this will be long so please bare with me.
when i was around 10 my older brother sexually abused me on multiple occasions.
on one occasion our dad kind of interrupted and had a little rant then my mother hit me around a bit. after that i felt too scared to tell my parents of anything that happened. by the time i was about 12 my brother stopped after me finally realising it was wrong and would cry and push him away at every attempt.
it wasnt til i was around 14 that i couldnt take keeping it secret and started speaking to the school counsellor who reported it to DOCS. that was when my parents finally found out. both were in disbelief and never really comforted me (neither of them are emotional or affectionate people) DOCS wanted to charge him but as I was so scared at breaking the family apart we went with a AVO until I was 18.
anyway fast forward to now I'm 27 have two kids and married. My brother is a drugged up loser still at home pays no board or any bills and my parents keep giving him everything he wants including buying him a car.
he has a son but seperated and another child on the way and also separated. both his exs have said he has virtually forced them into sex and really doesnt give a shit about their feelings. the whole family now acts like nothing ever happened at all to me. I've tried to push it away and be civil but its hard as lately I've been having alot of flashbacks and at random times of the day too, my husband knows about it all and wants to kill him ofcourse.
suppose I'm just ranting as it still effects me so much and I'm sick of seeing him not paying for the consequences. I know I really should see someone myself but I really just wish my parents would stop babying him and kick him out! he doesn't deserve any help!
8 Replies
I'm sorry that happened. Yeah you need to see someone, early treatment for the flashbacks can make a big difference.
I have to ask why you are in contact with these toxic people? Why do you allow yourself to interact with people who failed to protect you and continue to enable his behaviour? Your parents are as much of a problem as your brother is.
You deserve so much better
My little brother did this to my younger sister. I was the one who found out, I was the one who confronted him and told my mum. I found out when my little sister was in the bath and she had a very red vagina. There was no evidence left when my sister was taken to the hospital so my mum doesn't believe it ever happened. My little brother was abused himself at a very young age it still doesn't forgive what he did.
My brother still lives at home with my mum, he's 28. She gives him everything he doesn't have a job and he doesn't help around the house I don't understand why he's still there but my mum believes she owes him because she failed him. She's right she did fail him and she failed to protect my little sister to and I still cannot stand to be around him and he has no contact with my daughter if I can help it. I only go to family gatherings to keep the peace. My little sister has no recollection of this, I'm glad but it still affects me. Have you seen a counsellor and maybe you need to see a family one where your mum and dad go to so you can work out these issues with them to. I resent my mum, can't stand my brother and have been through counselling to work on things myself 13 years after it happened. It helped but doesn't take away the memories. Just because we don't see why someone is still there like our brothers and we know they don't deserve any help doesn't mean our mothers see the same things. I'm so sorry that you went through this, I wish you had someone out there to protect you! You are strong and you will beat this. If you can have minimal contact with your family and please ensure that your sister inlaws/brothers ex's are made aware of what your brother is capable of you need to protect their children from what could happen to them if left alone with their father. Especially if they are girls. Being drugged up he is likely to reoffend and will use the drugs as an excuse. Never take any chances.
the main reason I'm still in contact with my mother is she helps out with my kids as they are still toddlers. luckily my brother is never home when she does watch them. I really want to cut all contact but as me and my husband both work we can't afford it.
My mother herself has gone through alot in her life and she calls almost daily to rant or babble on. I guess i feel bad for what shes had happen to her to cut all ties, even though she drives me nuts on occasions. But i feel she also tries to dump all her issues on me and Ive noticed I've become more snappy and get angry easily towards the kids and husband, i really feel im drowning.
I just wish it was as easy as cutting ties
Do you think your mum would see a counsellor for herself so she isn't dumping all her issues onto you. My mum does the same and I snap at her. I've found the less time I spend with her the better I feel. If cutting ties with them isn't an option your best bet is getting some more counselling to help you deal with these things and finding a way to cope with seeing them. If you see your doctor he can refer you to some counselling sessions that shouldn't cost very much at all or are free. It's is such a hard thing to deal with and overcome but I believe it's doable. When you feel yourself getting all hot and angry and like your about to snap take a few deep breaths and gather your thoughts. Get a punching bag or find another form of release other than yelling. And if you still need to yell do it. Just remember to apologise to your children. Sometimes mums can't help that they need to yell.
shes seen numerous counselors for her issues but doesnt seem to help. she was abused as a young adult (not by family) and has said to me she went through it so i shouldnt whine as it happens alot. she has no real friends so hence she tells me everything. she is a very negative person i general so i know i need to get away once I can.
Oh dear lady, this could almost be me. Except he was caught at it, both punished (yes I was too at age 8) and it continued but was never spoken of again. I've finally lost my shit in a meltdown age 30 and my brother "doesn't remember", my mother says "I didn't know" (fucking bullshit - you were THERE when I was beaten!), that she won't turn her back on her firstborn and that I should get over it because it happened to her... (yep consider that), I've found it easier to just grieve the loss of relationships I wish I had and let go of the shit ones I got. My mother I see maybe once or twice a year and she tries to pretend everything is ok but it's not, father is in jail so not even on the radar and brother? A dead shit, over 40 and still living at home not paying board, bleeds his mother for everything he can get out of her. You have two kids, a loving husband and your shit together and you did it in spite of what he did to you. Him? Just a piece of shit, drugged up loser, with the personality of a leech. I don't regret letting my lot go and I won't let guilt in, I didn't do this and neither did you. Maybe his consequences are that he is a loser and feeds on the pity of being one, one day they won't be there for him and he'll fall flat on his face. We were failed by those who should have done better and could have done better if they weren't so damned selfish and we still turned out winners in the big lottery of life. Find solace in being a winner despite what he did to you.
wow thanks that really did lift my spirits after reading that. I next time I see my mum I'm gonna tell her to back off and I cant deal with her crap on top of my own issues
It's true, you can't. Tell her to talk to her GP, take advantage of the free mental health plan (and you should too) and it's either 6 or 10 sessions with a pysch each year. She's an adult and has to be able to identify and solve her own problems, venting to you is one thing if you don't mind her doing so but dumping all her shit on you is another entirely and you, you need to discuss how this still messes with you life so they can teach you the strategies for coping. I only did my 10 sessions that first time and it got me back on track, they were exhausting though and tell you what, that poor girl just out of uni didn't know what had hit her, rocking up for her 12 month rural stint only to cop this little town cyclone - I swear she cried more than I did - but in the end we got there. Just remember, not a victim, not a survivor, you are a winner already so you have it in you to be happy. You just have to learn how :)