My 3.5 year old son was the first born grandchild so as you can imagine he was the apple of the grandparents eyes. We live literally around the corner from my parents. Ever since my sons arrival it has been very clear that my mother sees him as her son not grandson (even after the arrival of three more grabdchildren). This has been discussed with her numerous times by which she backs off then comes back again. The last major issue resulted in her seeing a GP and getting a referral to a psychologist.
This morning my parents invited themselves over for morning tea. My son was in fine form this morning drawing on walls, smacking his little sister (leaving handprints) and being a general bully. He took a book off his sister and was asked to return it. He was given ample take up time and when he refused I took the book and gave him a smack on the bottom. As I walked away he called me a 'bloody lady'. Swearing is something that we have zero tolerance for as he has developed quite the potty mouth of late. For swearing he got another smack. While I am not a fan of smacking it has been resorted to as all other forms of punishment simply do not work with him.
At this point my mother stood up and said she can't stand to watch me hurting him and she left. She was reminded before she left that she is not the parent and growing up she use to do far worse then smack us. She left. Dad went too but said he needs to learn (so agreeing with me).
Since arriving home I have received a nasty message from my mother telling me that she can't wait for him to get older so he can tell on me and that she would not come to my house if I was going to smack him.
What would you do? How would you handle your mother?
NB. When I say I smacked him. It was a smack to his clothed bottom (he's dressed). It was not done in anger. It wasn't done using unreasonable force.
7 Replies
I know i would want to attack and compare her parenting and tell her where to stick it. But my cool headed advice is to remind her that you are the parent and if she doesnt like your parenting she is free to leave and you don't want or appreciate her negative input at all.
Draw the line nice and firmly.
Tell her you are sorry she feels that way, but he is your son and although you would love an ongoing relationship with her, if she can't cope with you parenting your child in a normal, legal way then it is probably best she stays away for now. That when she gets a handle on her feelings she will be welcome with open, loving arms.
For you, source assistance. There are many types of discipline and while many haven't worked it doesn't really sound like smacking is doing it for you either. Whether it's a parenting course (no they are not for deadbeat parents, they really have some great advice), a pediatrician, a support group for mums of kids of the same age dealing with the same shit - do it for you. For your mum, reply back that you're sorry she feels that way but she is well within her rights to not come to your house just as you are well within your rights to parent your child within the limits of the law. Seriously? Like she's going to not come over and see her grandson! It's a bastard of an age sometimes, quasi-independent little horrors pushing your buttons... Just remember to pick your battles.
I can see your mum may have some mental health issues going on ( with psycholgist etc) but it is sorta nice she feels empathy for your son and she loves him.
No one likes to see a child be smacked. Its awkward and upsetting.
To keep the peace could you just refrain from smacking when they are over? Use other methods of discipline when they are over.
Theres nothing wrong with compromise in order for the family to get along
Tell her fine, fuck off?
Do it nicely though.
I'd say it just like that to be honest!
I would tell her that's fine, don't visit MY son ever again until you realize that I'm the parent and we don't need your judgement here. She is trying to control a situation she can't control and it's pissing her off. Just tell her she isn't invited over until she realizes she needs to back off