I have been with my partner for 8 years and he has a mental illness called schizophrenia which he has had for over 20 years and has been in control of it ever since. Now like every relationship we have had our share of blow up arguments and you know I am not asking for a perfect relationship because all relationships take alot of work to make things work and go for the long haul. But in the last three years since living here in Australia (moved from NZ) our relationship has spiraled down hill.
My partner seems to think I should put all my opinions and my feelings aside due to his mental illness because he doesnt like what i have to say and ends blowing up that he is making threats and yelling in my face and has thrown and broken things. All these things he blames me for because he just didnt like what I said and that I actually stand up for myself. I have been blamed for alot of things by him like him losing his job because he was too fatigued all the time because he has to work and then come home and have to do deal with feeding the kids and some times cooking dinner because he was working days and I was working the nights and had a son and new born daughter at the time to think about aswell. So I wasnt a stay at home mum but even stay at home mums are busy being mums 24/7. But I was working a part time job and financially contributing to our family and paying for a debt I made before we met without his help. But I think he felt that with him having to deal with his mental illness and works a harder job that he doesnt have to have responsibility in the home or in our relationship. These same issues keep coming up from him in every fight we have. Isnt being in a relationship having a balanced life and working together as a team. Because he seems to lecture me about it all the time but doesnt seem to practice it. Present day I decided to open a business from home so that I can be at home more and spend time with my family. I am doing really well but my partner still doesnt seem to respect me and accept the fact that I too work my ass off and its just not him. Again the mental illness keeps coming up. I understand all this!!! what I dont understand is that he keeps blaming me and keeps taking it out on me for what he is going through and the frustrations he feels. He says he is always tired. And I say why stay up on your phone or tablet till 4am in the morning on your days off when you can spend that time resting or actually spending time with the kids. But you know what I get the blame again and get told its because your on your phone all the time too. I ran a business from home and I am not on there till 4am in the morning and I still manage to entertain the kids, cook dinner, keep a clean house. Ok mind you he occasionally cooks dinner or buys take aways because he cant be bothered cooking. Then he says because I have to take my medication? Does it really take that long to take your medication? and why do you need to be on your phone/tablet all the time? WHY? get into a relationship if you knew you couldn't cope with it. I tell him that he isnt the only one that deals with this stuff and that he needs to stop lying to people that he has everything under control because he seems to use it as an excuse for everything. He also tells me because I am the problem that I pick and nag at him all the time. Am I not allowed to say anything and then we will live happily ever after????? I guess there is one thing I am doing wrong and that is being defensive in the middle of an arguement. I dont get personal or start calling names unless he started doing it to me because I was at that point I am not putting up with this I am going to stand up for myself. He has said some pretty nasty things towards me that I would never say to him in a million years and I am expected just to get over it!!!! I guess I have put up with it for so long that its just been a habit and I have let it happen. I am done! I am tired of all the bullshit! I am done with him putting me down and thinking that I should just get over it and move on. I deserve better!!! Am I asking for too much? Is anyone else in a relationship with someone with a mental illness????
Am I the only one
Am I the only one
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Behaviour, Kids
15 Replies
I couldn't read all that because mental illness is NOT an excuse for him to behave in an abusive manner.
You need to leave ASAP.
I live with my adult son with mental health issues, they developed around 18 and he became abusive for a very short time. His doctors very clearly said to me and my son that his mental health issues were absolutely no excuse for his behaviour and the behaviour stopped very quickly.
Point being mental illness isn't an excuse for being an asshole. Mental illness is not an excuse for him to use you as his whipping post. Mental illness isn't a reason for you to stay in a crappy rekationship.
I have to ask, is he accessing services?
Mine has bipolar currently separated. Well more specifically he has Bipolar 1 and PTSD, although during a recent study they told him he actually falls more towards schizoaffective disorder (which is basically a nice little mix of schizophrenia and Bipolar because symptoms of psychosis are no longer isolated to his most severe mood swings), which didn't surprise me ONE LITTLE BIT! while he has been almost oblivious to his almost chronic mild symptoms of psychosis for the last 3 years....a nice low level paranoia, always on the defensive even if it is Good Morning, conversations with him being just that bit out of whack as if the conversation we are having isn't the conversation he is having....but not quite enough for the hospital to open the door for him even though it has been making involving him in daily life quite a nightmare. He developed a codeine addiction stopped all his meds and started having huge blows ups and shit. Even drug rehab didn't help because it just put him on MORE opiates.
for the most part he has his chores and otherwise he is basically a border in a room at this point.....because he literally cannot function in a household. he can live in one. but it is more like a man in a bubble.
He stopped the opiates two weeks ago and just the last 3 days its like he is back to his old self again and aware of things outside of himself. I haven't seen that in 3 years.
Is he connected with mind?
Is he connected with the local mental health service?
It sounds like it's time to review his meds again and see where things are at the GP can't do that but he can give him a referral to a psychiatrist through the local mental health service.
And some health clinics also have mental health nurses available who can refer.
You aren't alone hun. I fully understand being sick of it too I've kicked him out on his arse so many times to keep him at arms length while I get services in place.
Marriage counselling will help too.
Schizophrenia is no small thing...it basically doesnt come in small doses he might genuinely not be coping with the workload. But the MHS and or mind can put him in touch with workers who can help him figure out what he can manage in that regard.
Chances are the phone is just him trying to switch off.
When mine is unwell he is connected by IV to his computer. It's a genuine coping mechanism...just one way he tries to deal with symptoms. You can tell. He isnt on it anywhere near as much when actually well.
Establishing routine will help with making sure he contributes somewhat around the house set his jobs and make them his jobs rather than just putting in a bit wherever he see's fit
Mine does dinner every night sometimes the kids help and sometimes I do it but the vast majority of the time it is his because that is designated as his job and if that is all he gets up and does that day that's fine he did his job.
Btw basically all medications for schizophrenia sedate. Its the most common complaint is feeling tired.
Part of the problem could also be the lack of family and other supports here and not being familiar with services. It took...well we are still trying to stabilise him since moving from the NT in 2007 we have had a couple of good stretches last 12 months or so but something always pulls the rug out from under him.
Oh just a tip at the 8 year mark it is very possible you have actually become a feature of the psychosis...hard to pick up on but if the response is always out of context or absolutely over the top compared to what you actually said chances are your voice has joined his voices....and even when you aren't speaking its your voice whipping him contantly hence him responding as he is.
Besides calling police ambulance triage earlier rather than later when you notice you JUST CANT say anything right because it isn't you he is hearing I dont have any real solutions for that.....
Sometimes the police have had to stop by JUST to convince him to take a sedative because I can't ask without him thinking I have some nefarious motivation.
Well I do have some methods....some of the ways we have tackled it...
1.When he is going off don't engage him at all walk away close the door (easier to do if you have separate rooms)
2. Dont add to the voices don't give them material they can play on repeat. When you do engage him always do it when he is calm and if he gets worked up walk away and try again later.
3.use messenger, sms, Skype text. I know it sounds strange but its bypassed his psychosis a few times and makes it easier to talk. Also it provides a record of the conversation that if he tries to add to or embellish what was said you can say scroll back and read (or copy and paste it for him) to verify that it wasn't what you said. It also gives you the chance to reread it before you hit send.....knowing he is wearing tinted glasses which will twist anything you say.
Good luck trying to get a med review.
Mother in laws I have generally found are entirely unhelpful
If you speak to them their son won't take their calls
Or they are in complete denial as to the illness
Or if you dont speak to them so their son will take their calls they are entirely kept in the dark as to what is happening.
And if you sms or email them what is happening they dob you in and then their son stops taking their calls.
And not being here to see it they dont know well enough to question what they are being told....even if they do realise their son is no saint.
I should also warn you particularly schizophrenia medications damage the body long term.....20 years of meds was about the mark mine developed akathesia and started actually experiencing drug induced psychosis from the prescription medications. Yes that which treats it can also cause it, they also lower the seizure threshold and FL seizures/partial seizures arent easy to identify they basically look like acute sudden mood swings.
Which state are you in?
I don't know the in's and out's of what NZ can and can't access here. The truth is you may need to send him back home.
Thank you so much for telling me your story and giving me some useful information. You are so right about me being one of the voices in his head. We have tried counselling a couple of times but it stopped because he started using that to blame me. He does have the support here but the service is a little bit slack sometimes. The mental health actually are saying that he is ready to be off his MEDS and have lowered his doses. For me I dont think this was the right thing to do as everything is more stressful for him because he has bigger responsibilities and he is frustrated that his body and mind cant cope with it. But like I said I have spoken up about my feelings but they just get pushed under the rug. I have tried to talk to him about routines and that oh his days off he can help me with this because with me having my business from home I tend to do everything I can but on his days off all I want is a little bit of a hand or a break. But most of the time he breaks the routine when he feels like it because he is too tired or he has to go play online with his mates. I dont say anything just to save the arguments. He thinks I shouldn't tell him what to do and I told him I am not your mother I am your partner and we need to work together. And by the way I have tried the walking away and not saying anything he just keeps coming at me until I say something. I even suggest that we take 10 mins to cool down but he still goes OFF or I have no chance in saying it. So now I always just walk away and dont say anything sometimes for days because I feel FEAR!!!
About the mood swings they happen all the time sometimes I dont know what mood he is in and if what ever I say he is just going to go OFF at.
A year ago we where in a bad stage and his nurses and doctors and psychiatrist where all involved. He told them that he didnt want to loose me and that he didnt mean the things he said. His parents even flew over because I was at that point off about to walk out on him. But I stayed because I still love this guy.
But I just dont know how long I can keep doing this. Especially if he is not willing to listen to what I have to say and not care about what I have to say because that is his current attitude towards me right now. He doesnt CARE!!!
We have talked about things calmly in the pass but it just comes back again. He ends up apologizing and I am just expected to get over it again.
Its hard I know it is SO hard and MHS are a fkn nightmare. They may have other reasons for reducing it they may have seen symptoms of akathesia and just not say anything...Schizophrenia being OFF meds......maybe they should be the ones sectioned.....you may need to go private.....thankfully medicare covers most of it.
At this point negotiating circumstances with him beyond how to manage hour by hour simply won't be possible. Deal with what comes as it does. Its the disorder any attempt beyond that will be twisted by the psychosis.
If he keeps coming call the police to take him to the hospital
Tbh at this point I greatly doubt he is capable of routine.....maintain that of you and the kids the structure will help maintain any possible level of stability at this point but trying to get him to fit in a round hole atm won't be possible...he is currently a square peg.
Also ask about enrolling him in a program called Partners in Recovery! Its a commonwealth pilot program but I am sure he will qualify for a placement
Oh and when he is like that.....give him a soluble aspirin....read some research gave it a go....it takes the edge off....
Schizophrenia and psychosis have been linked with inflammation....its not a cure but its helped in some hairy situations. Its safer for men to take aspirin regularly than women.
If it is Akathesia an antihistamine available over the counter containing cyproheptadine will relieve it temporarily. But the only real treatment is taking him off the meds....
I dont know exactly what he is on so google these terms to get the full picture of what i am saying rather than me writing an essay of what these complications involve for his treatment and before trying any of these go to drugs.com to check all contraindications (its what we do I am sure you are an old hand at this by now)
If it is frontal lobe seizures or partial seizures the only real treatment is taking him off the meds.....
Its time for a massive med change basically and first step is reducing what he is on and seeing if it helps.
Then it is taking him off entirely and seeing how he copes.
Then it is finding something he wont react that way too which isnt easy.
Although he may also have developed schizoaffective disorder....although it sounds like the mood shifts are too short and rapid for that and more like partial seizures.
Unfortunately it means for a little while you are basically on your own with a fully grown temperamental toddler in the house while they make the changes. Observe. Let them know what you see and how the presentation changes that is what they need from you. We basically hook him up to his PC and leave him to bear cave during these changes because the withdrawals and side effects can be horrendous turning him into a porcupine. If you feel you need help and his family can help, call in reinforcements.
Partners in recovery and mind or even his team can refer the kids to COPMI
Children of parents with mental illness.
My 14 yo occasionally goes horse back riding, camps and does cooking courses and various other activities, she likes to take on responsibility of everyone including her sisters whether welcome or not. So Mind, partners in recovery and mental illness fellowship like to send her on pretty much every program they can fund/access for her. It hasn't cost us anything and it gives her a break and a chance to make friends.
They may be able to organise some respite for the kids or even for you. Depending on how things go and how he copes and just what it is you are dealing with an how well he tolerates future treatments he could well wind up on disability and you as his carer in which case partners in recovery can organise respite for you.
I've been sent on weekend retreats into the mountains, courses on mental health first aid, peer support facilitation courses, all with accomodation meals beverages and basically an attached vacation provided. Most of it has been funded by them.
I am quite literally a fulltime mental health carer (not just to him) and international mental health advocate and networker and have been since 2008. Andy Behrman is an interesting one......
The more his behaviour is enabled the more he will want to maintain the status quo and not take responsibility for himself. Blaming mental illness is a cop out, it's a behaviour that isn't changed simply because we do what we know and no-one goes out of their way to "know" better without being forced to.
http://www.theimperfectmum.com.au/question/loving-someone-acute-mental-i...
https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0
Good one
The story of the father is interesting "They would rather I died on my horse than ever showed vulnerability" no one is more critical of men than their women. Even if it wasn't a reduction just changing the dose in any amount will make things quite shakey for anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. The symptoms will make it hard to speak with him, I know it's hard, my garden is an overgrown forest and they have turned my back room into a box room no one can move through. But we are all doing ok in spite of the bumps, the house hasnt burned down, the car is still running, I have my own stress contributing and baggage with court hearings next week against my first husband and bills to pay. I need to cut myself a bit of slack to make sure I'm capable of getting through my stuff, if I can do that for me, I can let him soften the edges when things are a bit prickly for him.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/04/24/lies-damn-lies-and-stat...
I can totally understand where she comes from and I wish I could tell her that it is increased due to the environment she grows up in. but the truth is it isn't. they know this due to the children whose fathers have schizophrenia who didn't grow up in that environment and were instead raised by mothers without mental illness who had removed them from the home.
you can agree with me or not agree with me. but I am going to tell you what I know.
I was the parentalised children of a mother with acute mental illness.
She was hospitalised for the better part of 10 years although she came home most weeks it was only long enough to attempt to suicide again the moment anyone blinked.
I wouldn't wish my child hood on my worst enemy.
but it taught me a hell of alot. and it taught me compassion, and it taught me that Mental Illness is not insurmountable and that recovery is possible. That the people who are mentally ill are still people screaming for help from the inside. they need love. As much as they hate themselves and Scream and run they need love.
my Father is one of the most amazing men on earth. because no matter how many times she kicked him out to live at the single mens quarter's or screamed at him and pushed him away in 30 years He NEVER gave up on her. he could see through ALL of it the rage the hurt the self loathing the frustration the determination to die and he could see she needed to be loved even if loving anyone was entirely beyond her capabilities at that point in time.
These are stories and articles about women. but the story is the same for men. the difference is in our society they are never allowed to show that they are hurting or that they are vulnerable they aren't allowed to ask for help and scream with frustration and fear.
by living with a parent with mental illness you become familiar with visually identify and recognising early signs of mental illness. even while not the patient you learn how to use and apply things like mindfulness and CBT. and you learn how to be kind to yourself. you learn compassion and empathy. you learn that even the mentally ill are people, and they are really hurt.
and the MOST IMPORTANT thing you learn as the child of a person with a mental illness, is that if heaven forbid one day it does arrive for you. you know it is an illness, it is treatable, it is manageable, recovery is possible, you are still a person, you are still worthy of Love, you know mental illness does not make you less of a person, it does not devalue you, you are strong and you know how strong you really can be.
You can only take so much of someone putting you down, even if they do have a mental illness. There is no excuse for using a partner as a verbal or physical punching bag.
Maybe you need to take a break from the relationship and figure out what you want - is this relationship worth compromising your own (and children) mental health?
Thank You everyone for all your messages.
I really am at that point that I have tried everything. I love this man I do everthing for him I have shown him how much I love him from the scrafeces I have made to be with him. But I can't keeping living in a life like this I cant keep pretending that everything is ok when its NOT. I am in fear of mine and my childrens mental health aswell.
I dont want to give up on this realtionship but I just dont know what to do from here. I just want to move forward and have a brighter future. I dont want me and my kids to walk around feeling frightened.
Mind can refer him to services which can place him temporarily in supported accomodation while he goes through the adjustments it could take as long as 18 months.
All the replies on facebook think he is stable and just being difficult none of them realise the mental health team have reduced all his meds.
Hope you got the answers you want and can live with this, portraying a sick man as perfectly well so they would bash him and just perpetuate false stereotypes.