindy. This has sort of worked over the past three years and in many ways I am grateful that I have been able to send this time with my kids whilst their young and be around for them but its also been BLOODY hard work! My hubby goes to work each day and seems to think that its a holiday for me. I've ended up in hospital 3 times since and each time my husband has grown more and more resentful that I'm not working and he has had to pick up the slack when I go into hospital. So yes he is at work and I'm at home with the kids and I do plan to try and work again once all my kids are in school. But I don't feel like I should be punished for being at home. I started the cleaning so I could buy my kids a few things, like a Minecraft t shirt for my eldest which I know he loves and wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise, And a new umbrella with a fireman on it for my youngest. Just stuff, that its nice to spoil your kids with sometimes. So it's not like I'm stashing my cleaning money away and spending it on alcohol or something. I've been told by about 100 people including my psychologist and psychiatrist to leave but the issue is how do you leave with three kids? I can't just walk out the door, I literally have no where to go and don't feel its bad enough to go to a shelter (despite him saying this last hospital stint that I can't commit suicide because I don't work and so wont get life insurance..... that was a doozy....) and he wont leave the house because he wont leave me alone with the kids, he thinks I am unstable. Which I am not and my support team agrees I am ok. But he won't leave and I can't leave without the kids cos I wont get them back. So what do you do?? I'm open to suggestions!!!
Oh Hun it's easy!!! I do not condone to telling people to leave their partners or their children's father but you sound to me like you have already made up your mind but have got a lot of exuses, which is so normal for having three children in tow. This is possible and very real for you to do and once you get that empowerment to do it you will never look back!
Start looking around for rentals. I'm not sure where you live but look for cheaper simple homes. Then arrange inspections. Picture yourself in them happy with your children. Once you get a good feeling, make it yours! Call Centrelink and ask what you are entitled to... Ask for the number for assistance in a rental bond loan. There is support out there for you and you will be able to do this. You want to do this and you need to do this!
Please feel free to message me if you need as I have been in a similar scenario and would neverrrrrr look back. All the best
Oh love I have 3 kids and easily spend the $640 a fortnight i earn and my husband only earns 56k a year. I try reeeally hard to spend less just because we are trying to save for a house deposit but my god it is tough and fairly impossible!
Your husband is being a giant a-hole! This kind of controlling behavior is not ok! Have you brought up his controlling behavior in counseling? He cant possibly be that out of touch of how much things cost. Its like hes purposely setting you up to fail! :(
Where the hell is all his money going? I kinda think you should get out..