Ok I'm at my wits end. I'll try keep it short. My husband is 1 of 3 children and the only boy. Both his sisters have a couple of kids each and so do we. 1 sister is with a piece of sh$t guy and lives interstate. The other sister lives same suburb as us and her mother. She was with a very very bad bloke who did some horrendous things to her and is now in jail for quite a few years. When this was all happening, her mother took his sister, and her kids under her wing and did everything for them. And it hasn't stopped! At first I thought she was great and had a heart of gold but it's gotten to the point where it's heart breaking for us! She only comes near our kids when she absolutely has to, never calls us to see how we're going, comes to my kids birthday parties for 5 minutes then "has to go". Only has anything to do with the kids when she absolutely has to, and never offers help to us for anything. I don't care about us, it's our kids that get hurt. My husband has done so much for her anytime she needs it! And were always offering help to her. Now, she bends over backwards for her daughter & her kids. Does EVERYTHING for them! Takes them to school, takes them to appointments, buys them everything, takes them on holidays, takes them on outings. Just everything! It's just so unfair! I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for our kids!!
4 Replies
Sounds to me as though MIL is overcompensating.
One daughter is with a 'piece of shit' and the other was seriously abused. She probably blames herself for it.
One daughter is basically gone, so she makes it up to the daughter she can.
Whereas your husband didn't experience this abuse, so he doesn't get the extra attention.
I'm not saying its acceptable for her to basically blow her own son off, but I'm saying that there might be an understandable underlying reason as to why.
Have you and your husband spoken to her, and told her how you'd love to spend more quality time with her?
Don't say that you think she does too much for her daughter, but tell her your children would love some bonding experiences with her.
Invite her out to a picnic, to the zoo, beach, whatever, and see what she says.
I'd get hubby to sit down and have a chat.
My auntie was doing a similar thing with her kids and grandkids. It turned out she thought my cousin was a danger to the grandkids. She was verbally abusing them and neglecting them. She really thought my cousin shouldn't be left alone or parent her own kids. So my aunties way of making sure they stayed safe was being with them constantly.
Imagine what you'd do if something horrendous happened to your daughter. She's overprotecting her now and supporting her and she's probably stepped in as a parent role in the family. So its like asking someone with young kids to prioritise your kids, they just can't. Their day , thoughts, practical arrangements revolve around those kids.
In my opinion, thats where it crosses into being unhealthy and possibly codependent. She's not the parent and the sister needs lots of help but also encouragement to be independent.
My mum does this too, she lives with her daughter and even worse her Husbands there he's the spare wheel. She lives with the grandkids, they do everything together, visit together and my kids are left always coming off second best. Its hurtful, it's unfair, its not likely to change unless she wants it to. Talking to her did nothing here she's in denial.
I don't think there is an answer, just that it is what it is.
The way I deal is they get what they give. Don't prioritise someone who makes you an option. But they're not cut off. Most families have oddballs and assholes in it, but they're still family, thats important for kids.
The sad fact is that a good percentage of mums feel closer their daughters kids than to their sons (as they are more comfortable with their daughters than daughters in law). Add to this the situation her daughter is in and she's just got to prioritise her time to those kids. Of course it sucks for your kids and your feelings are valid. Maybe you could offer to 'swap' with her sometimes and have your sister in laws kids while she takes yours to the park or wherever. Sit down and have a 'no judgement' chat with her and explain that your kids want to spend time with her too and what can you do to facilitate it? Good luck ?