Feelings, life, unsure of everything

Hey lovely IM's,
I'm going to appogise in advance because this is probably going to be long and all over the shop.
I'm sitting here on the lounge wanting to ball my eyes out. My daughters been sick for the past week and a bit. I haven't been able to work I've had to call in sick. I'm feeling constantly torn between feeling like I should be at work but knowing I should be at home with her. I've had hardly any sleep the past week and that's probably not helping me emotionally.
I separated a year and a half ago due to domestic violence I still dont think I've fully dealt with that even though I'm seeing a psychologist. I haven't talked about all the things he's done, or the fact that he forced a bottle inside me even tho i said no. I havent told anyone but one person that. I struggle talking that's my problem im ok writting things down but I struggle to voice all the things that happened. I've always been a writer not a talker.
I stopped child support I chose to do that recently because to him everything is about money. So i knew it would make my life easier not having to deal with him. Well he now went and took a heaps higher paying job, he's being way too nice that I don't know what it is he wants. Like seriously way too nice! He keeps wanting to drop me milk he does milk collection and can get free milk and stuff I say it's ok but he's keeps pushing and asking even if I say it's ok. He's trying to start conversations with me when he speaks to my daughter. It worries me that he's being nice. I don't know if it's because I stopped child support or not. We still have a house to sort out and I finally got him to list it on the market but he refuses to clean it. I stopped past the other day when j was out that way it was disgusting a weeks worth of dishes all over the bench, smoking in side, just disgusting, floors weren't clean, blood all through the shed from him shooting a cow and hanging it up in there and he refuses to clean it.
I'm feeling so down and lost lately. I feel like I'm so alone. I'm struggling sith working and feel like I should be at home with my daughter. I'm happy to work but I miss our time together. I do every second sat and every second late night plus every day during the week. I feel so so down and lonely. I miss having someone around someone to vent to. Sometimes I think maybe it is my fault. Maybe I should have stayed. Maybe him doing weed wasn't all too bad, maybe I did deserve the things he said and did to me, maybe it was my fault, maybe I was unreasonable only budgeting $30 a week for alcohol, maybe his bikie and druggie mates weren't so bad, maybe him not helping me around the house or bejng there wasn't so bad. I was sick and he stayed he looked after me when I couldn't look after myself paralysed twice for months but that's the only time he ever really helped me, he did work hard to bring money in most of the time, maybe I was too demanding on family time, maybe my expectations of him being there and comforting me when I was upset was too high, maybe I shouldn't have expected him to help me around the house even when I worked too, maybe I should have kept the house spotless when I was home with our daughter, maybe I was so unreliastic in my thoughts actions and expectations that maybe it is my fault. Maybe him doing ice when we separated was just a moment, maybe him drink driving and all the other things since we separated were just mistakes because he was stupid. I literally feel like I just want to break down and cry. I'd do anything for my daughter. She doesn't go unsupervised and he hasn't really pushed for that at all. I have so much debt left other than the house im left with $45000 plus a $11000 hecs debt. I feel like I'm drowning in debt and I can't get back on top. I forgot about my hecs debt so now on my tax return I owe than $2200 I can't afford to pay that. I'm barely scraping through. I've put my personal loan payments on hold. I just feel like I'm drowning and maybe it is my fault. He said the debts my fault maybe it is. Maybe when he lost his job and didn't try to get another one for about a year just did buts and pieces here and there and we used the loan which was meant to be for a house extnesion maybe I should have went back to work even tho I was breastfeeding out 6 month old. Maybe I was selfish not goingr back like he said. I just feel like everything is my fault and I've got myself in this postion. I'm desperate for another child I have been since my daughter I've lost 6 babies one due to his violence and he's never apologised to me for that. Sometimes my family tell me it's my own fault im in this position and I should have listened when they told me I was making a mistake with him. I don't have any friends and I don't go anywhere to meet any new people. My life is consumed with work and housework and trying to squeeze in time with my daughter. I wish I new what to do. Sometimes I wish someone was here for me to hug me and tell me it will be ok. I feel so so alone and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think maybe he wasn't all that bad and maybe j should go back. Not once has he ever told me that Our daughter is doing well yet his best mate came to a visit at McDonald's the other week and turned around at the end and goes you should be proud your doing a wonderful job with her (my daughter) all I could say was im trying. I don't feel like that because her dad constantly tells me all the shot things I do and never acknowledges all the good things I do. Sometimes I think instill love him of care for him something I feel something and I don't know what it is. I hate him for all the things he's done but I still love him or care for him in some way. What's wrong with me why am j feeling like this? I have an auto immune disease and it's been causing a few little dramas nothing serious but I don't know why I'm feeling like this.
Sorry this is long and all over the shop im in tears and I just don't even know what I'm hoping to get. I'm just so lost. Thanks you if you made t to the end ?