Hi, looking for advice as I am really unsure on our future. I am 36 years old and recently found out that I am pregnant with baby number 7. Here is a brief explanation on why I am torn and seeking advice. I am not really sure I want to have this baby, but at the same time I'm not sure I could live with the guilt if I chose to go the other way. I was a teen mum, my oldest is now 20 years old and my youngest is now 13 years old. They are all to my husband, we beat the odds and made it as a couple. I had tubal ligation (rings) done 6 mths after my youngest as we were 100% sure we were done. So this has blown us right out of the water. The Doctor has confirmed via Ultra Sound that their is a baby and that it is in the correct location. Not ectopic as what they were concerned with and that one of the Rings had moved. Please I understand that not every person agree's with termination, but I am really struggling to come to terms with this and am seeking advice. We as a couple have had a rough ride to make it where we are today and we were actually looking forward to our children to be grown and to have time for "us". I know how selfish it sounds but I'm not sure I can go back and start again.
26 Replies
I don't think you sound selfish. I have never terminated and also think I would be very torn like you if I was faced with this situation. I think the best bet is to have some councilling. Talk it over and make sure you are 100% comfortable with the path you choose. Wishing you all the best xxx
You have 6 babies all about to leave home in next few years..
I think counseling would help alot, maybe with fertility des counselors as they have a better understanding of these sort of things.
as you said it was a massive shock.
its hard for me to get pregnant so I find it hard to support abortion, in saying that I support it when its the best thing for everyone and when the pregnancy has tried to be prevented and not prevented by abortion as such.
I think counseling will help. Xxoo hope you are ok either way.
I agree with the other poster. Go talk to someone with an unbiased opinion such as a counsellor. You aren't being selfish, you took the steps to safe guard against future pregnancy and it has failed. Guilt will be normal no matter what choice you make. Get the support you need and you will know the right choice
Your not being selfish. But it's a big decision. I agree you need to see a councilor and lots of talking with hubby to work out what you both want to do and can live with.
good luck!
definitely seek counselling, as a mum to 5 i kinda know what you're going through (our last 2 weren't planned) when i fell pregnant with #5 it was very hard on me to make the decision of whether or not to go through with the pregnancy as i have a lot of health issues and i have also terminated when i was younger (due to a marriage that was not good) you do live with guilt when you have a termination but also you have to decide what's right for you and your family. Starting all over again is a big decision when you have older children. I am not saying you should do termination or go through with the pregnancy but either way it's a big emotional roller coaster ride. Good luck!
Personally, I think it's easier to live with the guilt of terminating, than what it would be dealing with another baby for a lifetime. You already have a gorgeous family, and you made your decision to get your tubes tied. I think that speaks for itself. Please remember the positives in your life, and enjoy those every day. This baby will still have a special place in your heart. Still loved and not forgotten. But the timing isn't right. Good luck with your decision. No one can judge you for it, no one walks in your shoes. You have valid reasons for not continuing the pregnancy, it is not something you want to happen. You deal with it the best you can. Make the most of what you have each day.
Contact the Sexual Heath department of your local hospital. They have an 'options nurse' who can talk through all options with you. If you decide to terminate, they will give you all instructions for Dr Referrals. Depending on how many weeks you are, there is medical terminations (up to 9weeks max) or surgical (after 7weeks). They can also cover all costs if you decide to go surgical. The surgical procedure is very simple and no pain at all.
Regardless of your decision, please have hubby get a vasectomy now. Just make sure you both can live with the decision. Counselling for you both would be a good idea. I'm sure you get Medicare to cover it if it's Dr recommended.
I have been through a similar situation and although I found it the most difficult decision of my life, we decided to terminate the pregnancy. it was tough and I can tell from your post your not taking it lightly. May be speaking to a councillor will help before you make a decision (there are some great free counselling phone lines available), where does your partner stand? No one can has the right to judge till they walk in your shoes. Sending you love and support
I'm so sorry for you that your in this situation and can fully understand the questioning as to what to do now given you did try and prevent a unwanted pregncy.
However Guilt can you live with it and it's friends depression, sadness, loss, despair, shame, blame and unforgivness ect ect ? .... That might never leave your life after the abortion ? A baby on the other hand ( and I totally agree with you would be a huge ajustment and extremely hard at times ) will bring along with it all the 1'st again. The first time you hold you baby, the first smile, the first I love you mummy and not forgetting the first Thankyou mummy .... This baby is already ! Were there is life there is hope ! Xx
As someone who has had a termination I would say think strongly about it. I had a surgical abortion three years ago. It was for the right reasons and I know that within my heart. I was messed up and felt guilty afterwards that I didn't give the baby a chance but I knew I still did it in the best interests of the unborn child and myself.
I think if you and your partner are 100% committed to either decision then it won't feel bad forever.
It is normal to grieve the loss, I don't regret it. But I don't think I could do it again.
My sister had a medical abortion taking the pill and she had to birth the 6 wk old embryo/fetus. It would have been traumatic.
I would recommend surgical abortion if that's the way you are thinking. You have a twilight anaesthetic and you don't remember anything.
I live in cairns and flew to Brisbane to go to Marie stopes clinic as recommended by children by choice.
Hope that helps.
Goodluck and big hugs.
I have just had my 4th baby with an 8 year age gap... We had the same dilemma! Now that she is here, I can't imagine our lives without her! I knew that if we terminated I would drive myself crazy with wondering sex, who of the other kids it looked like, hair/eye colour etc.. I wouldn't change it for the world!!
Having said that, termination is not selfish.. quite the opposite.. You are selflessly considering the options that are available to do the right thing by your whole family! Try to still your mind from having a million thoughts racing.. The right answer for you and your family will come to you, if you let it.. Don't let other peoples judgement influence your decision.. You know your family best!
I have been through similar with having a seventh child after a difficult 6th pregnancy and birth, but I chose life and never regretted it. I have a beautifully talented son. Imagine what I would have missed. I think if I had chosen abortion I wouldn't have peace of mind like I did after choosing life. God bless and I will say a prayer for you.
Please, don't kill your baby. Everything happens for reason - this baby will bring you much joy. If you can't go through with it again - then maybe a family member would like to foster your child (called "Relative Care" rather than foster care) or the extreme is to put your child up for adoption...
But surely your other children will want you to keep their sibling. They all sound old enough to give you a good hand too! I am 35yo and just had my 4th baby in December. My 6yo (oldest) and 4yo love to help me with their baby brother. Don't rob your 13yo of their new little sibling!
You are a pro-mum! (Super mum of 6!) You will be able to raise this bub with ease... and you have older children who can babysit so you and Dad can have time together! If they want happy parents, they will help out - surely! My kids would for us!
36yo is very young to be retiring from parenting! I know you started early, but this child is here and you will regret killing your child, your kids brother/sister, your parents grandchild, your siblings neice/nephew...
Aborting your child will not erase their existence - it will only give you one less child in your life because you are already a mum of 7 - #7 is just somewhere very safe right now as he/she is growing :) You will never forget them and you will always wonder 'What if..." And when the reality of the abortion hits you - you and your family will grieve immensely for your loss.
I hear your concern for you and your husband's relationship... I go through similar struggles with my own hubby would I have probably been with as long as you (we started dating at 17, and will be celebrate our 18th year together this year - 10 years married). We've almost split so many times - he even had an emotional affair with someone online just 2 years ago because the love in our relationship had died... but we worked through it (still working through it!) but we have finally realised after many fights and near separations that we are both in it for the long haul... that we want our family together, and that our history together is so precious. Our passion for each other has also returned to our relationship (thus bubba #4 :) and we both crave to have alone time together right now (it's hard to find a sitter for a newborn, 2, 4 & 6 yo - but we know it's coming and make the most of the little times we get through the day or night for a coffee or snuggle while we watch TV.
I know how crazy life with lots of kids can be (my goodness! must be crazier with 6!) but I do know that one kid is so easy! Please re-consider.
Choose life for your baby! And if you really can't go through parenting again - please find a carer for your child! Ideally in your family so your kids can still see their sibling! Please don't end their life! They are here already... just growing and so looking forward to meeting you!
are you for real?
I know this isn't the popular response, or the politically correct one, but any way you look at it if you don't believe in abortion, you aren't going to be able to make yourself okay with it. It is absolutely not your fault (I'd be devastated too), but you'll be just as unhappy living with grief if those are the feelings you are already having. It is long-term grief for a lot of women, even though they are made to feel silly or guilty for feeling it.
We are the same age, our eldest is the same age, and we have the same amount of kids (weird huh!?) but our youngest is still a baby, and it wasn't starting again for us because they were spread out (older kids love to babysit, so that makes things easier).
Have you thought about open adoption? You would get a lot more time to make a final decision, your child would be raised by a couple that desperately wanted a child and probably waited many years to adopt, so they both win, you two, and your children, would still get to have a close relationship with them as they grow up, but you still get to move on with your life. It would make everyone involved happy. If you don't think you could give up primary care, then that tells you how abortion might affect you emotionally.
You have done nothing wrong, just take your time, explore your feelings, write them down.
You'll be okay as long as you think everything through, and allow yourself to feel everything from resentment to fear to love, without trying to shut yourself down. Then you can be comfortable with whatever you decide.
Think of the new human being growing inside you. At 12 weeks he or she will be perfectly formed and ready to grow. Life is precious. I am not overly religious, but I believe things happen for a reason. You have been given a gift despite the odds. Love this baby as it is a part of you whether you terminate or not.
Of course you are confused about having another baby unexpectedly after such a long gap. Feelings come and go but one thing is sure. If you choose a termination for this baby you may never get over it emotionally. The recent death of Charlotte Dawson brought home the terrible tragic legacy of abortion that no one likes to talk about. Depression and grief are real, and so many women never recover.
It's a hard fact to grasp, but this is your baby and maybe it has a purpose in this life? Maybe it will be a greater joy than you can ever imagine, maybe your older children will be delighted and excited to welcome a little one into your family? Maybe this baby will further strengthen your marriage and cement a firm foundation for your grandchildren in the future?
This baby is a unique individual with a personality like your other children have, each one so different and yet undoubtedly your babies.
I had my last baby aged 38. My older children were 13, 11 and 9. Yes, a long break. You know what? I enjoyed that baby the most. I didn't have toddlers creating havoc while I fed, I had the confidence that only age and experience can give, I was more relaxed and happier than I had ever been.
You know the time you are looking forward to, the time for "us"? With any luck at all it is filled with grandchildren and your adult children's dramas and ups and downs and it is not really some romantic fantasy, it is just real life with your real adult family.
This baby did not ask to be created, but he/she has been, and surely that is a wonderful miraculous achievement in the circumstances. Maybe their whole life will be extra special? Please choose life.
Dear amazing mother that you are!
Thank you for allowing others to share with you at this time.
It seems like yesterday I was feeling astounded by the news we were pregnant with our 5th child and I wondered how I could possibly have the strength and ability to cope with 5!
That was almost 3 years ago and our little boy is such a precious gift to our family. My other children are begging for more, but my husband has had a vasectomy. At the time I remember feeling guilty for even hoping something might happen to the baby and it might be a natural process.
I would encourage you to speak to your other children and ask them for help. The benefit of a large family is that there are many hands around to share in the work.
If you do seek counselling, which is also a good option, be very careful of the place you seek counselling.
Dear mother, holding that precious baby will be a joy to your whole family. You are at a crossroads. May you be blessed with abundant wisdom!
I know of a family who fell pregnant after their tubes were tied & they successfully sued for compensation... You've already said you're not comfortable with termination & good on you! Sometimes things happen for a reason :)
If you're pregnant, you're already a Mum to that Precious Child. Please don't murder him or her. Be a Mum to him or her, or be a murderer. Those are your only two choices. Selfishness does not justify murder.
murderer? really? what century are you in? omg!
She is aborting a fetus NOT becoming a murderer! That "child" is a fetus, with no thought, no feelings, an empty shell.Yes if given the opportunity it will flourish into a beautiful child but right now its a fetus and that IS NOT murder. She already is a mum and if she aborts that does NOT change that. Its not a question of being a murderer or not its a question of what quality of life is each decision going to bring each person in the equation. Only this woman and her husband know the answer to that question not some pro-life murder spouting twat!
She is aborting a fetus NOT becoming a murderer! That "child" is a fetus, with no thought, no feelings, an empty shell.Yes if given the opportunity it will flourish into a beautiful child but right now its a fetus and that IS NOT murder. She already is a mum and if she aborts that does NOT change that. Its not a question of being a murderer or not its a question of what quality of life is each decision going to bring each person in the equation. Only this woman and her husband know the answer to that question not some pro-life murder spouting twat!
If you are unsure whether abortion is for you, than don't go down that path. There is a fantastic book called Giving Sorrow Words, which has real stories from women who have gone through with an abortion when they weren't sure about it. The pain and anguish and grief some of these women describe is awful. The problem with abortion is that it is final - once it's done, you can't change it and go back. Continuing the pregnancy means a change of life, but I don't think a woman has ever regretted having a child like she has regretted her abortion.
That book is an absolute gift to anyone in this position! I am so glad I read it!
Dont be troubled, how brave to be so honest!
And you are right about the trauma women experience after an abortion, it's usually as a result of guilt and regret for the intention behind the procedure. When you hold your son or daughter in your arms soon, you will forget everything else thus far. Good luck