Hi ladies.
Just wondering if any of you have given up on your happiness for the sake of your children?
I recently ended a four year relationship for the sake of my daughter. I love this man the same amount as my children. (Not the father of my children)
My kids love him, but one night we (ex and I) had an argument/fight. It was heated. And my daughter overheard it all. It scared her, the yelling at each other, we hardly raise our voices at each other, so it was a shock I say. (No physical violence at all happened). From then, he's moved out, to make things easier for her, and my daughter has refused to have anything to do with him. He's tried talking to her, and giving her the space she has asked for. (They were like best friends before he and I had this argument)
Any way, fast forward a few more months, and nothing has changed. So after a lot of thought, I decided to end things with this man. I can't keep him waiting for ever, in hoping she changes her mind. I love my children more than anything in this world. And I will give up my happiness for them, I have. I have hurt the man I love. And my other children are devastated that he is no longer apart of their lives.
My daughter just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. (13 yrs old)
Did I do the right thing? Is her happiness more imortant than the rest of the family?
Please be fair. She is a good kid, and can is emotional at times. But I don't know if she is emotional blackmaiing me, because she knows I will do what ever I can to make sure they are happy, and safe. The last thing I want is for her to hate and resent me later down the track when she's older. I want to be there for her. But I miss how it was before this happened. I'm sorry it's so long. I hope it made sense.
Giving up your happiness for your children
Giving up your happiness for your children
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
13 Replies
I think, in this situation, its ok to put your happiness first.
Its all well and good to want to 'put the kids first' but seeing as he hasnt actually done anything to your daughter and all that happened was you guys had a fight, i think shes being a little bit 'miss13'
Is she actually any happier with him gone?
In the long run will it make her happy to see you alone and missing the man you love?
Its ok to be a mum and still have your own life, dreams, desires and goals. Miss 13 may just need to find a way to deal with it.
Your 13 year old sounds like she is being a 13 year old!
If your partner was an alcoholic, abusive, a drug addict, whatever I would get it. But that's not the case here, and sounds like she is holding everyone to ransom. I think that's too much control for a 13 year old and she doesn't understand the consequences.
I think it's time for a firm chat, that people argue sometimes and behave in ways we don't like occasionally but that doesn't mean we kick them out of the family. If we did that, our children would all be in foster care.
I think 12/13 is when most girls realise there parents are not perfect and I think that's what is going on here.
You need to be very honest - was it that bad? What did he say? Will it happen again? Has the relationship deteriorated to nasty arguments, is there other things going on, is there something else going on between those two, how is often do arguments or disrespect happen.
I personally don't believe things are one offs, if it happened once it can happen again. But if you both agrwe its unacceptablw and have a plan to avoid it in future and will separate at any sign of a repeat, I wouldn't let her evict him on one incident. Two, OK.... I just feel there's something going on here either that's not really it or she's stibborn and enjoying the power. But I think she needs some guidance and shouldn't be in a position to weigh in on adult relationships.
As someone who's mum picked her husband over me, thank you! You have done the best thing. But remember your happiness is important too! Big hugs mumma xo
I think she is being a little b$&@
Personally I think you may of made a mistake :(
Letting your teenager think the world revolves around her.... in fact proving it does, is a BIG BIG BIG mistake. What will be next? People argue. Its a shame kids have to know that but she needs to learn resilience. Families don't bust up every time there's a fight. Life lesson opportunity here!
Hi, I am the mother that wrote this, I want to thank you all for replying. I have my daughter I'm counselling. And I'm trying to change the circumstances at home. She does suffer from anxiety and has always been a nervous child. We are working on that. I get that couples argue. And when ever we did have a disagreement with each other, we would always do it alway from the children. This particular argument, we did yell at each other, through frustration and anger. We both said things that we both regret. And both are to blame. Unfortunately, we were arguing about her dad, and his lack of involvement in the children's lives. And then coming back, and disappear again when he felt like it. Unfortunately, she heard things that no child wants to hear about their parents. Especially when it is from a step parent's perspective.
I am in no means passing blame in either direction. And I do get that she is a 13 yr old girl. She isn't a perfect child, but isn't the type to blackmail, and she's not a bitch or a turd as some has stated. She's a good natured girl. Just highly emotional.
She does need to learn though that her being emotional does not mean other peoples relationships chnage. I think you soubd like an amazing mummy! You are doing the absolute best you can. Your child has mental health issues and thats okay, it happens. She isnt a bad kid because of it. But you cant hide her from the world. The fact is she will most likely auffer with anxiety all her life if she already suffers so badly, if not it will be on and off. She needs to learn how to handle that and you need to help guide her. The best way for her to learn that the world wont change for her anxiety is foe you to gently teach her. Id let your man come home. Your daughter isnt depressed or anxious because of him, she has a mental health issue and her anxieties in this situation stem from that and by the sounds of it her father. There is no reason to punish your partner for that. There is also very little reason to teach your child that these emotions are gis fault. Sit her down gently and empathise with her. Express your understanding. Shes hurt. She doesnt like him. Shes sad abiut dad. Shes worried. Tell her these are all normal emotions, that its okay to feel that way, that these emotions and thoughts mught not go away right now but in time they might get better. Tell her you love her dearly. Tell her that your partner has done nothing wrong and that he is a good man. Tell her your sorry she feels that way and that you arent asking her to change her feeling but that he will be coming back to live. She doesnt have to be okay with b it, she doesn't have to like hin or be friends with him. But this is his home now too and you cant just kick him out. Thats the absolute best lesson you can teach your daughter. Right now she needs boundaries and coping strategies, shes got a life long struggle ahead that isnt going to get easier. By pandering to her you only set her up for further hurt and worse hurt at that. She will be okay. She will be sad, she will be angry, she will be anxioys. And yes it will upset you to see that. But you need to help you THROUGH it not AVOID it. Because even though he might be gone, those feelings wont be. Good luck mumma. Its hatd. But youve got this. You both have. Now bring your man home and let him support you through this, you're going to need that support
Absolutely best advice!! I love this reply! So beautifully said and well written, I couldn't find the words to express how heartbreaking it felt to read this question, for all involved, you've nailed it!
Was there truth behind what your partner said about your daughter's dad?
It sounds like she is more angry about what she heard about her dad and is mad at your partner. Its hard for kids to learn that their parent who was once a "super hero" in their eyes, is actually not quite as wonderful as they thought. She may have been figuring it out for herself but actually hearing the words out loud hit a nerve. She also won't know how to channel her anger and disappointment about her father and is possibly acting out, and lashing out and your partner and possibly you too mum. Emotions at that age are so messy as it is.
If your partner is as wonderful as you say he is, I think your doing the wrong thing ending the realtionship. I know you think your protecting your daughter's feelings but this can be resolved without jumping to a break up. 4 years is a long time for children to attach to someone and assuming the other children are younger, this would be very difficult for them. I think going to counselling with your daughter and explaining that your not ending the realtionship and go from there. This can be resolved.
Hi, unfortunately, there was a lot of truth to what was said about her father. She just heard in such a negative way. It was in anger, frustration, and in tears. I hate that she heard a lot of the fighting. It's heartbreaking. I've always shielded her from her father and his stupidity (sorry there is no other word to describe him).
My partner, he is a good man, he has his faults like every one else. I tried to solve this along time before he moved out. She refused to see him as any other way. It's so hard. It's been almost a year now since this happened. I don't know what to do. I've got her and I in counselling. I'm at a loss. I have been hoping it's just her hormones, and she will be over this, but I don't think it will actually change.
Anf mum, although its hard, thats okay. She doesnt have to like your partner. Ideally it would be great if she did but she doesnt have to. Just empathise with her. Let her off the hook. Just simply tell her "you dont like him and thats okay. You dont have to be friends. Im asking you to be respectful of him but that doesnt mean you have to like him. I love you but I also love him and that doesnt mean you have to too. But just because you dont like him doesnt mean I don't. So for now, this conversation is over. You havent done anything wrong but either has he and I wont end a relationship just because you dont like that person." And thats it. Leave it there. She doesnt like him. She may never like him. And thats okay. Unless he has done something wrong then really it doesnt have much to do with your relationship with him, it should in no way ever be a deciding factor. Its so very important that she knows A) she doesnt have to like someone or be there friend no matter who they are but also B) that just because she doesnt like someone doesnt mean everypne else has to stop being their friend.
I have to say i think he has done soemthing wrong in badmouthing her dad, whether theres truth to it or not is completely irrelevant. I find the idea of telling her that she doesnt have to like him but he'll be there as tyour partner a bit off. I cant see how anyone could be happy with that. Surely he has to be responsible for what he did. Its rule number one, dont speak badly about a kids parent. Shes half him, thats her dad. I do think he needs to earn his way back, she cant evict him , but she needs guidance with giving second chance and forgiveness.