***UPDATE***
I really appreciate the positive feedback i got from this post. and while the negative feedback was hurtful, it was still kind of helpful.
I know its been awhile and i will be the first to admit it, my courage lacked for sometime. We were scared for the outcome, worried that he wouldn't take it to well, that it would negatively impact their relationship (step-dad and my son). but we also knew it needed to be said.
So, i told my son the other day that his Dad, isn't the man who helped me make him. Which i don't think he really understood either lol but i was able to explain it. He asked a few relevant questions (name, age etc) and just moved on.. just took it in his stride and accepted it.
So thanks again to those who helped :D
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How do i tell my son his dad isn't his dad?
Ok, please bare with me this one is a little bit long.
So, the backstory. My sons father walked out on us when he was 10 days old. He wasn't around much - i later found out that he had moved on and it was entirely devastating. She was 6 months pregnant when my baby was 8 months old.
After some further heartbreak, he chose her over us and we haven't seen him since.
i have been with my bf for 5 years and my son is now 6.
My son calls him dad (and did so naturally - we never pushed this) he doesn't know any different. this amazing man has taken both of my kids on like they're his own. he has been the sole male figure in my little ones life, all his life. We never mention the biological father and if we do - its not in any kind of way to bring it to my sons attention.
Recently he has become aware that my older son has a Nan and uncles from his fathers side but my youngest only has my family. He is beginning to make the extended family connections and my bfs family have (i feel) always rejected us. (So they have never been an option and have made it clear by using my bf first name instead of going down the 'dad' path).
So my question is; How do i tell my child that the man that loves him more than life itself, isn't his father?
8 Replies
I would go to the library and ask them for age appropriate books.
I think at that age all he needs to know is that you and another man made a baby, that was him, then this man went to live somewhere else and then daddy met you and the baby and chose to love you both very much and that's how your family was made.
Make sure you ask him for questions and answer them either straight away or tell him you will find out. Also its not a one time conversation. Have the same conversation/ story with him each night over a few nights, and then the following week and month to make sure he's really got it, and it becomes normal to talk about.
All the best, it's definitely better that he grows up knowing this.
My kids teachers at school when they have to talk about families came out with their lots of different types of families and reassured the kids that even if you family was different it was still a family. I had my kids coming home asking why they where left out and didnt have step parents.
Yes the school has great resources and I'm sure the library and school teacher would happily help. You could even have a chat with them about telling him and they'll be happy to explain how they talk about all the different types of families children have.
You don't say "he is not your dad", because he is. He has a dad and a biological father. That's its. My son is 7 but my husband has raised him since he was 2. My son calls him by his name but considers him his dad because he does s hell of a lot more than his real dad (who he sees). It takes more than just blood. Being able to inpregnate someone (or become pregnant) doesn't make you a parent. Your kids are very lucky to have him.
I completely agree!
Blood has never made family, as far as I'm concerned. It's love that makes a family.
This mum needs to look at it a little different. This boy is lucky enough to have two daddy's! One who he's biologically related to, and one who chose to love him.
but he doesn't have two dads. he has one dad. and one father.
He doesn't know his father. his father never changed a nappy, he never got up to him in the night, he never soothed him when he cried, he never laughed with him, never played boo, never picked him up from daycare sick, never got up through the night, never cuddled with him on the couch, never sought out bandaids, wasn't there when he learnt to ride a bike, never called to say i love you or i miss you, he never tucked him into bed or gave him a kiss goodnight.. i will never tell my son that he has two dads. The man that chose to be in our life is the man that did all of the above things. and i won't take one iota of 'dad' status away from him.
We had an almost exact situation. My eldest daughter (now 23) isn't my husband's biological child, but he is her Dad in every single other way. My husband loves her as much as his own two, and she adores him.
She has never met her biological father, although she did try to contact him a couple of years via Facebook and was ignored (that's a story for another day).
We thought long and hard about what would be the best way to let her know about her situation. I could think of nothing worse than breaking it to her as a teen - how devastating that would be to a young girl rampant with hormones! So after a lot of consideration we decided to give her the bare facts when she was old enough to take it in, but young enough for it not to really impact her, and I am so very glad we did it that way.
When she was about 5 we told her very simply and matter of factly that when Mum's and Dad's have a baby the man places his seed in her egg and a baby is made. We explained that it was another man's seed that went into my egg to make her, but that her Daddy was still her Daddy because he's the man who looks after her and tucks her into bed and give her kisses and cuddles. That was all she really needed to know at that stage and while she had a couple of questions, that was pretty much that. Over the years she asked more questions and we answered them with complete honestly, but always keeping in mind her maturity level and catering to her as was acceptable at that time. One thing we made a point of telling her, and reiterating it often over the years, was that even though Daddy was her two sister's biological Daddy he didn't love her any less - in fact she was extra special because he actually got to choose her! She loved this idea and it had a majorly positive impact on her and really minimised her feeling like she wasn't loved the same.
She and I have since spoken at length about all this and she has said she's so grateful for always knowing because it was never a shock, and she was able to process it as she grew older and started to understand more about sex and the actual physical aspects. She has some issues with her biological father, but nothing like I expected her to have, and I attribute that to having been brought up with a Dad who has loved her unconditionally from the moment he walked into her life when she was 7 months old.
Good luck with your situation, and keep in mind that with kids, while honesty is always the number one policy, sometimes less is more.
Thankyou so much, you were absolutely right. Telling him sooner rather than later has been the best thing ever!