Umm where to start, ok we just found out my 14 yr old (nearly 15) is pregnant, yes I know she is young, but I just need advice please. I will be fully supportive as she needs me more now than anything but hubby is in shock, I don't know what to do. No negative comments please because I fully know what the situation is, it is what it is.
20 Replies
Firstly,
Take her to a doctor if you haven't already.
Discuss all options.
Speak with the father of the baby and the fathers family. Get it out in the open
You said one of the most important things in your question.
"No negative comments".
You can't change the situation, but you can make it much worse if you and your husband get angry with her.
As above said, take her to talk to a doctor. They can give her information on people to talk to to get advice on what is best for her situation.
Keep in mind that the decision (termination, adoption, or to keep the baby) is completely up to her, even if you disagree with it. She'll need both you and your husbands support with either choice.
(And keeping the baby isn't going to ruin her life, as a lot of people seem to think - one of the best mums I know fell pregnant when she was 14 to a horribly controlling 18 year old. She does everything for her son, and uses him as a motivation to improve her life as best as she can)
Agh sorry, that's so tough! But it happens.
I agree you just have to support her, best way you can.
I was 20 and still at home with my parents when I had my son. So I know I was a lot older than your daughter. But these are some things that worked for us.
Mum and Dad helped me write a list of all the things I'd need as far as belongings to have a baby. Being realistic and focusing on necessities.
They also helped me write a budget for living at home. Because I planned to stay home for up to 6 months after I had the baby (I imagine your daughter will want/need to stay longer).
My parents defended me to anyone who said anything negative, they would not hear a bad word, because I was scared enough anyway! If your daughter is scared that's a good thing, it means she is taking this seriously. If she isn't scared, then you probably have underlying issues going on that need to be sorted.
Just because she is pregnant that doesn't mean she should move in with the father or you should let him move in. I know, some people do this and it sets up a cycle of lots of babies that are being looked after by you.
There are some parenting classes, and prenatal groups designed for young mums. Also have a think about school options. If you can keep her in school her long term options will be much better. So thinking about Childcare, there are some excellent young mum programs in some states that are designed to keep mums in school.
As to when the baby arrives. You need to let her learn from her mistakes while teaching her to parent without taking over! It's a really hard task and I don't envy you being in that position and it's particularly easy to step in and take over when you are in the same house. This is something that my parents did really well. My mum said later there were times when she wanted to step in and take over but she held herself back and I found my feet within a few months like most mums do.
Really well said
Ditto this comment.
Also, im sorry you are dealing with this right now-im sure its a shock and i hope your daughter is doing ok. Goodluck mumma, your baby girl is lucky to have you
Okay Mumma, here goes... I have 3 siblings 2f and 1m... each one of us became a teen parent. I was 15 the first time then 18 another one at 19 then 3 more kids after 20... my sisters were 16 & 18 and my brother was 17.... we came from a difficult family situation where we weren't really parented. However, we have all raised our babies and have happy lives. Although your daughter finding herself pregnant at 14 is not ideal, what in this world is? A baby is never a bad thing even though the timing isn't great. You sound like the type of mum I wish I had at that age! Your husband will come around once the shock has worn off regardless of your daughters decision to keep the baby or not. Support is the main thing right now. Your daughter is going to need plenty of it! There will be friends that shun her and she will probably have a very hard time dealing with this herself. I really feel for you all. Whatever she decides, she just needs you there. After all, your mum is the most important person you need when this happens. GOOD LUCK and 10/10 for being awesome!
Suport and understanding, i was 21 when i found i was first pregnant and at that age i was scared and didnt know what to do i cant imagine how your daughter is feeling. Make sure your daughter knows you will have her back no matter what the outcome.
Oh wow IM, you must be going through some pretty emotional stuff right now. I was 14 when I fell pregnant (just turned 14) my nan is the one who took me to the doctors, she thought I had a bug as I was throwing up all the time. When the doctor asked to speak to me alone I never in a million years thought he was going to say what he did & that's why I said it was fine for my Nanna to stay in the room. I am so glad she did though cos I would never have been able to handle that situation on my own! This sounds silly now but my biggest worry was what my mum & dad would say/do and I was absolutely terrified of their reactions! We got through it though, my nan spoke to the fathers parents & I ended up having an abortion (which they payed half of) my Nanna was my godsend at that time. Please just try not to judge her, keep any disappointments you have to yourself & just be there for her. I'm 29 now, have 3 beautiful children to my husband (whom I met a year after this happened) and my parents/family are extremely proud of me. Goodluck with everything IM, try & keep it together for that beautiful daughter of yours ?
First question is
Is she still with the baby's father?
Is he a good sort? Will he support her and do the right thing?
Get a job? Buy and care for their needs?
I was a 16 yo pregnant girl. Had my first on my 17 the birthday. I'm still with his dad and had 2 more children. As long as she is mature enough. Has family support and her bf does the right thing. Even if he's not around. She can get a job now work up until it's nearly time for but she will have saved enough if still living with you. It's not the end of the world really. It's time to mature and grow.
First question is
Is she still with the baby's father?
Is he a good sort? Will he support her and do the right thing?
Get a job? Buy and care for their needs?
I was a 16 yo pregnant girl. Had my first on my 17 the birthday. I'm still with his dad and had 2 more children. As long as she is mature enough. Has family support and her bf does the right thing. Even if he's not around. She can get a job now work up until it's nearly time for but she will have saved enough if still living with you. It's not the end of the world really. It's time to mature and grow.
And this is why my daughter will be on birth control as soon as she seems like she's hit puberty. Please don't think of this as a negative thing, I just know I wouldn't handle this situation very well at all. I'm glad you're able to keep it together so well.
14 is a scary age, 14 and pregnant scarier still. I had my 1st at 21 and I wasn't ready for him them. You just need to be supportive discuss this with the babies father and his parents and go from there. She will need all the support she can get from everyone. But please make sure you take a step back. Make it known that she chose to have sex and fall pregnant with this baby and it is now her responsibility to be the best possible mum to them. That sleep ins (won't happen) and late nights and no sleep and all the fun stuff she used to do are just about to go down the drain for a while now. And things she never had to worry about she now needs to worry about. Being a parent can be great fun but it's also a massive responsibility. If I could go back in time I would have waited until I was older to do this whole mum thing. I wish you both good luck and I hope all goes well for your daughter and yourself.
I have 3 daughters and a Step Daughter only one is on the pill and it is due to medical reasons as she has PMDD....the eldest is 15 younger is 14 on the pill and youngest is 12....Step daughter is 21 the only one to be sexually active and even without being dragged in to be put on the pill there is no stroller being pushed around.....
have more faith in your children. make sure communication is open and honest that they have a firm education on such issues and responsibilities and that they will bring questions and issues to you, while its fun to joke and all that they will never date....be realistic. none of my girls have had a boyfriend yet. and I mean literally they haven't not even behind my back so much so that their chaplain and welfare officer have mentioned the lack of boyfriends.....
they know they aren't ready and have even defied years of peer pressure because they aren't.......
we need to trust our kids if we ever want them to stand on their own feet.
Since Grade Two very literally every time a boy has asked them out, they have come to me and said Mum may I have a boyfriend? and I would say YES, but these are the rules, and I keep them age relevant with curfew's and who they go where with and when they can go out and being mindful of letting mum know where they are and updating me if they change plans....
and the following day every single time they have gone back to the boy and said thank you you are an awesome friend but I think we can wait til after Uni until dating.
Firstly: you are an awesome Mum. Some would have a complete meltdown at finding out their 14 year old girl was pregnant. You are fabulous! Hubby will come around eventually. He's probably still trying to get his head around his little having sex let alone being pregnant.
Secondly: talk to her school. I work in a high school and it's very important to let the school know. She will miss a bit of school with appointments and things and depending on where you live there might be a school that she can go to for pregnant teens. Not the best time to change schools but teenagers can be nasty and you don't want her subjected to rumours and nastiness at school. That's the last thing she needs at the moment. There may be home school options too which will be good for after the baby is born so she can still finish high school.
Good luck to your daughter. With a mum like you on her side she'll do just fine.
I had my first baby at 15.. I now have 2 & I am working, studying and raising happy, healthy kids. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for the love and support from my parents, even though they weren't thrilled to begin with. I think that's the most important thing, letting her know that you're there to help & she has your support 100%, whether it be attending doctors appointments, helping her with lists of what she will need to have for baby or just general advice. ?
I had my first baby at 15.. I now have 2 & I am working, studying and raising happy, healthy kids. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for the love and support from my parents, even though they weren't thrilled to begin with. I think that's the most important thing, letting her know that you're there to help & she has your support 100%, whether it be attending doctors appointments, helping her with lists of what she will need to have for baby or just general advice. ?
I was 15 and i fell pregnant my mum was so supportive and helpful through it all i chose to not have the baby as in my eyes i was not old enough and the father was not interested as it was just a fool around all i can suggest is communication calmly talk through the options dont push an option more than the others as your daughter needs to make the grown up decision as she has chosen to be a grown up already.. hope all goes well for you all xx
I was 15 when I was pregnant. I had no support from my mum other then send me of to get a termination. She didn't even come with me..it was tough not even having a say but I think it was the right decision for me even if I didn't make it. I now have a beautiful little girl at 27 and I honestly don't know how I would of done it by myself being that young. I think your daughter needs to be told how hard it is, she can't go out, financially and it will be so tough plus even getting a job she will struggle in the future with little work experience and most definitely if she doesn't do school still. I'm an experienced business women and I am having trouble getting back into the work force after just having 2 years of to raise my daughter!
The worst thing you can do is get angry. When my mother in law fell pregnant at 16 her parents kicked her out of home. She put the baby up for adoption and moved to WA. 15yrs later she got married and had 2 sons (one of them is my husband).
She had a very strained relationship with her parents from that point onwards until they both passed away. She has said no matter what her boys did she would never abandon them like her mum.
Depending on the age of the father it could be legal it may not be. but regardless of whether it is or isn't legal I would suggest finding her a counsellor. there may be some around who specialise in support for young mums if you can find one grab one. there will be things she wont want to bring to you and there will be tensions....no mum can get everything spot on......and she will need an ear other than your's and the type of support that can only come from a trained professional in the form of techniques and therapies. equip her now it will make for less of a clean up later when the pressure of it all eventually hits her even with your support.
speak to the father and father's family find out if they will be involved or not or even if you need to contact police. I know in Victoria it is legal for children from twelve DEPENDING on the age of their partner......
I'm just now going through the same thing with my 14 year old (15 in July ) although we still have a wait to have it confirmed
I'm a mess she's adamant that if she is indeed pregnant she wants to keep the baby , I don't think that's such a good idea
How are things with your family going now ?