NO high and mighty responses allowed. If you haven't been through it don't comment.
I don't need you to tell me I'm a terrible mother I live with it.
I want to know if any mother has had a child tth is exceptionally difficult difficult in utero then the birth and as a child was flagged through day care and has continued to be the difficult child. I have other children. He is 6.
But I am at a point that I do not like this child, I often feel like I don't want to be his mum any more and on a day to day basis I can barely stand him and I'm sure he knows and it doesn't help (i am seeing a psychiatrist / counsellor have even tried hypnosis)
We work with child first /anglicare as well as early intervention. He also sees a child counsellor.
I don't hang around people that I don't like or tolerate their shitty behaviour but when his your child and their is no escape how do you like them again.
I'm not sure how we got to this point.
I try to take every day as a new day but it is only and hour or two after being awake that I literally want to run away from him. I can't bear him to be near me it physically makes me feel anxious and unwell.
I find it hard to breathe around him. He is just plain frustrating and annoying. He sees a pediatrician and has a rang of issues yet to be diagnosed although we have been seeing a pediatrician since he was 6 months old.
He is always the child in trouble at daycare and kinder and now school.
I know in myself that I can't be helping now that I feel this way but I honestly tried my hardest and somehow ended up here and don't know how to be a good mum to him anymore.
I hate saying good night to him, I hate touching him for a cuddle I hate the sound of his voice. I don't know why I feel maybe I resent his shitty behaviour. He is only human though and a little one at that.
I go through the motions everyday of being his mum but I don't enjoy it like I do with my other children. He is the eldest.
Today we made rum balls a mum and son thing we both enjoy and it was torture for me. He enjoyed it through all his hyperactive non listening my nail biting tounge biting trying to smile through my teeth and offer positive encouragement.
How did I get to this point and how do I get back to the doting mother that use to make excuses for this kid , protected him from others scoldings and could hug him and feel his pain and sorrow for I don't feel he does it on purpose.
Not a day goes by that I don't want to shake him and I have physically hurt him on a few occasions out of frustration ni excuse and have reported to dhs out of guilt and my own children hood abuse which is why we work with family services.
It's not great. I can imagine many mothers will never understand and will think you awful creature but you do not live with my child and I'm sure his not the only one out their.
Please is there someone out there who has been through this and I'm talking long term (nearly 12 months I've felt like I really hate and that's a strong word )
Sometimes I feel I should hand him offer to family services that maybe he would be far better off. I have discussed this with them. It isn't what I want but I can't seem to shake this awful feeling. I enjoy sending him to school and feel anxious knowing he'll be home soon.
Did you ever get past this ? And genuinely enjoy being there mum and being supportive and the person they need you to be. To genuinely hold and love then and say it and mean it and they know you mean it. Did you ever get past that feeling of wanting to shake them and not let go that you actually want to hurt them.
How did you get past this if you did? What did you do? How did you achieve it ?
11 Replies
I have absolutely no advice but i wanted to send big hugs your way. Reaching out for help and advice is what makes you an amazing mummy. Best of luck.
I can't relate but I just want to say I have seen lots of this kind of stuff on TV, you certainly are not alone. You are only human and can only take so much and I pray that things get better for you. If you get any judge mcjudgies on Facebook, remember it is only because they have never been in your shoes and have zero empathy. Sending you love, you are a brave soul putting your most vulnerable self out there for all to see.
I feel for you as it sounds like it's hell for you at the moment. I am a Social Worker with a background in child protection and family services. Aswell as a mum of two children! Are you getting respite when he is not at school? I have a son who is 3 who has very challenging behaviours and one big thing that helps me is having regular breaks, just to get myself together! Also picking my battles when I am with him and committing to one on one with him even if it sends me batty at times, I know it will help our relationship. Its not easy being a parent, let alone with a child who he challenging behaviour, but don't be hard on yourself xx
Yes i can relate.
Ive never been able to connect with my difficult one. He is a teenager now, so i can give some small hindsight.
The saving grace is that they do grow up, everyday your son is slowly growing and slowly maturing, and one day he will surprise you and do something that you have been wanting hin to do for a long time (like behave!) And you will soften to him.
You can and will get through it. I know it seems like this will never pass, but it will.
Force yourself to kiss/ cuddle him at least once a day if you can. Even if its just a kiss on the cheek.
Is it possible to loosen your boundaries/expectations of him? And *try* to focus on one half good thing that he did, although i know that can be hard.
I love my son dearly, but i do completely understand, i really do!
I do look back at some things now and have a little laugh about it, not because its funny but because of how much it drove me insane!!!
Repitition is key. Drill into him everyday the basic things that are expected (my son still wont flush the toilet-and hes a teen. It drives me bonkers) but there are other things that i have slowly been able to get him into the habit of doing.
Goodluck. You are not a bad mum at all!!!
I to feel this way about my son, he is autistic and add. We don't have a bond at all. I have another child who i have a bond with. I'm not sure on any advice at all. I just push through each day. I to have considered sending him to family. Hugs.
Hun if your really truly feeling this way I suggest you speak again with your family services worker and request a respite or something similar . Have a break ! Gather yourself and see how you go . Your feelings and attitude will be being felt by Him and this will make his behaviour worse . And it spirals from there . I've worked in family services and there are options . You don't have to fully relinquish care you can enter a temporary care agreement . Tell them your scared your going to hurt him and you feel stuck and lost . Big hugs . This is not ideal for either of you but it sounds like your at the end of your rope !! Find a way to give yourself more slack (in your rope ;) ) and it will benefit your whole family
I felt this way about a child in our family
The doctors ended up putting me on high strength antianxiety pills just so I could tolerate having him in my house
I don't have much advice other than to say I hope you can ride it out and please know you're not alone even if most won't admit it
Big hugs x
I've been there with #1 and #2 son - as a wise therapist taught me, you need to learn to disassociate the child with the behaviour/attitude/interaction - #1 is now 22 and #2 is almost 14
I wanted to just send some love your way, it took me a long time to bond with my oldest and I thought I was the worst parent in the world. I couldn't beleive I was failing at something we are supposed to be naturally good at. I found that if I tip toed into his room after he was sleeping and really looked at his little sleeping face and realising just how small he was and vulnerable and how he needed me to protect him really helped I still do it and he's 11 now!! Hang in there mumma, he needs you ❤❤❤
Big hugs to you. Even though you say you hate him, your post tells a different story. You hate his behavior, not him, otherwise you would have given up on him. You are trying to seek help.
I've never felt I hate my child. But there have been many times where I think someone would be a better mum.
As others have suggested could you see another paedatrician. Do you feel your current Doctor is researching, trying to get answers?
For example, my son had behavior problems at preschool - hurting others, little concentration, emotional, etc. Childcare advised to get assessed for ASD, SPD, ADHD. All came back negative.
We ended up seeing an ENT for his constant runny nose. A sleep test was done and he was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Our paedatrician was originally reluctant to refer to ENT. His thought was he will grow out of the runny nose, but I just felt something wasn't right. I am glad we pushed and got the right treatment. Our sleep specialist advised there are so many kids that get labeled with behavioral problems/parents are not strict enough when in actual fact they have a sleep disorder.
Please just kept doing everything you can for your little boy to get the help you need.
Hi IM,
I was going to reply on Facebook but realised I didn't want family and friends who didnt know what it used to be like for me, reading my reply.
My eldest is now nearly a teen. I went through years of not liking him much because of his attitude towards me. He would hit, kick, punch & scratch at me from when he was 3 until he was about 9.
All the way through though I could see he has a kind heart and essentially a good soul. I, however for some of that time was stuck in a bad marriage (abusive) and my DS didn't know how to vent his anger and frustration so he took it out on the strongest person in his life - me.
I had a light bulb moment one day and I just started talking with him - having a chat about things going on. 1 on 1 time - just him & me. Some days it would last a minute and others almost an hour. I gave him the opportunity to tell me ANYTHING and he wouldn't be in trouble if he had done something he wasn't supposed to, he could vent his feelings and frustrations and he always knew I was there with him being present and engaged and importantly he felt safe. I would often offer suggestions on ways he could do things and in the end he would suggest his own possible solutions to issues and bounce them off me.
He's a little older now and as said above almost a teen. And my young man is remarkable. He's honest, caring, affectionate, loving but also resilient & tough. The world doesn't knock him sideways when things don't go right - he knows how to cope and most importantly his safe zone is his mum. It wasn't easy in fact it was damn hard for the majority of the time and I relied heavily on my parents for reassurance and to vent to too.
We don't sit and have chats a few times a week now but he comes to me and talks when he needs to or calls when at his dad's and has a mum chat (his dad is actually really supportive of my strategy close to a decade after we split).
The most important things we have through the efforts are: trust, respect, honesty and of course love.
I'm not a counsellor and I'm not a psychologist but all through this (even with other kids too) I just decided that I needed to not give up on him. I had to be the one person that never ever gives up on my son and you know it's damn worth it.
Please Don't give up on your child - seek help from a psychologist for yourself and ways you can manage and ways that you can help your son. Please seek help for him too.
Being my sons safety net saved my relationship with him and has changed him for the better - I only hope you read this and might be able to help you and your son.
All the very best and just remember it's not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it.