I have a 20 month old with my ex who I left nearly 9 months ago. In the break up period, I got pregnant, and am waiting for the arrival of our beautiful son in 8 weeks, as a single mother.
A little background on my ex. He has aspergers and i feel has been raised with quite a negative outlook on life. He is very difficult to deal with, confusing to fight with, impossible to get through to. Doesn't have a licence. Lives at home with parents who are hoarders and have pets that pee and poop where they please and it doesnt often get cleaned properly, rent free and they all smoke in the house.
So basically I've been a single mother since the birth of our first child because he was just hopeless. I paid for everything for the first bub and am paying for most with our second now with some help from him. I didn't return to work after first bub and getting pregnant with next one so I am on single parenting allowance and I quite often struggle.
Long story short, he never gets to have his kids on his own because I won't let them go to his parents house for health and safety reasons. So for him to be able to see them, I have to go pick him up and we have to do something, using my petrol and my time. I'm usually happy to do this so our child can actually see dad, but I feel he never actually appreciates it and he always just ends up arguing with me and putting guilt trips on me and telling me how unfair his life is because I took everything away from him. He's still upset and in love with me and makes me feel horrible about ever finding another partner. He talks to me everyday through text message and I usually reply because I know the consequences of not are worse then ignoring and I do wish to keep things civil and nice as possible.
So I think my question is, how should I distance myself yet keep things civil with such a difficult human being? And if anyone's got advice on keeping things a bit less messy with the meet ups, that would be wonderful.
I know that he is always going to be in my life but I just feel like he's too much in my life because I'm still looking after his arse kind of thing.
I hope this all makes sense, and would appreciate no negative comments as I'm just a mum trying to figure out how to make my life a little easier.
Thank you.
4 Replies
What are the consequences?
Sorry I have Aspergers, so this is going to come from a place of insight.
Stop looking after him and stop picking him up etc. Stop responding to text messages.
It's time to go to mediation and sort this out properly and out up proper boubdaries.
If he is making any kind of threats when you don't respond to text messages then he is abusive and you shouldn't respond. If you are worried for his welfare get the police to do a welfare check. That's it.
If he wants to see his kids he can catch a bus/train etc or a taxi. He can meet you at a playground or park spend time with the kids for a few hours and go home. Stop spending money.
I did this with my ex. He came to my place, stayed and looked after children in that time. But he would argue, resent it, be angry, leave early, he actually stormed out yelling don't ever call me to help with anything ever again ( in front of the kids)
So yes. Thats unacceptable. He couldnt come back. Set the boundaries, lay out what the offer is, the expectation of his behaviour, and stick to it and if he doesn't, then cancel it. Leave it to him to arrange without your help. Its about your sanity too.
You are about to have a baby. I would be telling him straight that the between a todler and a new baby, you can't pick him up and talk to him all the time. Set rules set times. Maybe a park near your house he can meet you at and get there on his own accord. Texts on that day and a mid week time.
im not sure if this will come across as rude or not, but this man has aspergers, his life to him is negative, it is black and white, and he has known one thing for a time and it has changed. I have aspergers, my children (all four soon probably to be five) has aspergers and it is hard, while I don't know this man, I can say that prob the best thing you can do for him is to set rules. I would go to court, het a parenting plan in place and stick to it strictly. He will too as most Aspergers people "conform" to rules that have been set out for them.
It is hard and the best thing you can do is to just stop, stop arguing, you will never win you just cannot. Stop looking after him as harsh as it sounds he says that he loves you but there is really no emotion there just comfort in the same.
Get the rules in place and you will find it easier to distance your self and so will he.