Any advice really! On permanent care orders, caring for nephews, and dealing with that minefield that be their parents....

Hi,

First of all - I just want to say a huge thank you for just existing. For the last two and a half years, I have been a grateful follower/reader/responder here. I'm not a Mum. Or a parent, at least in the common term. But I have, since late 2013, had care of my two nephews. This page and site has been a comfort for me, and has helped me so much. I didn't ever really expect to be someone who came on here for advice or to ask for, I don't know - reassurance I guess (not in a bad way, at all, I just figured I could be the kind of person who takes enough in from everyone else to not need to ask for help etc).

But I do. I need help. Advice. Words of wisdom, anything really.

I don't want to bombard or overwhelm, but it might help to give some background first:

I'm the oldest sibling in my family, I grew up watching my Mother being beaten by my drunken step father and having to be the one who kept my brothers and sisters quiet so he wouldn't hurt us, or the one who stood up to him when I was scared he would kill her. I was sexually assaulted by him from such a young age that I believed there was something wrong with me, and that I was the reason my Mum and siblings got hurt. He was a monster. But my Mother, who was literally beaten to within a inch of her life and battered beyond belief, eventually became strong enough to leave him. For that she'll always be my hero.

But fast forward over a decade, and here I am. Watching my siblings fall into drugs and excuses, like what happened to us wasn't enough to make us want more for ourselves and/or our children. Maybe that's my coping mechanism, but I had to believe that what I saw/know/experienced, was some sort of lesson. Something that would help me and others to be the kind of people who could rise above it and be what we needed. Even writing that makes me feel like I'm some delusional naive person who just wants a silver lining. But it was my anchor, you know?

Anyway, my two Nephs were 4 and 7 when they came to stay, it was supposed to be a respite situation, but it became clear pretty quick that my sister just wanted permission to not be a Mum. I know she loves them, but not as much as she loves hiding away from reality, with drugs/men etc.

Is it my fault? I never spoke up about what my stepdad did to me until after my mother left him, he would threaten to do the same to my sister, so I would keep quiet. I did. I didn't know he hurt her too, I always blamed myself for what he did to me, I wasn't his real daughter, she was, for whatever stupid childish way of making sense of it all, I just believed it was because he wasn't my 'real' dad, that he hurt me.

God, if I could go back. But I can't.

I have basically beaten myself up to the point, that when my sister blamed me for what that bastard did to her years ago - I just fell apart inside. I'm the big sister. I'm supposed to be the one who watches out for them, I should've protected her etc. I always try to fix them all. Like it's my responsibility.

I know it's not my fault, I know I was an abused child and I know that I couldn't possibly have been what they expect me to have been. I, have made peace with all of that.

But enough background.

My nephews are now 6 and 9, and for the last few years they have had more stability then they have in their entire lives. They come first, no matter what. My oldest nephew started school where I am at the end of year 1 - it was his 5th school.

The youngest is now in year two, and I have been there for every milestone, every scrape, drama etc everything. I've been what they've needed, what they deserve.

DHS are now finally, after all this time, going for a permanent order placing them in my care, should I feel guilty?

I have tried to support both parents in the hopes that reunification could be a possibility, but both of them only seem to care about themselves. Neither call to talk to them, or ask how they are. I initiate all contact on behalf of the boys. It's been almost 6 months since either of them have visited the boys. I've tried to help my sister, offered her a room here to show her we can help her, paid for flights to come that she never showed up for.

It makes me so angry. So, so angry. They are both caught up in their own pity party and drug delusions, that they only see how it impacts THEM. Not the boys. I can't even count how many times they've let them done.

I have tried to be amicable. I have tried to offer support, but they can't see past blaming each other instead of trying to be who they need to be for their sons.

When I try to tell their parents how they're feeling, both their Mum and Dad just play it off like, "oh he's 9, he's more worried about the Xbox" etc. They don't even know them anymore, because they haven't tried to maintain relationships.

I have tried to always keep a part of me separate from the boys, not in a stand off way, but some emotional part telling me not to get too attached, not to pretend I could replace their parents etc. but i am so done. I know I can't be their mum or dad, but for the last 2+ years I have been their constant. I've taught them how to read, how to paint, how to sing, how to be there for each other. I've been there for every cut, tantrum, drama etc. I can't pretend that they aren't my life anymore. Not for anyone. They are.

Every day, I wake up and want to make today the best one for them yet, I want to protect them, love them, nurture then and just hold their hand as they grow up and figure out who they want to be. I want this.

I have held them as they've cried when their parents have lied to them, not shown up, or not called.

I have had to try to explain to a 6yr old why his Mummy and Daddy aren't around. I've had to watch a 9yr become so 'tough' that he pretends he doesn't care about his parents.

I'm just tired of trying to be understanding of my sister and her ex. I'm sick of it. My nephews deserve better. And I hate myself for saying that, but it's the truth. They have had years and years to try and step up and be what their children need. They haven't.

Ugh. I'm sorry. This is some long winded essay like rant. I'm just so angry and heartbroken for these boys, and no matter how hard I try to understand them, I am literally at the point that I physically feel sick to my stomach when anyone tries to justify the fact that my sister and her ex partner feel 'bad'. Screw them. Where are they while their children are growing up? Not here, that's for sure.

What do I do? I don't want my nephews going to either one of them, nothing has changed, if anything their parents are worse now. I know that DHS are now pursuing permanent care with me, and the assessment process is well and truly underway - but should I get legal representation? I know DHS want what's best for the boys, but what if they change their mind or give the either parent one more try?

I'm terrified of what they will be exposed to if they are returned to either of them.

I just need advice. What would you do? Am I just too close to this and them? I don't want to replace their parents, but I love these boys so much. With everything I am. I want them to succeed in life and have the support, love and care that they deserve. That all children deserve.

The oldest has made me promise not to let him go, he's happy. He's settled, and he's safe. They were exposed to so much drug use, dv and at once stage someone even tried to break through their mothers house through their window (which is still why he can't fall asleep in his own room unless I read til he falls asleep), they weren't being taken care of really. Since they've been with me, they've almost been in a bubble. I don't have any of that other nonsense in my life, so I sometimes forget just how much they've seen before.

I want to fight for them. For THEM. Am I the only one who believes that I'm in this for them? I know I am, but the constant barrage of abuse from everyone else just weighs me down sometimes. I just want to know that someone GETS it. They deserve to have someone who will be in their corner.

Sorry for rambling.