This might be long winded, but i just don't know what to do!
I'm 30, from the UK. My family and i moved here 5 years ago.
My sister (28) has two children with her partner in the UK. They have a mortage on their house, and struggle financialy. They rely on my parents quite a bit financially.
She isn't much of a talker about emotions/problems/issues. I do hear bits from my mum.
Recently, mum informed me my sister had found cocaine in her partners bag. She's understandably livid, the drugs alone are a problem, let alone when they're broke!
She left with the kids a couple of months ago to stay with my parents for 2 nights, because his temper is too much (to my knowledge, he's never hurt them, he doesn't seem like he would, but she wouldn't tell me if he had) and the kids were frightened of him.
Previously mum told me that he has all their money, if she runs out of fuel, she has to ask him for money to re fuel, if he's not around, she has to borrow it from mum.
She's told him to leave on a couple of occasions, and he just wont.
I know she doesn't want to be with him, i know there is much, much more going on than i know about, but she won't tell. I've told her i can help her, but she says i cant when we're so far apart.
She's not the most assertive person. i know, if i were there, i'd have him out and her and the kids happy. But i'm not, i'm here, and i can't help if she wont tell me everything.
I know she feels she has no where to go, and she can't afford the house alone. I'm not sure what she'd be entitled to benifits/child support wise, so i think she's only still there because she feels she can't make it alone.
I, myself, have been in a DV relationship at a young age. I'm thankful for it, as it's made me the headstrong, assertive woman i am today. I'm also aware, that DV doesn't have to be physical. It seems to me he's (knowingly or not) mentaly abusing her, and she's not strong enough to make the break like i did.
I know i could talk sense into her if she'd stop ignoring my call/texts. Whether she'd implement my advice is another story. If i were there, i'd make sure it was implemented.
Those kids deserve a happy home.
I don't know what i'm asking really. Advice? I just feel so helpless.
2 Replies
I get it, but even if you were there the chances of her having left already are pretty slim.
Let's face it she could go to your mothers, she could get benefits, she is probably entitled to government housing etc etc. there are more than likely DV supports over there like there are here.
Its infuriating to watch, I know, I've been on both sides, I've been the one who got out, but also watched my sister stay. She finally got out but it was on her schedule.
Women often write in here multiple times before contemplating leaving.
So if your sister wrote in here I would of course tell her it's time to go. But I know unless she is ready to, with in herself she probably won't know matter how many people tell her to leave.
My advice, get yourself some counselling. Back off on your sister. If she asks for your advice give it, but until she asks, she isn't receptive to the answers and you'll push her closer into the relationship.
You can't enforce anything sadly. And of guess that's why she's blocking you. She doesn't want conflict and to be told she's wrong and made to feel more shame and stupid for her choices.
Try being supportive. Build her confidence. Pamper her, send her a massage voucher, especially if she goes back to him. See her good points and remind her bow awesome she is. See her, as he doesnt, snd youll reach her. She needs self esteem and friends to leave.