Hi guys,
I have a friend who was molested by a family member from a young age, this was an ongoing trauma until her early teens.
I have always been very supportive of this friend as I know first hand the devastating effects of sexual assault as I too am a sexual assault survivor.
We both have taken very different paths, I chose to not let my past define my present, I went through many years of drug addiction and therapy before I got here though.
My dilemma is that for the duration of our friendship my friend wants to talk extensively about her trauma...and I mean at parties, BBQ's, everytime she drinks, she writes statuses about it and recently I just introduced her to someone and she sat there and told him all about it...he was sooooo uncomfortable, he really didnt want that private information and it was incredibly awkward.
She then asked me if I thought she was 'too much' and if being too much was her reason for not having friends. I chose to be brutally honest and said "yes I think you can be too much, I think that you could trigger a survivor that's never opened up and you run the risk of making people very uncomfortable and kind of bring the mood down.
She sees therapists, and has done for years, she is able to vent to myself and a couple of others if she needs to talk...but she wants to tell EVERYONE!
After I told her it was too much she continued to talk and talk about details surrounding the abuse, I continued to tactfully sway the conversation in another direction....problem is when she realised I was not interested in anymore conversation (4 hours was my limit) she just went to bed.
How do I deal with this without hurting this beautiful soul?
She can be a victim in many other areas of her life as well...kind of seems like she thrives on sympathy, I do understand this is her journey, I am empathetic but it's getting too much.
3 Replies
Part of me wants to say "at all costs just be there for her" but I definately see your issue... I'm sorry you are in this position :-( I'm so sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you sound like a very supportive friend.
My ex was like this. He would also try to "one up" anyone who was talking about their life by making out like he had it worse. It made people very uncomfortable. I would tell him "So and so doesn't need to know that" or "That's not really an appropriate subject for someone who you just met" but he never stopped. Even now he still does it. I found out a lot of what he said happened to him was just made up too! I think some people just want to get sympathy and want to feel like they have it the hardest. I have no advice but just wanted to say you're a great friend.
My best friend is just like this too.
When we first met I was only 18 (so was she) and she told myself and some friends who were present, about her past. Sexually abused and raped etc.
I was really put off. I didn't like that she had shared that information with me. I have been sexually abused as well and the number of people who know about it are limited. To me it's something you share with someone you trust. Not a complete stranger.
I kept my distance but her boyfriend at the time was an old school friend of mine and my boyfriends best friend so we were inadvertently thrown together.
As time went on I got to know her on a deeper level. I grew to love her despite her flaws. I still do.
She still does the sympathy thing. Her life is so hard etc etc and has recently been diagnosed bipolar. We are now in our early 40's. This diagnosis answers a lot of questions for me.
I can't give any advice about what to do for your friend because I didn't do anything. I let her do her thing because I just couldn't bear to hurt her feelings when she had already had so much hurt in her life. I'm just her friend and I'm here when she needs me. She drives me nuts she really does! But like I said I love her.
Whatever you decide just know you're a good friend. Good luck xx