We have just welcomed our 2ndboy to the world. Our first is 4 and loves our littlest very much. Mr 4's behavior toward me, however, has been incredible - lying, hitting, defying or flat out ignoring every request (eg sit up for dinner, hop in the car etc etc). I always speak to Mr 4 respectfully, as I'd like to be spoken to and avoid raising my voice as much as possible. I understand that this is all attention seeking behavior and will pass with time. I've tried to spend 1-on-1 time with him,sit and talk with him about how he's feeling and make sure I'm playing with him when I'm not feeding (etc...) perhaps this is actually encouraging the behavior?
What I'd love to know is how others have dealt with these sorts of changes to the family dynamics? What have you found to work?
I really want to try and keep my patience in tact but I'm getting very close to loosing my s@$t with him and I know how unfair that is!
Dealing with a 4yo's behavior after NB arrival?
Dealing with a 4yo's behavior after NB arrival?
Posted in:
Baby & Toddler, Kids
5 Replies
Talking respectfully with your 4 year old may be confusing him or sending mixed messages. Try being firm, clear and non-negotiable (and by this I mean tough-don't give in, say it once.) As an Early Intervention Teacher (Teaching 2-7 year olds) Children as young as your son NEED YOU to show them when you are disappointed with them ( facial expressions, firm voice, etc) They don't have the ability to appreciate when you are being respectful and behave accordingly, all he is taking from that...is a clear 'pass' to continue his behaviour. Praise and reward every little GOOD thing you see him do, (helping with his baby brother, picking up toys, sitting quietly while you are feeding, etc). "Wow, I really LOVE how you are sitting so quietly while I feed your baby brother, you are the best big brother in the world," etc. And firmly address the negative behaviour.
I didn't post the question but have a 4yr old who does similar. Also have a 16 month starting to do the same. Do you think that would work on the 16 month old too? Or would it be too 'hard' on him?
Absolutely. Children learn very quickly what's acceptable and what's not, if you are clear and consistent. Don't change your approach. Sure, they are going to make mistakes and loose control, however if you are enthusiastic when they are doing what YOU want them to do, they learn very quickly that the negative choices arnt as rewarding as the positive ones. I have never met a child I couldn't control using this approach. It works, but you have to address the negative behaviour too, I often use the phrase: "oh dear!" When they are making poor choices, paired with a firm, confident tone...it's all about your tone. Use varied inntonations in your voice to represent your emotions. Oh ..and LESS language is ALWAYS better! Good luck.
I had this! My daughter HATED me for having a baby, though she was fine with the baby.
I saw a naturopath who treated her, I took her off preservative 282 and experimented with other diets.
The naturopath said it was her not me, that I was a very natural Mum.
I wasn't coping with her, we moved during this time and then my marriage broke down.
It wasn't until about a year later, she was about 4? and I got a deadbeat boyfriend who looked after the baby who was 12 months by then, and I took miss middle with me while I dropped homecare books. The one on one turned her around, and she is now 12 and the most amazing beautiful girl.
I remember I couldn't even give her what she asked for. EG Shoes. "Help me!" so I'd go to help, and she would pull away and scream "nooo don't touch me" So I'd put the shoes down, 'Nooo HELP ME!"
Toilet training, she would be clean for everyone but me. She could go a whole weekend day and night at nana's, but not for me and one day refused after messing her pants to come let me clean her up. So I put her to bed for her nap in her dirty knickers and she was screaming that she wanted to go to the toilet and clean up. I said, no, you had your chance, go to sleep. I let her scream for what felt like ages, but it was in reality probably about 5 min, then asked if she would let me clean her without fighting with me, and she said yes. And she did, I was able to clean her up and put her back for her nap and she was fully toilet trained after that for me day and night. Still fought me with everything else.
But for us it was one on one time. But her love language is quality time. The one on one might not be working for you, because you may be talking to your son in the wrong love language.
So I know I've been verbose, but my advise is to be clear with discipline the bad behaviour and praise any good like Sarah says, and also work out what his love language is and reassure him in HIS love language that you still love him very much.
There will be an answer, persevere til you find it because it's worth it.
My 6 year old son was like this when my 2nd son arrived. It's very difficult at the time but there is hope! Now my youngest is 6 months old, my 6 year old has improved immensely. I think it's their way of coping with the big change. They have been the only one for so long and all of a sudden their attention is split. They often find that they get more attention for playing up and so they do that. Hang in there, it does settle down xx