I've tried writing this question many times but I always get halfway thru and stop myself I think in fear of my anonymous question being obvious it was me asking.
Please I need advice from people who don't know me, who aren't emotionally invested.
I'm a single mum to my beautiful 3.5 year old daughter. I met her father online and it wasn't anything serious but when I told him I was pregnant he said he was having problems with his Canadian visa but would support me whatever I decided. I didn't see him again for my entire pregnancy, he stopped replying or answering his phone until I was 6 months pregnant when he told me that he had gone back to Canada. He said he was so sorry and wished he could be with us and he thought of us all the time.
When my girl was 4 weeks old he said he was actually in Australia and never left, but things were complicated. He visited us a few times then vanished again.
About a year ago he came back into our life and said he had been interstate but wanted to know his girl.
We got close again also and started talking about trying for a future one day. We spoke everyday, were affectionate and sometimes intimate. But he wasn't very consistent with seeing his girl and always had excuses.
Not so long ago I found out he was married and had a family, but somehow none of his family or friends knew about them, but everyone knew about us, if his family couldn't get a hold of him they would contact me to pass it along. He told me his life was none of my business and things aren't working with his wife and he didn't want anymore children, but his wife did so it happened.
We've been fighting a fair bit after I found out more lies, and I've told him that I don't want to lie to my daughter and pretend that she doesn't have siblings. He says that it's his life and nothing do with me and if I didn't butt my nose in i wouldn't find out things I didn't like, and my daughter doesn't need to know that she has siblings! He's come out and told me that our closeness was only to keep me off his back, that our intimacy didn't really happen and cant be counted.
Every time I've gotten the courage up to tell him I'm unhappy with his parenting or lack of, or his lying, I get shot down and it ends in huge hurtful fights and I question myself if I'm being selfish and unreasonable towards him. He has an excuse for everything and a reason why noting is his fault, that I expect to much from him and I'm just taking his daughter away from him because I'm mad at him. I just don't know what to do, hidden siblings and families are a huge deal for me, and essentially he doesn't want his family or my daughter to know of his secret life which means I'm also lying to cover up his choices.
** edit to clarify:
I know my daughter most likely won't meet her siblings and that's not what I'm pushing, I just really believe that my girl has a right to know that she has siblings at least!
I've met his family and friends in person and none of them know about his wife or children, I have no idea how?!
His children with his wife are younger than my daughter as well.
Sorry I realise this a very bizarre situation, I can't even understand it.
15 Replies
It sounds like you're still dealing with this (shit of a) man?
He's a narcissist. Look that up and know that he's playing you. He's a monster wearing a mask. Every word is a lie. Every thing has a payoff for him. Despite what he says or tries to do, There is no care for the welfare of you or his own daughter. You dont destroy your worst enemy like he's doing to you both.
I have been there. It takes time to really realise the depth he's sunk to, and the soulless monster that a human can be. I never knew a human could do it before I was stung. It was really hard to try to understand and wonder why, and why me and why you're own daughter, and why not just leave him alone rather than do this? And don't you dare say you care about me.
There's so much to it.
It's without doubt the worst thing I've ever been through. But I got through. I'm out the other side. I'm healthy, I'm happy. It's still very hard to think about what happened to me and all the ways it affects my life and interaction with the world now. But I don't think about him or trying to understand him anymore, or trying to trust him, trying to help him, trying to make relationships work with his family and friends. Nope. Distance is what you need right now.
Batten down, tell him to fuck right off you can't trust a thing he says anyway he needs to go while you get a psychologist and do some serious focusing on yourself.
Get strong lady. You'll probably see a lot of clues along the way that you ignored or let slide, it will help you for next time.
Forget his family, your daughter doesn't need anything but YOU.
Focus on yourself and take it step by step literally putting yourself back together.
I've also been through exact same. My daughter bio father is a narcissistic and everything that was said above I could have written. I took me 5 years to fully understand.
Stop contact and protect your daughter from him.
Forget about him.
If he wants to parent, let him step up and make the decision.
Do not push for him to have a relationship with her.
Even at such a young age, your daughter will be able to pick up on the fact that he doesn't want her.
Do not contact him again unless you absolutely have to.
You won't be keeping your daughter from him. That's his decision. It's a full time father, or no father at all. Being in and out of her life will just hurt her.
Stop doing what he wants, and start doing what is best for you and your daughter.
Have you tried contacting his other family so your daughter can know her siblings? Or would that cause more drama than its worth?
I'm assuming they have no clue you exist? But his parents do?
Is he still with this person? It's a bit of a confusing situation, so I apologize if I misunderstood anything.
But no matter what you decide to do from now on, do it for you and your child.
Good luck x
Why would you want to be in contact with this guy????!
Stop contacting him, and stop allowing him easy access to your child.
Stop hoping for a relationship and stop discussing a future. Stop worrying about contact with siblings. You don't get to choose.
If he wants a relationship with the child force him through mediation. Get it formalised by the courts.
Contact child support agency about getting child support payments.
Stop communicating with him, full stop. Make him go through formal channels for everything.
Omg!
I wonder if I'm going to be the only one who feels this way.
Forget about a future with him. He's a fuckwit (scuse my language) but he is. Make him go through the courts if he wants to see her. Otherwise tell him to fuck off. My god. His life is none of your business? It is when there are children involved and siblings. Absolutely I'd want my child to know their siblings!
You can't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. And his family! They have no knowledge of more grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins. Disgusting!
I have to admit I come from a very disjointed family. My mother, aunties and uncles are all part the stolen generation and when you don't know who your family is it impacts on knowing who you are. Trying to find everyone. Not growing up with them. It affects your identity.
Imagine finding out you have siblings YEARS later.
I say fuck him. Contact his family and tell them what's going on. Find this other family and tell them too.
That's just my opinion. I'm sorry about all the swearing - obviously this post hit close to home and my blood is boiling. He needs a big hard kick to his balls!
I am very sorry you're in this position. I hope you find peace and your daughter does too.
I actually think the baby has a right to know its siblings etc, I just think the mum needs to stop focusing on that for the moment and start getting her head straight regarding the father first. Once she has created some distance from him and pushed him through formal/legal channels the rest will probably fall in to place, if the family wants anything to do with the baby.
I think its fine and normal if the baby never knows the others, whether it knows of them or not is up for her consideration, later.
I completely agree that this lady right now needs to get herself together, independently. She needs to cut him off and find herself without him. Then she'll know what she feels is right - not being told what he needs or doing things for or against him, just purely doing what is right for her regardless of him.
Just wondering, you say you speak to his friends.....have you actually met them in real life? Spoken to them on the phone? Or just via sms or email? Etc. Honestly sounds like you've been catfished. Are they even real? Or is it all just him??? If his wife has been around longer than you and his kids are older than yours, then it's you who is the secret. Sounds like he's had an affair (you), gotten you pregnant, and us now hiding it from his family. Step away from this truly toxic man. He is a true narcassist. I would honestly contact his wife and tell her everything. She has a right to know, too. Truly feel for you. Think with your brain. Not with your feelings.
He's probably a narcissist, at least some form of psycho. He would have told different people different lies constantly throughout his life, so that nobody really knows him. He clearly doesn't love this lady. He clearly doesn't love his 'wife' I'd bet there's a whole lot more to the lies if you keep looking, but at some point you really have to realise that you already know enough to know this is something horribly broken, unfixable and beneath you, and move on. Forget about him & his game you'll never understand it because you're human and your brain & heart work differently, just focus on yourself and leaving it all behind you.
This is a no brainer, the guy is full of sh*t. Get rid of him as fast as you can. He can not be trusted!!!!
He tells you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you hanging on.
He is a liar! You will never ever be able to trust him
Just to clarify, I've (the poster) have met his family and friends in person, and have regular contact with them. His children with his wife are younger than my daughter... He's even said that im more of his wife than his wife and he let everyone in his life think that we were an item so that no one knew or even thought he actually had another separate life going on. It's so unnecessarily confusing.
But he told you your intimacy wasnt real either. He's full of it. He doesn't love anybody but himself and you'll kill yourself trying to understand him. You are not his wife, or more than his wife and would that be any kind of honour anyway? That's a life of hurt and more awful surprises waiting for you down that road.
My guess is actually what he's trying to do now is placate you so that you don't ruin his other family and all those other lies he has spinning, he doesn't want you to ruin it all for him.
Op. How do you feel about him? And your future together? Do you feel that counselling could help you at this point?
Cut him out of your life, if he wants to see his daughter, only speak to him to arrange visits etc. This man is toxic and a liar. Wants his cake and eat it too. When your daughter is older, explain things to her. He's not worth tbe drama and heartache he's causing you and eventually your daughter.
Your daughter may be better off not knowing about them. I would build her life around you....not a father and a family that may not be there for her anyway. Put her first.
Your seriously questioning this shit. He has another whole fucking family that no-one knows about & your ok with that?? For fuck sake think of all the kids involved!! Contact his wife tell her about it. She desrvea to be free from this, dump his arse.
Are you sure that he hasn't just told everyone that the broke up?