For the past view month I wanted to post this "asking for advice" and finally found some time to do so. I am hoping to get some feedback from you ladies (or gents).
I am terrible afraid of dying and/or suffering from a terminal illness. After I did some research to find out why am I so afraid of dying it came to light that this could be a sign that I am deep down afraid that I do not live my life to the fullest. And its true! I have this picture in my head how I would like to life but I do not know how to get there. Its frustrating and scary. The more I think about it the more anxious I get and I end up being afraid of dying. I am very good at given advice to others " Life now, life in the moment" and so onI, myself just don't low how to get there. I am nearly 40 with 4 kids. Before I turned 30 I traveled the world for nearly 10 years on and off. I found my inspiration in music and art. I used to write poems, used to draw, used to photograph or read books that inspire me to be creative and do creative things.I used to sit in cafes and enjoy the little things in life. I always had this picture in my head that I will live a creative lifestyle. Now as my life is half way over I realise that I haven't hold a paintbrush in nearly 10 years, I haven't read a book that truly inspires me I haven't wrote a poem or story in over 10 years. Nothing! And I soooo long to do all those things again but I just don't know how to get there. Its busy with the 4 kids and both of us working full time. We have a good life but deep down I feel like I am living someone else life! I see myself as an creative person, would love to do a job where I could express my creative side....or in my spare time. I just don't know how to find my self. Eben in my home environment. Its nice but not cosy. Its welcoming but its just not me! Same for my cloth - its not me! Now I am not unhappy how my life went, love my children, love my partner. I don't even know why my life changed direction, its like I came of the rails. I know there is more to life... its like I am standing on one side of the river and I can see all those things on the other side and I just don't know how to cross that bridge. How should I deal with this disaster of an emotional rollercoaster??? All what I am right now IS NOT TRULY ME!!!!
3 Replies
Hmmm, maybe you you can sketch or keep an artist journal? Scribble the things you see, doesn't have to be much to be satisfying... And a documentation of your family life.
Your expectations are too high. Expectation is the root of all heart ache. Yes, definitely find something in your life to express yourself creatively. But if your life doesn't revolve around that thing - it's really not a big deal. I'm also extremely creative and artistic and I DO work in a creative field. I'm a cake designer/decorator/artist. Last week I spent about 4 days straight turning chocolate, fondant, flour, butter (etc etc) into a giant realistic turtle with handmade and painted shells, coral etc. A true edible artistry masterpiece. And you know what? I'm still exhausted. It still feels 100% like a job. I'd still rather be somewhere overseas writing poetry into a book and having no cares in the world. But unfortunately, and especially when kids come along, you just have to accept and APPRECIATE your life for exactly how it is. You cannot control when you will die apart from living a healthy life, getting some exercise and doing your best to reduce stress levels. Accept that. Just let it resonate... and swallow it right down. Because that is a fact. Your anxiety is a bunch of 'what ifs'... but not knowing and for the most part not being able to control how/when you will die is a fact. But you CAN practise being mindfully positive and you can make some time for yourself to indulge in a good book, or painting, or whatever it is you need to feed your soul. Look for all the things in your life that are truly worth thanking 'god' for (if you believe in that thing). Beautiful kids, family, a husband, a house... whatever those things are. Don't waste your life dwelling on what you don't have. Allow yourself to feel content, satisfied and happy with the things you do have... anything you add to your life is just a bonus.
What ever your beliefs are your soul is yearning for more because you have more to learn, you need to grow and find the sense of freedom you once had.
I would suggest looking into some spiritual healing.
We are In a 9 year in numerology. The year of completion.
A lot of feelings and thoughts have been bought to the surface, feelings and thoughts you had way back in 2007.
Time to look forward and think about who and what YOU want for the next 9.
It's not just you babes. There's
A lot of souls out there questioning where they are at. I'm one of them.
Sending energy and love.
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