So after getting such wonderful messages of support and love from you wonderful IMs I thought I should send an update! After speaking with a counsellor and getting legal advice regarding the kids. I left! Yesterday! I sent him a message to say that I had left. All I took was some clothes for the kids and I and essentials. All of which fit in the boot so it wasn't much but enough.
Not even 2 hours after sending him the message that id left he turned up where i was staying an absolute crying mess. Saying the I'm sorry, I didn't think we were here or would get to this place, I am his everything, he doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't want to do this to the kids, he loves me more than anything in the world and will never love anyone else but me, we have two much together that will be lost if I leave, that he knows we can work this out. That we can both work on things so we can both be happy. Saying that we got us here, that it's might be mostly his fault but that there are things we can both improve on to fix the relationship.
I'm so confused! Can someone like this change? I feel our relationship is lost, I'm so hurt by his words and behaviour. But I'm also shocked at how he's affected by this. Crying constantly, can't hold himself together, constantly sending me messages of hope and love that we will work it out. I was expecting violence and instead I'm getting him telling me how much of a gutted wreck he is! How can I leave him in this state? What if he commits suicide or something? I can't expect him to be a responsible parent like he is either! I still want to leave but this situation is breaking my heart. I don't want to tear this person apart but it seems like it's him or me. I'm struggle to deal with his reaction without being guilted again!
13 Replies
That is the actions of a man who thinks he has lost control of his belongings! It's typical behaviour, it won't change anything, if you go back he will revert to form after a short period of time.
Textbook. Stay strong. He did know, he was happy for you to be miserable as long as you dont leave him. And he still is. If he really didnt have any clue you were at this point, well thats a red flag in itself! Does he not listdn to you and know what was happening was wrong? Stay on your path. Let him change and do the work and show you - over time, if you feel like it, but i wOuldnt pin too much on that course, he wont stick it out and youll waste time and energy being sad and emotional and stuck in this cycle and relationship.
And hell be just fine! Do not be guilted. Time to get hardass. Tell him not to cry to you. And guilt you thats so unfair. To keep it together around the kids. That he needs to learn to act right, and if he doesnt hes not to be around and cant have the kids. Hes an adult he needs to act like it. Youll soon find he cant. He doesnt know how, its all an act and a crazy mess. Youre better off without it.
Oh and also, despite all this, expect him to actually pick up and move on quicker and better than you. So dont feel too mich guilt or Put him first above yourself. He is putting himself first right now by doing this to you.
Look for calm and consistent, rather than erratic grand emotional gestures.
This is exactly what my sisters ex did. She had been telling him for YEARs. They both were clearly miserable in the relationship and she had tried harder than you could possibly believe.
When she finally left he had a massive tantrum, couldn't believe she left. Couldn't believe it was that bad. He moved in a new partner a few weeks later!!!! While sending her messages about getting back together.
Truth is she had given him 1000s of chances to get his act together while they lived together. She had expressed her feelings just as many times. He didn't want to change it, he just couldn't bear for her to be happy. He didn't want to make the family happy, he wanted things to stay miserable.
Yes the misery act only lasts as long as youre there to see it. He'll go home and be normal to everyone else. Do not buy it!!
Stay strong. You are no longer responsible for this 'man'.
You change your number so he can't contact you for a while.
Do NOT fall for this act.
I'm sorry, but people don't change. I don't care what anyone says.
It's time to look after YOU and your babies.
Don't tell him where you're staying either! Fresh start is a fresh start!
He's having a tantrum because you are no longer under his control.
I watched this behaviour time and again...my father emotionally and physically abused my mother.
Every time he hurt her, he promised her the world so she stayed. Within the week he was his normal asshole self. This cycle continued for 16 years!!
Do you want to live like this??
Do you think your kids deserve to live like this??
You packed your stuff, keep going. You can do this!!
You deserve to be happy.
I see you posted this 5 days ago. Its only just been put on FB. I hope you haven't made any hasty decisions. I went back and read your original post and I was horrified. This guy sounds nasty. There are some things that can be worked through but not a horrible personality. He was keeping you downtrodden and putting you down, no amount of counselling can fix that, in my humble opinion. My best friend wasted 10 years with an abusive man because that was his reaction. I got scared everytime she brought up how confused she was because I was terrified she would go back to him. He treated her just like this, threatening suicide; claiming she was breaking up the family; swearing he would change. Stick to your guns. You will be confused, that's normal. You will grieve what you had, the good times but they don't always outweigh the bad times. Good luck.
Please don't go back, what ever you do DONT GO BACK!! People like that don't change they just know how to manipulate a situation. You'll go back and the bullshit starts again. Trust me, I know. I've been in your shoes and they don't change. Stay strong and away from him. If he commits suicide that's not your fault, he should have considered his actions before he made you want to leave him. He will try and guilt you, tell you all the right things but they don't change. I'm begging you, please don't go back! You deserve better.
Please don't fall for it love. You were so strong by leaving. Now you have to be stronger and stand by your decison and don't let him manipulate you into taking him back!
My ex did this to me when I left him. He started buying me expensive gifts and telling me how he spent his whole pay on 1 piece of jewellery and thats how much i meant to him blah blah blah (i didnt accept it)...but when we were together I wasn't even allowed money to buy myself makeup or clothes or anything I needed because it was HIS money and any money I had had to go to bills and food and rent...
He would bring me flowers and chocolates. Send me message about how I was beautiful and he loved me and how he would change etc, etc.... he'd cry about how his life wasn't worth living and how much he missed me and how sad he was now without me...
One day, after trying to get me back for months, he rang me and his tone was that nasty voice I was so used to and he said to me "your not going to take me back are you?"
And I said no I'm not!
So he goes "ok then" and then went on to tell me about all the times he cheated on me (these times i didnt know about) even the night after I'd given birth to our child he was home sleeping with some woman!
He told me he was going to make my life a living hell and just like that he was back to his abusive self.
I never budged on my decision though.
I ignored his calls, went to the police when I needed to. Seeked legal advice.
Fast forward 5 years and hes over it now. Hes accepted it and moved on. So glad i stayed strong. I have a wonderful loving and caring fiancé now. Hes amazing! Hes everything a good man is suppose to be!
Please do not take my answer as gospel. You have yo decide what is right for you.
But, yes! People can change. I have seen it first hand. My boyfriend was controlling, manipulative, condescending, lazy, demanding, the list goes on. He was not nice. For two years I put up with it. For two years I threatened to leave. And then I did. And he got help, he went to counselling, he started anti depressant medication and ge rebuilt himself. Not for me, but because he knew he didn't want to be without me.
Is my partner perfect now? No! But we are now together and building a home, he is happy, he doesn't get angry at me and the kids so much and when he does he can remove himself from the situation and calm down where in the past he would have shouted and broke things.
Of course the behaviours of your partner were not ok. But if he can prove that he can change and maintain the changed behaviour, then maybe it' d be worth giving him another shot. If it's what you want.
Just as everyone is saying his behavior is actually predictable . He's shocked that you've taken control and he's manipulating you and that 'guilted ' feeling is exactly what he's aiming for . Don't be surprised if he does actually use the 'I might kill my self ' line . The best thing you can do if he does that is actually call the police . Tell them he's saying he's suicidal . They'll do a welfare check and if they do find him in that state will get him help . If they don't then .. There u go . Whatever you do DO NOT go running back if and when he does this ! It is not your fault and is it not your responsibility !!!!
If what he is saying is true , or you feel like you want to test him out please do things like - while you are still separated attend counseling together ! Don't get back together until you have actually worked through some issues !! The space between you will actually help that and if you find that he doesn't commit or follow through with attending and working on things then u know he was trying to just say what he thinks u wanted to say . If he's genuine then he'll do the work and understand that you need space while that's happening !!
You have taken a massive step ! Good on you ! The next little while will be tough but you can do it !! Get yourself supported ! Keep going to counseling , give yourself time to sort your emotions and thoughts . Try to switch off your phone for a bit so he's not in your face trying to get you to reconsider . Good luck mumma !!
Just as everyone is saying his behavior is actually predictable . He's shocked that you've taken control and he's manipulating you and that 'guilted ' feeling is exactly what he's aiming for . Don't be surprised if he does actually use the 'I might kill my self ' line . The best thing you can do if he does that is actually call the police . Tell them he's saying he's suicidal . They'll do a welfare check and if they do find him in that state will get him help . If they don't then .. There u go . Whatever you do DO NOT go running back if and when he does this ! It is not your fault and is it not your responsibility !!!!
If what he is saying is true , or you feel like you want to test him out please do things like - while you are still separated attend counseling together ! Don't get back together until you have actually worked through some issues !! The space between you will actually help that and if you find that he doesn't commit or follow through with attending and working on things then u know he was trying to just say what he thinks u wanted to say . If he's genuine then he'll do the work and understand that you need space while that's happening !!
You have taken a massive step ! Good on you ! The next little while will be tough but you can do it !! Get yourself supported ! Keep going to counseling , give yourself time to sort your emotions and thoughts . Try to switch off your phone for a bit so he's not in your face trying to get you to reconsider . Good luck mumma !!