Hello lovely IM's,
This is a bit of a novel so please stay with me. I need advice in regards to my partners behaviour... We have been together almost 10 years and we have a beautiful 4 year old boy together. Both in our mid 20s. I have suspected he has depression for quite a while but I am actually not sure if its depression or if he really is just an arsehole!!
One minute he is wonderful. He is kind, affectionate, happy. Loves coming home to his family, doesn't mind going to work. All the usual traits of a happy person. Then suddenly everything falls apart. He totally changes. I don't mean he just has a bad day, I mean absolute different person. He snaps at me, speaks nasty to me and puts me down, blames me for anything and everything, is grumpy if i haven't kept totally on top of the housework or that what I cook for dinner isn't good enough. He is terrible with money. Will spend anything we have on totally unnecessary crap. He basically goes from a loving partner to someone who I am simply not good enough for in his eyes. He has always had a problem with alcohol, binge drinking since I have known him (he was 15 when we met and started dating). He gets abusive when he drinks, says horrible nasty things to me and calls me names, never in front of our son though. Apparently I am a controlling bitch because I don't think its appropriate for him to be out drinking all weekend every weekend only to come home drunk/hungover being nasty (he done exactly that for the first 3 years of our sons life). Im not really sure if I am asking a question or just needing to vent. I am just SO confused. How can you go from being totally in love with someone to them being not good enough for you the next week? I literally do EVERYTHING for him and our family. I work 15hrs a week, do 100% of the housework and caring for our son. If he needs anything he knows to just call and I drop everything to do it for him. I just don't know how to have a future with him. I can't even talk to him because he just tells me i am a sook or whinging or to shut the fuck up. He even blocked my number so I couldn't call him and told me if I even messaged his Facebook he would block me on there too. Who the hell does that to their partner? Like maybe a crazy ex, but their partner, really? I am starting to not see any of the good parts anymore. I almost feel like sometimes I only stay with him because I know I can keep my son safe all the time (He would drink drive with him otherwise, he has taken him and done so before) Just not sure how to keep giving 100% to this relationship and get nothing but abuse and nastiness back 90% of the time. My son absolutely adores his Dad, it would break his heart to not have Dad there all the time. Whilst I'd never ever keep them apart, just the thought if his Dad doing something stupid with him makes me feel sick. Sorry for the rambling, I am just so miserable right now.
Thankyou for any advice lovelies :)
12 Replies
Bad news...
Yes it could be or even something else besides but he needs to see a psychiatrist to determine what it is. Substance abuse alone can be a huge source of this type of behaviour.
Problem is though he wont listen to go and get help.
you are correct, i have tried for years to get him to see a psychiatrist however he simply won't go or tells me he doesn't need to because I am the one who has the problems and needs to go :(
You are right though. Being there is the only to assure your son's safety I ran thinking it would keep my kids safe.....nooooooope. .....made it near impossible to keep them safe
When he loses the plot call the police let the courts pick him up there are diversions you can ask for and even have him assessed and treated and police will make referrals too
yes being home every weekend with my son is the best way i can assure he isn't in the car with a bad drunk driver. As long as I am home with my son he won't take him with him. Have thought about calling police when he drink drives (he's usually alone) but was worried he would find out it was me :(
Rbt cops arent stupid calls are anonymous
Tbh I've wanted mental health screening standard in all family law domestic violence and substance abuse related crime....but I've never been able to get any support for it
In all honesty even those who have a known diagnosis ensuring they receive treatment is a nightmare and the challenge isnt all them refusing treatment its as often doors of providers being slammed because they are full
One day us ladies will actually be able to have a genuine conversation around here without someone baying the company line....
Yes darling we all know how it works! Some of us have even been here leaving is no guarantee of safety.
You are caught in the abuse cycle, if he won't see someone to get himself help then you need to leave.
This.
Oh wow I could have writen this a few years ago, my partner was almost the exact same so I truely feel what you are going through and it's bloody tough ! I suggest you go get some counselling,( although it's not you who is causing this) it can do wonders when you believe that it can't, for me it helped me open up and express my feelings and made me feel stronger secondly it helped me understand PTSD ( what my partner unknowingly was suffering) it helped me learn to listen and look for triggers, it helped me understand That by trying to get him to see my point of view while he was in a bad way was just beating my head against the wall and it helped me to help him, it helped me be able to discuss these issues when he was in a good place ( before I would bottle it up and not rock the boat during the good times and argue with him when he done the whole weekend binge) if you can no longer live like this you can get help and put in place things to keep your son safe, talk to someone and ask their advice (professional) and see if you can put in any orders for supervision ie breath tests or a family member to pick up and drop off, it's scary I know! I had the same fears (I still do) but I had a partner who seen the affect it had on me and didn't like who he had become and decided to change and I was lucky because he put in 110 per cent but this was after years and eventually I walked away, he hit rock bottom, broke and sick of drinking to forget his problems to wake to find he had lost his family had the impact it should have, and he made the choice to change and we still battle it but it's a lot easier to battle it when we are on the same side ,if he won't change you need to walk away, for you and your son and it will break your heart but it's the best alternative and you can protect yourselves , sorry it's such a confused novel it's a topic so close to me I get a bit emotional about it but please look after yourself and your baby first and foremost and know you are not alone x just wanted to add that my partners actions cause PTSD in myself and later when he was diagnosed we were able to fit the pieces of the puzzle together my psychologist didn't diagnose my partner only on my word, this was after he decided to get help for himself )
It sounds like he needs a "wake up call" or else his family will live a life without him. .. because reality is hes missing so much already.
Im sorry but id b leaving been there done that id say leave now