Hello My Sisters xx
I'm in a but of a pickle.. Hope you're sitting down cause it's a doozie..
So this guy, let's call him "Charlie", and I have been friends for over ten years now. Both married off and have children. Fast forward to last month.
My divorce will be finalised in August.. He's been divorced for about a year now.. So we matched on tinder. Yes I know, Charlie and I have been friends for years so why match on tinder you ask?!
Well I figured why not, see if he's interested. Turns out he is. Keen as beans.
Fast forward the courting stage to a monh ago. Came over for dinner.. Pizza. I value his life bahaha and one thing lead to another and boom crash bang.. Then came the questions of are you on the pill? Which I'm not, I'm one of those rare alien life forms that's body rejects the pill.. And the morning after pill. Which he also asked me to get. Didn't. I used it with my two eldest children and tadaahhh they're here. So my body rejects that pill too.
Anywho.. Periods four days late which is odd cause I'm literally like clockwork.. Truth be known I'm pregnant. Surprise!!
Now here's the part that's got me a little blah...
I've obviously told him that I am. He wants me to get rid of it. He wants nothing to do with it whatsoever if I decide to keep it. And to really make the deal sweeter *senaing sarcasm yet?* he said if I wanted us to happen, I'd get rid of it now.
I already have three kids. He has one. He doesn't want more. I didn't think I'd want more or that id ever be in this predicament.. I did require about an abortion *go on judge away*, but it's $400+ and I don't have that kind of money and from memory, it was excruciating afterwards..
But now I'm left between a rock and a hard place.
I actually like this guy. A lot. But after the exchange of texts cause he's "too busy to see me" I can't help but feel like absolute shit. I don't know if he's just saying what I want to hear so once the deeds done he can just wipe his hands of me..? Or whether he is telling the truth and IS keen on me the way he says he is..? Or what to thinks right now..
In one hand I'm like I have so many friends that have tried so hard and failed to have children so I'd few guiltier than what I already do if I aborted. And in the other I'm like I can do this. I can do four kids. I'm doing three now, what's one more?! And have absolutely zero support from him and lose him forever. Or in a third option, do as he's asking and fingers crossed he's not bullshitting me..? Now having kids I honestly don't think I want to go through with an abortion but if I do go through with the pregnancy I could lose more in a sense? He's saying it's cruel to bring a child into the world being unwanted cause we both don't particularly want another one but in the next breath I can't abort it either.. Opinions. Experiences. Help!?? I'm absolutely lost. I'm almost 5wks and really am gonna be cutting it fine if I decide to abort being regional.. Just so lost as to what to do ?
24 Replies
Never abort to keep a guy. NEVER. He sounds like the relationship is already over. Would you really want to be with a guy who used that ultimatum! Nope, what a piece of work. If he really didn't want babies he would have been careful and used a condom!!!!! Guys who think they have no responsibility in where there sperm goes, make my blood boil!
I believe that an abortion is a fantastic option if you don't think you'd cope, or you don't want another child etc etc. but having an abortion because he said so or else is going to mess with your head!
Loose the guy, he is not worth it. And please after this baby is born talk to your doctor about other contraception options for you. There are plenty out there and it's time to protect yourself from douchebags who don't wear rubbers.
Thanks! Am actually booked in with my gyn/ob at the end of this month anyway. Follow up Pap smears etc. and contraception was our next bet. We tried the strongest pill but kept breaking through so was asked to go off it for three months and we'll start fresh again.
I don't want to abort but I don't want to keep it either. I don't think. I don't want to abort because he's telling me to. I don't want to keep it because he wants nothing to do with it.
I'm going to be judged regardless but I honestly didn't think he was this big of a douche ?
Take him and his feelings out of the equation.
Then decide. You are the only one who knows if you can go through with this either way.
Stay away from him and cut contact so you start listening to yourself and not considering him in your decision making.
I agree with the above. Do not ever abort for a man, ever. No man is more important than a child. Relationships may come and go, but your children are forever. I dont judge those who have had terminations, but I personally could not have one. That child is still half of you. You're raising three on your own now, whats one more!? You can do it.
My situation was very similar to yours, I knew of him through mutual friends, but I had only met him that night and fell pregnant. Pretty much as soon as I found out, I had a miscarriage. He told me he would be by my side and support me in whatever I chose to do though. We are now in a relationship and I am the happiest I have ever been.
Fuck that guy! Sounds like a real wanker, and like he's already checked out anyway. What if you terminate and never heard from him again? Could you forgive yourself?
You need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR kids. In my opinion, whether you abort or not, let go of that man! He's not right for you and you deserve better. Wait for someone who loves and appreciates you enough to stand by you no matter what. Sounds to me like he's trying to blackmail you to abort - get rid of the child and you get to keep him? He definitely doesn't sound like a keeper to me!
You need to think long and hard about what you want. This may be one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make, whether you keep the baby or not. I was recently in a similar situation. I had an abortion 3 weeks ago. Yes I know I may get judged for writing this. I'm a recently single (6 months gone) mum of 2. A good male friend and I became slightly more than just good friends and despite taking precautions I fell pregnant. I freaked out, I was still settling into life as a single mum, the male friend and I are not even an item and I knew he wasn't ready for a child, and I myself was definitely not ready to bring another child into the world, but there was a small part of me that felt so guilty about even the thought of ending a life. Telling him was hard but he was amazing.. He told me he wasn't ready for a baby, which I already knew, but I'd have his support no matter what I decided and the decision was mine. I wrote a long list of pros and cons, considered how every aspect of my life would be affected by each possible outcome, cried for a good solid week, and made my decision. In my situation it was clear that an abortion would be the best choice for every party involved- Myself, male friend, and my kids. I'm happy with my decision. I feel like I made the right one. I was never 100% against abortions but I've always said that it was something I would never do. But then I found myself in this situation. Although I'm not traumatised by the experience, it is something I never want to go through again, and a decision I never want to have to make again.
The choice is yours and yours alone. Don't let 'Charlie' influence your decision. Consider all possible outcomes. Ask yourself the hard questions. Make the decision that is right for YOU, not 'Charlie'. Also, have a chat to your GP about what other forms of contraception may be more effective for you. Because you may just find you keep ending up in this same situation. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you get through this all okay :)
I just wanted to offer my support in your decision. If I found out I was pregnant today I would do the same. So although I take all the precautions things do go wrong, contraceptives do fail.
There is no way emotionally, physically, financially I could cope with another child.
X
Agree wholeheartedly with these posters - NEVER EVER abort for a man. NEVER EVER choose a man over a child. IMO let him go NOW. Consider only yourself and your existing children in your decision. And whichever way you choose, do not communicate with 'Charlie' about it. Block him from all communication. I've lived this in a prior life. In the end the choice is yours and yours alone. Ultimately only you have to deal with the result either way. My thoughts are with you. If I could hug you I would. x
Choose this s a single mum, can you have another baby? Id suggest finding the 400 over keeping it because you cant afford 400. Im pretty sure charlie wouls pay in a heartbeat. Its not excruciating.
Its your decision but decide this for YOURSELF . Either way you dont have a baby relying on a relationship, and i cant see how this with charlie will ever go anywhere after this anyway. Would you really want to date him after this, in either scenario?
Lets ditch the twat and focus on you, your three children, your decision and your future with them.
I'd have used a Condom! At least you haven't caught HIV.
He sounds like a scumbag. But if you can't afford an abortion can you afford a child?
I'd have used a Condom! At least you haven't caught HIV.
He sounds like a scumbag. But if you can't afford an abortion can you afford a child?
You need new 'friends'.
This guy is a twat. Telling you to abort if you want a relationship with him???
Regardless if you abort or keep this baby there will be no relationship...and definately not a respectful relationship!!
Decent men would sit down and discuss options...not tell YOU what to do.
As for the unborn baby, only you can decide this. You say you are coping now, whats one more baby?? Im guessing your children are not school age. Once they start school they start to get very expensive: school books, school uniforms, friends parties, sports etc.
You will make the right
decision for yourself and your children.
I would choose the arbortion. Not to keep him though but I do think both people get to have a say in keeping the child or not. Imagine if you keep it how hurt the child will one day feel knowing it's not wanted by the other parent. If money is the issue get him to pay the abortion. I have a 5yo daughter due to rape and she is always asking why she doesn't have a dad like everyone else and I hate the fact she doesn't. If I had found out earlier I would have terminated (even if it was due to a one night stand not rape or a broken relationship)
If you cannot afford $400 then you sure cannot afford another child... besides, a termination at a public hospital should not cost anything.
I was in this position last year, please listen when I say this - Find the courage to do what's right for you! The man I was with said exactly the same thing to me 'if you do this now, we can be together' ... Well I did it for him and I have regretted it every day since and I'm quite sure I'll regret it every single day for the rest of my life. A child is worth so much more than empty promises and a man desperate to get his way. I have fallen pregnant again to the same man (we are no longer together) and this time I had the courage to tell him I will do what is right for me - which is have this baby. I'm so excited despite knowing I'll be doing this on my own (I have an 11yr old son too) and I know I should have made a different decision the first time around. But.. We live and we learn ... Good luck Xx
It's a horrible situation you are in and I have been in a similar situation myself with the father of my two children. He said get rid of it or I will leave. I thought I was doing the right thing keeping him around so my children had a father and had the abortion. I have regreted it ever since. And surprise suprise he is no longer around for me or his two children. Men like that are selfish and are only thinking about themselves. Get rid of him now and make the decion on your own and be willing to do it in your own if you choose to keep the baby.
Also I can not take the pill and there are other options out there please find one being a single mum is hard enough without accidents happening. The doctors did tests and I was able to go on the depo needle.
Good luck with everything be strong and do what's right for you and your children and only you.
I think you should never terminate a child over a man. If "charlie" was really a man he wouldn't ask you to do it.
And unfortunately I'm anti abortion unless for a really good reason (rape) as they didn't ask to be in that position, so me personally, I say have the kid and then in future use condoms. And make "charlie" pay child support ect... if he couldn't wrap it, its half of his responsibility too.. no matter what, with or witgout contraception you can get pregnant, nothing is 100% so if he didn't want to have another kid, don't have sex. Its quite simple. He needs to put his big boy pants on and suck it up. Stick it in, deal with the consequences!
Shit your coping some serious backlash from these other perfect people that have never slipped up and been without a franger.. I fell pregnant while on the pill, so nothing is total full proof anyways! I appreciate your directness and straightforwardness to the whole situation!!
In all honesty, having a forth bub won't seem like much change has happened to the family and just pop in another one into the mix but sounds like it's not meant to be, go see your GP try and get into see a councilor ASAP or parent planning center and really find out what your options are.. If your saying $400 is too much then I don't think another baby would be cheaper in the long run.. Or are you using this as an excuse to keep bubs?! Go see your GP and try to get some professional advice
Good luck love xx
I slipped up and went without a condom when I was 17. I'm now 22 with a gorgeous little 4 year old boy. Yes, it was hard, very hard. But when I fell pregnant I got my shit together, stopped being a brat teenager and grew up. I knew this little boy didn't have a choice, I knew it was me spreading my legs that got me into that position. And yes, I done that on my own for 3 years. I worked my arse off and got as much time with my baby, I brought a house, I made sure all of his needs were met. So if I could do that for my precious little baby when I was 17 (had him one week after my 18th birthday) I'm sure this mumma is capable of getting her shit together with or without the babies father. He may or may not be a lost cause but jesus christ! Is it this babies fault that precautions were not taken? NO its not. No contraception is not 100% and I agree with you on that.. but if you can't deal with the consequences don't spread your legs or in a males case, stick your penis in.
What did you think was going to happen when you had unprotected sex, while not on the pill?!?
If you can't afford an abortion, how can you afford to bring a baby into the world?
You already have 3 children, maybe now is a good time in your life to grow up and be an adult and parent to the children you already have.
I think you should of swiped past him on tinder...(is that what you say? Im not up to date with tinder lingo lol!)
Anyway, he sounds like a douche bag. Hes not going to stick around regardless of the abortion.
Was he willing to take on your three children you already have? I just cant believe hes giving you an ultimatum like that. Hes not a decent person at all!
Seriously I think you should just cut contact with him.
Make a decison based on whats best for you and your kids and leave him OUT of the equation.
You have already thought about what it will be like with 4 children and you have said you can handle it so like others have said DON'T ABORT if its just because hes given you that terrible "its me or the baby" ultimatum.
Best of luck love xox
If you really don't want to keep the baby, I think you should halve the cost of the abortion with Charlie.
Then tell Charlie to f off because he sounds like a massive wanker!
Use a condom next time you have sex with a man and don't want babies.
Ok so if you are thinking about abortion because it is what YOU want, there are cheaper ways such as taking a lot of vitamin C and eating fresh parsley, which can trigger a miscarriage, but be sure you are making the decision for you and not him.
I can't take the pill so i have a copper iucd inserted and changed every three years. You need to speak to your dr so this doesn't happening.
Charlie should pay half for abortion and you both move on separately with your lives. Locking him in for child support for 18 years when he said he doesn't want a child isnt fair. Relying on government payments to support it isn't right either.
Abort and get better contraception or have your tubes tied.