Ok long story short....
I slept with my ex who I have a child with. The thing is he has a new girlfriend of 4/5 months. ( yes I know, biggest mistake of my life, I can now see he's a lying, manipulative narcissist more then ever)
He also cheated on me when we were together and he didn't tell me for over a year and I only found out from a friend.
I am very great full that this friend told me.
I have told him he needs to tell his new girlfriend or I will. I know he won't because that's the type of coward he is..
My question is do I tell her?
She has a right to know, doesn't she?
My child is getting close to her and her child so isn't it better if she knows now what he's like? What he's been doing?
Before they get serious.
I want to tell her because I know what it's like to be lied to about it. To base your life decisions believing he's a good person.
These things ALWAYS have a way of coming out. Isn't it better to hear it now?
Or do I let it run its corse, I know he lies to her, I've caught him out a few times.
Maybe she will realise he's no good on her own?
7 Replies
I think that although she has a right to know in theory I think you need to preserve a working relationship with your child's father first and for most. Telling her won't help your co-parenting. It will most likely bond him and the new GF together more as you become the ex who is trying to break them up by lying versus someone who genuinely wants to do the right thing.
Disengage from the drama, concentrate on co-parenting.
Well you've given him warning so he's already laying the groundwork with her, setting you up as the crazy ex who wants him back and makes these accusations.
So be prepared. Hopefully you have proof. But yes, I will always seem say she deserves to be told. Tell her once, clearly, directly to her, then leave it
Chances are if you tell her she won't believe you and will just think you are trying to cause trouble. If he's that type of person he will have her convinced that everyone else is lying but him.
I've been in the situation myself when I was younger (no kids involved), I decided to tell her because he wouldn't and all I got was abuse from her and she didn't believe me and just accused me of trying to break them up. She knew how he'd treated me and that he'd cheated on me but he had her convinced that she was better than me and wouldn't do it to her. She figured him out eventually but it was a year or so later. She won't thank you for it.
Best you stay out of it I think and try and keep the peace for the children's sake. He will come undone eventually.
She won't thank you but him being a jerk or her possibly being upset shouldn't stop you trying. This is how these jerks totally get away with conning good women. Nobody says anything. She will store it in her mind and it will be a piece in the puzzle when she puts it all together.
Yes your right. I do think she deserves to know I just don't think she should be the one to tell her is what I meant. I should have added that. If it came from someone who wasn't directly involved she is more likely to believe it and not see it as a jealous ex trying to interfere in her relationship.
I thanked the person who told me my ex was cheating. I saw her in public a week after she sent me a message. She stood up and put her hands up, expecting to be hit. I thanked her, and ended up having lunch with her.
She helped give me the kick I needed to leave a horrid relationship, and I'm grateful for that.
She might be pissed off at first, but she'll be grateful for it one day.
I do think she definitely should know but I don't think it should come from you. As others has said it's likely he has made you out to be a jealous crazy ex and that you are just trying to cause trouble. If you tell her she will most likely not believe you and just lash out at you. If she does believe you then she will still probably lash out at you and be angry and who could blame her. How would you have felt when this guy cheated on you and the woman he did it with told you? how would have reacted?
You also have a child with this guy so you will have to have him in your life forever, I would be doing my best to keep the peace for the child's sake.
I think she should be told but by someone she trusts and who she would want to comfort her.
I've been cheated on and I was told by the woman who he cheated with and quiet frankly all I wanted to do was rip her head off and take all my anger out on her, it was a massive kick in the guts and I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I'm glad I found out but that fact that it came from her just made it that much more humiliating. I would have much rather it come from a friend or family member who I knew genuinely cared for me.
It's a shitty situation, most of us have been fooled my men like him, don't be too hard on yourself just be thankful that you've worked him out and you won't be fooled again.