I don't know What to do, or who to talk to.
This may seem really disjointed, i'll try to make as much sense as i can.
This year, i'll have been married for eight years. Together for twelve, and have three children aged six and under.
I've just turned thirty, and am not sure if i'm having some kind of midlife crisis. I have numerous health issues, all endocrine/hormonal, and i thought this was what contributed to my feelings, but after three months of treatment, feeling better within myself, my feelings for my husband (lack of, to be precise) have not changed.
My first experience of a relationship, when i was very young, was a DV relationship. My two aunties (both have had DV realtionships) helped me see sense, and get out. Needless to say, it changed what i looked for in a partner. Insead of following my heart (which got me in the DV mess), i used my head. To feel safe, and secure, were my top priorities. When i met my husband, he met those requirements, and we started our life together. He's a good guy, not a bad bone in his body, he loves me - really loves me. I thought my health problems were my libido problems... Sadly not.
Now, looking back, i'm not sure i've ever really been in love with him.
Of course i love him, but i mean IN LOVE!
I have friends who have been together the same amount of time, and they cant keep their hands off each other. Not just sexual, hugs, hand holding, generaly caring for their partner.
This is where i sound like a cow. I don't feel like that. I never have. He works away sometimes... I look forward to it. One less person to look after. I know it sounds terrible, but it's how i feel.
So then i get to thinking, should i leave? Or ask him to leave? But why? I have no interest in finding someone else. But do i carry on the rest of my life with this great guy that i don't love? He deserves to be loved?
I've been as SAHM for 5 years, and then i panic, thinking i'd be left with nothing if we split, he paid for everything we have. How would i support three children by myself?
My family are all in the UK, i literally have no one but our little family here in Aus. I'm scared, scared of thr thought of living in a loveless marraige, and scared of the future being a single parent.
6 Replies
12 years is a long time to give up on if you aren't sure.
Have you tried any counselling, both seperately and together?
It sounds like the spark is gone, but that doesn't mean the relationship is over.
You don't need a spark to have a healthy relationship, but you can always reignite it if you both try hard enough.
Date nights (hard with children, I know - but it can be as simple as getting the children to bed early, putting on a good movie, cuddling on the lounge, sharing popcorn and drinking wine.... or even leaving the TV off and just talking) are important.
Having a break from being a mum and a wife is important, too.
But there's nothing wrong with leaving this marriage, either, if you're certain that you don't want to put the time and energy into it.
I suggest you try first, but I don't think its a good idea to stick around only because you're scared of having nothing.
Thank you. I'm just not sure there was ever really a spark to begin with. So do i fake one?
I sound so heartless.
We haven't tried councelling. Only due to money. And i know the problem is me.
The 'problem' isn't you. You can't control your emotions - only your actions.
Speak to your husband. Tell him - as gently as possible - the truth.
Tell him that you love him, but there's been a lot going on in your mind lately and you're concerned that your marriage lacks a spark.
He might even have realized it by now.
Together, you both decide your next step.
If you decide to stay and work things out, it'll require you both to put in the extra effort.
Go and see a doctor, and ask about a mental health care plan. Ask for a referral to a psychologist. You should be able to get 10 free sessions a year.
Work on learning to love yourself as your first step.
Before you do anything, go organise some counselling for yourself. You sound terribly confused, and an unbiased coubsellor can help you work through all of this.
Before you pull the pin, have a really good look at what your financial situation would be. He may well of paid for everything but that doesn't mean you are entitled to nothing.
Not being Australian (permanent resident), i don't know how centrelink/child support works, i don't know how i'd find out either.
Do you think maybe if you got out of the house and found (even part time) a job (I am a sahm) would that make you feel better instead of having all this time sitting wondering "what could be" "how should it be"
You have probably been "in love" with your husband but kids get in the way and you forget. They do change things.
Counselling would work heaps. Speak to a GP and explain how you are feeling and see if they can refer you for the mental health service at your local hospital (DEFINATELY NOT saying you are mental).