About 6 months ago I became friends with a mum at my daughter's school. she recently moved house and is now living two houses away from me.
4 weeks ago she had a huge fight with her boyfriend (who doesnt live with her and because she is in gov housing cant have anyone move in or her rent will go up). She told him that she wanted to go back to him staying 2-3 nights a week (he was staying more often as she had just moved in and he was helping her settle in)and the rest hes at his house. He was very angry and abusive and he drove past her house at one night and threw a rock through her bedroom window which he denied and sent over 40 sms in one day. He even sent a nude pic he took of her in her sleep to her Facebook friends. She said it was over and i went with her and spent 2 hours at the police station filing a report.
Last night as a favour to me she was going to have my daughter over for a sleep over and take mine and her child to vacation care. Just before i get there she tells me hes coming over so they can talk. Im not happy but whatever. Today as i arrived to pick up my daughter from vac care, there he was with her again. Tonight i called to arrange a time to pick up my daughter's sleep over gear and she informed me that they are talking and are friends and he is staying the night.
I am so fucking pissed off right now. Ive dealt with this before with an ex friend who constantly told me she was ending it with a violent ex only to be back with him 5 mins later (this went on for over 2 years).
Dont ask for my help, go to the police, file a report and then tell me you're just talking and are friends!!!
By the way this "couple" have no children together. From now on im not getting involved. Im sick of being asked for help and have her crying about it and then its all rosy again. Yes i have been involved in an abusive relationship before and i left and never looked back.
2 Replies
Totally get it
I get what you're saying, really. I've had similar thoughts about people in the past who are in the same (or nearly the same) boat as me.
I have some mental health issues which I'm receiving treatment for. I had two choices when I realised things weren't "normal" for me. Go get help (go to doctor, take meds, see a psychologist, take care of myself) or continue to struggle along alone and end up in a big mess. I chose to make an effort to manage my illness and look after myself. I have things to live for (my family, friends, job) and the knowledge that mental illness isn't anything to be ashamed of and that if it's properly managed, my illness doesn't have to rule my life. Even if other people appear to be in the same situation, they are different people with different coping mechanisms and different backgrounds. Perhaps they've been burned asking for help before, so they think it's no use trying. Perhaps they don't have so many people around who support them. I can't really judge them for not seeking help, because that's their decision. I can talk about how helpful I've found certain resources or certain people. I can talk to them about how much positive stuff they've got to live for. Or, if I find them to be toxic and draining on my energy, I can leave them be and see them less.
For your friend - remember that her situation might seem the same but it's always different. Just because you left, it doesn't mean she can so easily. Remember that abusers are often expert manipulaters; they will use anything against you to maintain control. He might have cried and apologised, promised never to do it again. And your friend might be more easily manipulated by things like that. She might not have so much support around. Once again, I understand the frustration with people who seemingly refuse to help themselves, but it's not always that simple.
If you are concerned for your child's safety being around them, by all means, don't allow her to go around there. Reduce contact where possible if you're finding her dramas are draining your energy or making you frustrated. Or maybe talk to her about what you went through, maybe suggest you're concerned she's going through something similar and offer support if you feel able.