This is a question and a vent. I have a 12 year old son who has monitored use of a mobile and strict monitoring on Skype. He is not allowed to watch MA and only allowed to watch M at my discretion. It seems though that I walk a lonely road. Having had my son at 17, I thought I'd be cooler than most, yet I'm too busy parenting and protecting my child to be cool.
My son thinks we are way too strict and to be fair, most of his friends are allowed a great deal more social media and MA movies than he is. He goes to a nice school, with nice kids and families and yet the restrictions don't seem to match what I see the families values to be. Most parents seem to give in.
In regards to social media his friends pretty much all have kik, Instagram, Skype and snapchat. About half have Facebook. I've asked so many parents what there reasoning is. They think they are harmless apps. They think Instagram doesn't have the filth of Facebook. Um, hello? Yes it does. Kik is actually rated 17+ for a reason. In order to join Instagram before 13 they have to lie about their age. Are parents actually ok with this? I've looked up kids I know. 12 years old and following tons of strangers and with their personal details right at my fingertips. Where are the parents? What do they have left to get excited about when they get it at 11?? Do parents actually research apps before their children are given the greenlight? Any apps my child wants, if I don't have it, I get it and I research it. I care what I am exposing him to. I care about protecting him from the harms he is too young to foresee.
When my son uses Skype it is next to me and I keep an eye out. Yes his friends swear sometimes because they don't realise I am there, but as long as they are polite and respectful to me (which they all are) then I overlook those things. We have strict rules about us needing to know every person he speaks to and not accepting requests without talking about it first. We do have plans for more social media at 13, and as I can see him abiding by our rules and being responsible, we will monitor from further back until eventually he will be grown up enough to manage it all himself. That certainly isn't at age 12 though.
I get that kids want to be online all the time. But social skills in the real world are important. Relationships in the real world matter. Why let them get consumed with their online lives, how many followers they have and how many likes they get at such a young age. It can be damaging to their self esteem and it can make for a very lonely life. It drives levels of anxiety in tweens and teens as well. The research is there.
So many kids mobile phones are unmonitored and they look up highly innapropriate things because no one is checking. I've spoken to my son about what kids at school do, to friends kids who go to different schools and to colleagues kids as well. All the same story. Porn is apparently rife in lunch breaks on mobile phones. Again, where is the monitoring from responsible parents?? My sons phone blocks anything innapropriate. Yes we pay the app but it's a small amount for piece of mind. Yes we trust him, but not blindly. He's 12, curious and able to be influenced.
As for movies and games rated M and MA, how is death, gore and sex appropriate at 12? The shows these kids are watching just blows my mind. There is research on violent games and yet the parents keep buying them. Sometimes I wonder if parents find it easier to just give in? Or do they just not care?
Sure you can say you trust your kids and you've given them the right info, but the fact remains that the section of their growing brains that can foresee the consequences of their actions is not fully developed. Does this mean nothing? Do you think the academics who study the affects of violence in children exposed through various media don't know what they're talking about? Or perhaps you think that little Tommy is immune and you've raised him so well that he can defy science.
I would love to hear from the parents that place restrictions on their kids and what they are. I would also love to hear the reasoning on parents who buy MA games, give their kids unsupervised internet access and allow all the social media before they are even a teenager. Why? Sorry if I sound angry, I am. I'm all for each to their own style of parenting, but this is the next generation and if we don't parent them and let them be kids then I seriously fear for the future. I say take them outside, enrol them in sports, have a friend over, buy them a book, spend some time with them rather than the games/movies/social media parenting them for you. You may not like the outcome.
4 Replies
We had similar rules to you with my son (he is now an adult).
Both my sisters kids have strict rules in place now (kids ranging from 4-13).
Limited screen time etc. make sure if they we are going to let them see something rated M/MA that we have seen it first to check.
My sisters have all seen my cousins kids make horrible choices on social media we were determined that wasn't happening to our kids.
I only have young kids, but they will definitely not be getting any social media accounts until at least 15! If they're lucky. (I'm 26 this year and didn't get Facebook until 20ish. (Had a "MySpace " at 17/18, but never used it. )
I don't even want my kids having a mobile until 15.
As for the "M" rated movies, some are perfectly fine for a 12 year old, most just have bad language. So I'd check the movie out before letting them watch it. (Definitely no MA though).
I think many parents allow the use of social media so young because they're scared of letting their kids out in the real world. (Saw a post today that was about sleepovers and nearly everyone said they'd never allow a sleepover because you don't know who could be a molester etc. )
So by parents sheltering kids in reality, they think that allowing them to chat to complete strangers online is ok.
I'd much prefer a sleepover (best weekends of my life as a kid! So sad my children may never get to experience it).
You sound like you're raising a very level headed boy.
My daughter is about to be 5. I can't see allowing her to have social media until she's at least 15, and even then I expect there to be many conversations about social media safety etc. At least as parents we do have an upper hand in that we have seen the development of social media and the dangers inherent. Anything that comes along in the immediate future we will be fully across. I feel bad for parents who don't use/understand social media. Mine currently watches YouTube videos but we have heavy blocks in place to prevent her acessing content that we consider unsuitable.
As for watching movies/media content rated M/MA - it's really case by case: I'd at least watch it before my child did if possible and I know what my daughter can handle. Some of her peers are quite sensitive to strong themes, but she watched things like Labyrinth at around 2 years of age and wasn't bothered by the darker parts of it, and has recently watched Star Wars with me and her dad. Similarly, you know what your child can handle and what your comfortable with him seeing.
I am not particularly concerned by what other parents are doing with their kids with respect to these matters, nor am I interested in hearing how I'm messing up my kid by allowing her to watch scary movies etc.
I had a little chuckle at your first paragraph about thinking you'll be a cool mum. I had my son young too and i remember when I was pregant and my little friends saying how much of a cool mum I'll be. So didnt happen. I'm really strict and had this same rant to my mum recently.
My son is only 6 mind you but his cousins who are 3 years older have ipads and their parents allowed them to have wifi access on them and pretty much zero parental supervision. So 12 months ago when my son was at their house the kids were on youtube and searched a few innocent things and they ended up looking at clips from horror movies like the conjuring and the ring etc...
My son STILL won't go to the toilet by himself. He spent 3 months afraid to be in a room alone. I had to sit with him until he fell asleep. He was pretty much traumatized by what he saw. My point is there is a reason why we have to be careful what our children do with technology, the internet and social media. From this to the creeps that prey on young teens on social media.
My son's school recently sent out a note expressing their concern about the amount of children discussing and using the language and violent behavior associated with the game COD. My husband has the game and he doesnt even play it unless the kids are asleep because there is no way its suitable for children, yet there are little kids allowed to play it. My son complains hes not allowed, but too bad!
With movies when hes older we will be watching them first and deciding whether its suitable or not.
You stick to your rules and your child can complain all they like but doesnt mean they get their own way.