Oh dear IMs I really need some advice/guidance. This is long and slightly complicated so I'll try and make as clear as possible.
I am a stepmum to a beautiful 7 year old. I also have 3 bio children with her father.
7 year old and her little sister (5 years old, not my partners, her father is not around) have recently been removed from their mothers care. Mainly drug use so hence not being able to care for them properly.
A bio family member of the 6 year old has interim custody at present (schooling and location meant this was the best choice at the time)
Mum has to go for fairly serious drug testing at some stage soon. It will come back positive so unsure as to whether she will regain custody in the near future.
The family meeting is scheduled for a month from now.
I know I have zero legal say in any of this but.....WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO!!!!.
I myself, don't feel comfortable seperating her and her sister, even taking her from her mother, as a mother, doesn't sit right. Would court even separate them? I am just so terrified for my step daughter that if my partner decides to take her to come with us, she might get so messed up...... Their mother truly does love them, I know she does but this isn't the first time something like this has happened.
The family member isn't very keen on his being a long term thing so a decision has to be made. Like I said, my opinion means nothing legally but its just tearing me up as to what would be best for her........
Obviously I would welcome her to us permanently with open arms if that were to happen and would support my partner with what he decides to do but it just doesn't sit right with me for some reason.
Any experience or advice? Much appreciated
Just an edit as I know some of the posters on Facebook will not actually read this properly and no doubt come to this conclusion.....in no way, do I not want the child to come to us, I am genuinely concerned that it may not be in her best interest. That is all I'm asking for advice or others experience on.
I realize no one can totally answer that, maybe just reassurance that, if that's what happens, it won't have awful consequences for her mental health.
9 Replies
If her mother is using drugs that is not a safe/healthy environment for the child to be in.
Where would the other sister be living? Can you organize to have regular visits for them?
OP here, no it's not a healthy environment, you are right. I think mum is trying to get clean and do the right thing at this stage. Not entirely sure where sister would be yet, maximum of 4 hours drive. I do intend (if this scenario happens) to ensure regular contact between them.
I'm morally torn though! Its really hard, but short of volunteering to take on her sister, I just can't see any way around it......mum and I have a good relationship and I have been there many times for her.
Do you think taking her to a safe, happy family environment outweighs removing her from her sister that she's usually lived with permanently?
I know it's a massive thing to ask of you and your family but have you thought of sitting mum down and asking if you can take on both girls while she gets herself clean and heathy? It sounds like you are very supportive of her and want to see her better herself which is beautiful.
However I definately think your partners daughter should be in his care a healthy stable loving environment outweighs living with her sister in a persons house they aren't as close to. I understand where you're coming from it's heartbreaking to think your tearing siblings apart but as long as they have contact and the sister's safe aswell thats the most important thing for them.
With out a doubt take his daughter in, the right place for her is with her father without a question.
The question for me would be, will we be able to foster her sibling. Which I think is a fantastic solution.
As long as the siblings see each other it will work out. But not taking in your step daughter would be a huge mistake. And be more harmful to her self esteem than being separated from a sibling.
Thank you ladies.
Just as a point of interest, the people they are with at the moment have been in her life since just a wee baby so she does know them well. However, I completely agree that she might be better coming into our family with her other siblings (my bio kids) I'm just unsure that she would want to you know??
Im not sure that the little sisters family would allow us to have care of her but its worth a shot. I'm not exactly sure how much say mum actually has in what happens next. Like if she was all for it but the family wasn't....
Poster here, not sure if anyone will check here, but I should have made it clearer in my original post.....the family of the sister of my stepdaughter may not agree to is taking her as well, that is my point. So if they don't, do we leave step daughter with them or does her father/we take her, and in doing so, seperate her from her sibling....
You take in the daughter. She 100% should be with her Dad. Could you imagine what a child would say to herself of her dad didn't at least offer her a home!
You at least offer, and then let agencies guide you through the process and outcomes.
Oh yes I totally agree, and we absolutely will be. BUT if she adamantly does not want to be seperated from her sister, then what?? Do we make her come with us anyway? Or let her one of her sisters bio family members take them both in?(presuming her sisters bio family doesn't allow her to come with us) that's where its really hard for us to come to a decision. The poor wee thing refuses to talk about it too. Her dad has asked her if she's not allowed to go back to mummy's just yet, would she like to come and live with us for a while, she just shuts down and says she'll think about it. So then he just leaves it obviously and doesn't push it. I think they will be getting their own representative for family court so their voices will be heard.
If child protection services are involved they will do an assessment on all possible placements for the kids and what would be in their best interest . Biological family always come in first choice if they are suitable so if your hubby /dad puts his hand up they'll place your step daughter with you for sure. Courts would do this too . If you volunteered to take the other sibling as well they would do an assessment ANd if it's viable would likely recommend keeping the siblings together as well . More often then not when it comes to long term placements they get separated because families can't accommodate both /all but if you can then put your hand up for sure!