Hey IM's,
Sorry if this turns into a long post. I feel like I'm being a mum that I don't want to be. I'm a single mum to a beautiful 3 year old. She's testing like most children. My problem I find is that now I'm working full time I feel like I don't have time for her. We never have time to do fun things I have a auto immune disease so im pretty tired when I get home after a long day. We get home around 5:30 than bath a puzzle than bed but sometimes i don't so the play time. I feel like I'm failing at being a mum and its upsetting me. I was doing negotiated hours but coild only do that for a small amount of time. I did 3 full days and I felt like that was a perfect balance. I miss my time with her and doing things outside and just generally being a mum. Im struggling and miss our time so much. I feel like it's impacting our relationship.
I also get cross at her and yell. I don't want to yell at her I feel so guilty after ? it breaks my heart that I can't seem to stop it before it happens. Sometimes I really do try and I stay calm for awhile but that's not enough. I need to stop yelling. I grew up with my dad yell at us all the time literally screaming at us. I don't scream at her I have on one occasion and felt instantly guilty. Hugged her and apologised to her like i do when I yell at her. yes sometimes there is a need to raise my voice but not all the time.
I feel like such a shit mother. I feel so lost. I don't know how to change. Should I do courses? If so what courses?
I don't want to ruin my relationship with my beautiful little girl anymore than I have. It's me I know that and not her she generally is a good kid. She's stubborn and sometimes sooks non stop for no reason, she does hit me and stuff and I get cross at her for that but that doesn't justify me yelling at her.
I need to fix us. It's just me and her her dad abused me and I left a year and a half ago. She sees him maybe once a week or once every second weekend. She doesn't go unsupervised he visits at a public busy place or my parents.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you fix it? What steps did you take?
I've been looking for jobs with less hours but I'm finding that hard I've veen where I am for 7 years and im good at what I do but I need to do less hours which isn't an option where I am. I think that's my first step but I'm so unsure.
I don't want to be this mummy. I always wanted to be a mummy and said It wouldn't ever be like what it was when I grew up but here I am doing things that j know I hated when I was a kid.
Please be kind im struggling and I don't know where to start ? Im so down because I'm missing out on so much of her life. I even do a late night and every second Saturday on top of 5 full days a week.
Thank you in advance for your help and suggestions. I hope this makes some sense.
3 Replies
I think you're right on. The hours is creating the stress and time pressure and part time would offer the balance you want. I've been there fortunately I was only full time for a contracted time do I could ride it out until the end of a few months, and won't do it again for a few years. I'd keep looking for opportunities.
If you can afford to stop work and go on parenting payment single while you look for something more appropriate do it!
Can you job share? Is there a portion of your work you could do from home later after she's in bed so still cover the workload but spread it over different times? Can you take a demotion with less hours at the same place and offer fill in support for your role now? Is there a promotion with better hours available? It's a difficult balance to find. I know I started off on night shift (not single so dad and I were sharing the workload financially and at home) so I got to see my son in the morning before school 5 days a week and most weekends (we had about 10 Saturdays per year to work as well), after 7 years I got a promotion which put me onto the opposite shift so I had early morning starts but I was home in time to do the school pick up and spend the afternoon/evening at home. Now after another promotion I'm on a proper day shift from about 7-5 so more hours but better hours family wise. At the time it sucked and I was always tired and cranky and felt like I missed out on a lot but in hindsight riding it out was the right way to go in regards to financial independence (OMG not having to deal with CL after reading so many whining posts about them is a godsend) and teaching our son about good work ethics. Another thing you'll find with an autoimmune illness is that it saps energy, I know it's hard when you're working but you need to ensure you're eating well and making time for exercise, maybe make your workout part of playtime? Another thing is check at the hospital for info on the triple p parenting program, take a few days off work and do it. I did it about 15 years ago and it was so helpful (grew up in a shit environment so I needed to learn about strategies for better parenting) and it improved my relationship with my son a lot. Good luck.