I've recently left my husband and now understand narcissism in its worst form, I have a 4yo boy and I worry about how to unlearn behaviours and whether or not it is in his genes? Most parenting courses online and face to face seem to work from a 'normal' home point of view, I've escaped an incredibly negative environment with a little boy who has learnt negative attention is the only way to get attention (hitting mostly, screaming, meltdowns over little things like not being the first in line), what strategies could I employ for a discipline process coming from a negative environment...? Thank you from a very imperfect mummy that is trying so hard to build a better more positive environment for a future generation
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It takes time, my children's father was/is a very angry man. He throws things, breaks things, yells and screams mostly he did those things towards me but my children saw it all. It's been 2 years my oldest son knows now that he cannot talk to me like that, he cannot yell at me/scream at me. He will not always be the winner. That he has to treat me with respect no matter what his dad says. It took time and patience. My kids still see their dad for 24 hours a week or one over night video they know that they have to leave their attitude there and if it comes home it's sorted very quickly. You son needs people to model the correct behaviour and when he sees people treating you nicely and being treated nicely in return things should turn around. My son is the sweetest most caring child these days and used to get so angry and frustrated she things didn't go his way I knew it was his fathers influence.
4year olds by definition are pretty narcissistic. Plus with the upheaval and bad modelling from dad that would be all adding to the situation.
If you are really concerned though seek help from a child psychologist. That way they can help you with a plan that takes is specific for your child.
I would be rewarding all desired behaviour and ignoring the undesired behaviour (that doesn't mean give him what he wants when he behaves badly, but I wouldn't be responding to the behaviour and I wouldn't give him what he wants when he behaves badly in an attempt to get something). I'd also be modelling the behaviour you want.
It's going to take time and he is going to push back for awhile and that's normal when ever you implement a new strategy as the child tries harder to do what previously worked. But over time it settles down.
It's personally think it's a learnt behaviour, but it can be un-learnt.
My husbands 'mother' is a narcissistic bitch, and it started to rub off on my husband.
But he's now loving, caring and would do anything for his family and friends!
And that was 20something years of damage reversed in a few months of hard work at the start of our relationship.
But 4 year olds are their own kind of narcissistic! The whole world revolves around them and being told no is the worse thing in the world and warrants a massive meltdown.
Just try to ignore the tantrums. Do not give him any positive or negative reaction.
If he's hurting himself or damaging property, pick him up and move him safe without saying a single word.
Overly phrase all positive behavior as well.
Maybe a sticker chart, where he gets a special treat when he gets a certain amount of stickers?
And just continue to be a loving mother and he'll be fine.