Hi everyone, I really need some advice. My son's been spending time with his dad without me for about 3 years. He's now 4. But lately he hasn't wanted me to leave at pick up so we agreed for his comfort to all hang out together. But now he says he doesn't want to see daddy at all. I know his dad will be wanting to take him alone again but here's our son not wanting to go at all. How do I help him bond with his dad? I thought it was going really well and he always enjoys seeing his dad but lately he seems to recoil. I think we did the wrong thing when he was little. When they first started having days together he didn't want me to go and screamed alot. Then he developed a fear everytime he saw his dad that it meant no mum. I had just had enough and was going to suggest going back to me staying when our son suddenly calmed down and seemed ok to go. But he still seemed abit worried about me leaving. Now I'm afraid it was the wrong thing for their relationship. I don't want his dad to be sad and upset about it. I think it already gets to him. What should we do?
4 Replies
I don't know if this would be helpful.
I haven't been in your situation, but I have been in your sons situation. When I was 4 or 5 we use to go to access with my dad every second weekend. He worked all weekend and we were looked after by babysitters, I hated it. I would cry, scream and throw tantrums when mum would drop us off. I remember them well.
Things got better as I got older (around 6 or 7) as I could understand what was happening and why more.
But, if this didn't happen, then I wouldn't know my dad. He ended up moving away when I was a teenager and we only saw him once a year for 15 years, and he has only moved back to us recently as he retired. My relationship is strained, and I feel like we have nothing in common. But when we chat, we reminisce about things we did when I was little. And I would take that over not having any memories any day.
Any relationship is better than no relationship at all, he is young, he doesn't fully understand, but he will. And if he doesn't get put through it, he will never learn.
Also. Something I have only realized recently. My mum had no life because of us kids. its a full time job. Our time with our father was the only time that she had to herself. Without it, she wouldn't have coped. As hard as it was for her to see us go kicking and screaming, she knew that 1. we were loved. 2. she could spend some time on herself so she could be the best mum in the world. And she is.
Hugs and kisses to you xxx
What would you do or think if he said he didn't want to go to grandmas or to school? Would you think he'd been damaged?
Kids go through phases. Listen to him but he needs to go to dads.
I was told that if a child isn't adjusting to daycare, its best to add a day instead of remove one.
Try putting the same idea into place here.
You staying at these visits is a step back. Allow the father to have more time, without you present, to see if that will help him adjust.
Yes. I've been there. It's so goddam hard.
I persisted. It's important to keep with the routine. Perhaps give something that is quite precious of yours to him to look after while you're gone. I did that so my son knew I was definitely coming back (like what could be more precious than him?!?!). But kids don't think like that.
Just be firm and insistent. It does get easier.