Today i received my 5 year old daughter back from her fathers care and I'm disappointed? Distraught? Disgusted?... by what she has told me.
A little back story.
I left the father due to DV and alcoholism over 3 years back.
I moved back to my home town and my family 10 hours away from the father, with my child. She was 2 at the time.
Over the intrum we came to the agreement that she will visit him every 8-10 weeks for 1-2 weeks. I was and always have been very accommodating in ensuring she has a meaningful relationship with the father. Unlike him.
(While there is much more to this story, maybe another time).
Over the 3 years, he had a child with another girl, and i met my best friend and married him!
My husband absolutely adores my girl and loves her as his own. She has called him daddy for a while now. She was never forced too... my husband just asked her one day if she would like two dads, and from that day she called him dad. She has always had a choice.
The last few visits I've picked her up and she has said (what i believe to be) very inappropriate and horrible things.
Today she was saying that she only has one dad, she doesn't love her other dad or want him, she hates him, he is going to jail (i personally have absolutely no idea why this was said). "if there's anymore dads, I'll be pissed off", were the exact words out of 5 years old mouth. Never have i ever heard such words come out of her mouth before.
This isn't the first time she has come back saying that my hubby is not her dad etc, but it definitely was the worst.
Then she said that her (real) dad is marrying his gf, so she will call her mum now.
Now i knew this day would come, and i am more than prepared for it to occur. As i said earlier, it's my daughters choice. I only want her to be loved and care for while I'm not there.
So what the hell is the ex playing at??
What is he teaching my child??
That is not ok to love other men other than him??
He is telling my daughter not to call her step-father dad anymore, and that he is going to jail?
I personally fell that now he has completely lost control over me after being recently married, he is now using our child as a tool.
Also, Previously she had coming back saying her and her father have "secrets" together that she isn't allowed to tell anyone, not even mummy.
I want my daughter to be able to come to me for anything. Never to have to hide things from me.
Am i over reacting to these situations?
Has anyone experienced these before?
I feel sick in my tummy. I feel as though my girl has been brainwashed, and is so everytime she visits.
Ps
I know it's only a piece of the story but i hope it makes sense!
8 Replies
Yerp its why you left him remember.
Make sure your daughter has a counsellor she is going to need them.
My ex literally threw a tantrum and stormed off down the beach the night before I remarried told the kids they weren't going to love him anymore because they have a step father it I nothing but 100% narcissistic head fk she is going to need a psychologist for a long time to help her navigate her father.
Another word for it is grooming psych will help you teach protective behaviours
We are going through this with my 12 year old niece at the moment. It's horrible, I'm sorry your little girl is going through this.
If he's abusive he's probably immature and can't handle situations like an adult, mix that with not valuing that xhildrne shouldn't see or hear it at all and that's what you get. Best thing you can do is ignore, tell her and show her your values ie mummy can love who she wants and she's lvuky she found a lvodly love. And no matter the name you call him he will love you too.
Try to calm her mind not mix it up anymore. I also stop the conversation by telling my kids its adults business and that's for grownups to worry about, not little kids, so don't you worry its not youre job, because you're just a kid, arent you?!
Thank you for your response ladies.
All very helpful and i will definitely take it on bored.
I spoke to my husband last night and we agreed to take to see a psychologist.
It's just heartbreaking.
She idolizes her fathers family.
Nothing i say is right. Her grandmother and father are hold in her eyes. And i guess I've always allowed her to feel that way, as i want her to have a relationship with them.
I guess I'm just at my wits end. And it really hurts hearing her say it too :(
When she saw my husband after her trip, she literally ran into his arms and gave him the biggest hug and kiss. Poor kid :(
I have always taught my kids there is a difference between secrets and surprises, surprises are good things and nd we might not tell because we don't want to ruin the surprise, like what you got mum for Christmas etc, but secrets can hurt people and we shouldn't keep secrets from our family who we can trust and who can help make sure people don't get hurt. Don't know if that strategy might help, but the whole 'our special secrets' just doesn't sit comfortably with me and would be my biggest concern in all this. also make sure your child knows they will never get in trouble for telling you something even if it might be upsetting to hear, they are doing the right thing by talking to you about it and they can trust you.
My brother separated from his wife two years ago. They both now have new partners who are great to the two boys and whilst the boys should acknowledge that and be thankful of their efforts. I would be mortified if one of nephews started referring to my brothers ex wife's partner as his dad! Seriously that's soo wrong!! Especially asking if she would like two daddy's!? What kid would say no? I want two of everything please! I don't know why your bringing up the DV in your comment cause you also said that you wouldn't stand in the way of them having a relationship? If there was DV I would create as many road blocks as possible. I feel like you want you and your new partner to be a happy little family and forget about your complicated situation.
Sorry but how is this helpful?
Criticising my situation rather than helpful hints??
And naturally i want a happy family without complications? Who wouldn't???
The whole point of asking about 2 dads was to allow her to have the choice. Just as she has the choice when it comes to her step mother.