Well, never did I realise just how much words could hurt until out of the mouth of my 5 year old today I hear, "I don't love you, I only love Daddy". My heart literally broke into a million pieces and he said it so seriously that I had to do everything not to let him see tears.
He came home from his Dads today after spending the long weekend there. Despite our differences, things are fairly amicable. I've always made sure to keep our boy away from any drama and have gone out of my way to support a relationship between him and his Dad. Well hasn't that backfired.
His Dad is the 'fun one'. He only has him every 2nd weekend and has all the time in the world for him when he's there - but parenting to him is nothing more than fun and games. There's no rules, there's a guaranteed trip to McDonalds, he's always getting him the latest cool toys and there's no enforcement of a bath or set bedtime.
And then there's me. I've done it all on my own since he was barely a toddler. Im the one that sets the rules, teaches the manners, packs his lunches, gets him to school, makes sure he eats well, has a bath and gets to bed on time every damn day. And while he's a school, I work. I DONT have all the time in the world for him, Im NOT always fun - I've got a household to run and a life to keep in order.
So tell me, please.. How am I supposed to compete with Dad? My son is my whole world, Im gutted I will lose him or make him unhappy living with me because Im the tough one.
I found myself softening tonight - behaviour I wouldn't normally tolerate I put up with because I didn't want to get cranky at him - I knew his Dad wouldn't. But far out.. Can I really get caught up in a favouritism game with my 5yo as to who is the better/cooler parent?
This is hard. This is truly the hardest bridge I have had to cross since being a single Mum.. and I can't do it.. I don't know what to do. So I reach out to you, amazing community, for any advice or help, or anything at all you may be able to say.
Thank you so much.
9 Replies
I get this daily, even in a non split home it is the same.
You don't compete just be wonderful you.
One day after my charming 3yo at the time came back from a visit with dad for the holidays to see his parents I got told that I wasn't her mum. Apparently someone else was. (His mum) I dont know if you are dealing with a hdfk manipulator but I was and he learned it from previous generations.
But as they get older they cotton on that it isn't all about money and stuff.
Hugs
Hes five. Trips to maccas and fun toys are what he thinks love and happiness is.
When he is older he WILL see that you are the one who is continuously there for him day in and day out.
Dont lose heart, kids say all kinds of weird things.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! Keep going the way that you are, try not soften. I know it's tough, my son sees his dad every second weekend too and there are no rules and garunteed junk food when he spends time there. My son is 5 too. Instead maybe you could find quiet moments together. A book together at bed time or a game (my son loves guess who) they're only small things but I know between my son and I, these are some of his favourite times with me. Just me and him, no distractions. it's tough being the one who sets the rules and encourages positive behaviour but it sounds like all the credit goes to you :) I hope things get better soon.
As a now mother but previous child of a "Disney land dad" or "atm dad" we called him, it will backfire in its own time! Keep doing what you're doing mama! You got this! and I promise you your child will learn eventually that a strong incredible mama who gives all her time to her kids is 100% worth more than a dad who throws money at a problem! Words can be hurtful I know but as a child they just see material objects and a house with no rules they don't understand the concept of loving one parent more entirely.. Please don't let it get to you it will get better!
(Ps Disney land dad has no children who talk to him anymore because everybody woke up and saw the light and mum never spoke a bad word about dad or tried to compete she put her head down and kept on keeping on with her ship and watched his sink ;-)
It's something all my kids have said to me at one point or another and I'm happily married to their dad. He is looking for a reaction and trying to push boundaries. Stay strong mum, you are doing a great job in tiring circumstances.
My come back is "That's okay honey, you don't have to live me. But it is my job to love you and keep you safe/healthy/etc. Now I need you to do (insert horrible task like cleaning teeth)"
Kidlet will come around, he does love you, he just doesn't like the life lesson you are teaching.
Don't change a thing you are helping your son to become a well ajustered responsible adult by being a good parent. His father is acting more like a friend and it's not going to help him as he gets older. Your son will see this eventually, he's only 5.
It won't last forever. My brother has the same problem with his ex (the mother). He takes her out places like the museum or swimming but she doesn't want to be with him because he enforces rules.
The only thing that he knows that in the end, she will eventually understand the struggle you've been through. It might not happen for a while - you can't really explain that to a 5 year old. But when he's older, it will be amazing to know how much his mum sacrificed for him to be where he is in the future.