Husband wanting me to do him strap on.
We've been together for 12 years. A few children. We have had our ups and downs but have remained staunch in our union.
When we met we were young and very adventurous. I have always known he could be bisexual. Well he is.
About a year ago we ent sex shopping and bought a whole heap of stuff. I used a strap on to give him anal. We have done this a few times (drunk). But now he talks about it all the time. He's obsessed with it. Even admits he is. Uses dildos on himself when I, as he says, refuse to 'help him out' and then carries on that I make him feel shameful when I refuse to do it to him. I never put him down on the subject. But no. I don't want to do it and here's why.
We have 3 kids under 3 and 1 step child who is in primary school. I have not had a good nights sleep in 5 years. I'm perpetually exhausted and our own 'normal' sex life has suffered. We're disconnected. Not only that there are other serious issues in our lives. Money, work and some other issues. I feel under tremendous strain just from our 'life'.
I've told him I can't take this other pressure from him. I struggle to find the energy just for love making let alone being his fantasy provider. I'm out weighed by providing for every other aspect of my life I just can't be bothered with this. I truly cannot.
Yes once in a blue moon. Sure. But I feel like there's always a build up to 'the deed'. He'll be ultra nice, do heaps of house work eye. Then lay it on me. Then guilt me for not 'helping him'. Apparently the orgasm is better if I provide it. Whatever. I don't care.
I've told him I'd rather put my energies into our 'basic' sex needs as they are lacking, although we have sex about 5-15 times a month, depending. That I really can't take this on board right now (maybe I'll never want to - BUT I'm scared if I really shut him down he'll go elsewhere and destroy our family) then he'll retreat but always comes back to the same scenarios.
I'm at a loss. I really am not into this obsession of his (gosh I could become fixated on fantasies but they are just that. Fantasises) I also feel like I could be putting off the inevitable. That he's gay. I really don't care, all I care about is our family unit. Oh and my own mental health, and his but I need mine first for me.
I've even, when I've been brave and thought 'just do it, test it' offered him to be with other men. But he refuses and says he won't go there without me. On that note, more guilt. I've told him "this is your journey, don't make me a pawn" but he got angry at that.
I seriously am at my wits end.
I just want to be happy and in love but this situation keeps arising.
I also want him to be happy.
Love some advice from people who can help. But can do without further shaming and guilt tripping. Thank you xx
8 Replies
The cycle and pressuring sounds exactly like my ex (although not anal) it's sexual abuse. only interested in their own hornyness, them getting off, no concern for you as a person (very exhausted one!) and participant.
He needs counseling. Plus ontop of that he's carrying all the other issues too, there's no doubt you will become a casualty because at the moment he probably thinks 'need anal, want to stay monogamous = wife gives me enough anal" and probably sees that as being good to you, not awfully bad.
I think that you're very normal that your priorities are 1. Intimacy, 2. Basic Sex life 3. Wild sex life and fantasy and number 3 is very far away right now. Pressure and focusing on trying to get 3 without 1 and 2 isn't going to get you both anywhere.
Get him, and possibly you both together, to see a professional and try to sort it out.
Oh I've been there. Unfortunately it was my first sexual relationship and I didn't have the maturity to explain it until later. I don't have any good answers other than I understand what it feels like to feel the pressure to 'perform' and that 'normal' sex and love making is being crowded out and pushed aside to bandaid over his obsession.
My experience was that every time I tried something new it was only minutes before he would want to try something else. The pressure to perform was awful and I felt like I was the sex toy not a girlfriend.
I think unless you can really get him to understand that he needs to back off and give you some space you are delaying the inevitable. Because its only so long before you become so broken or you snap! I'd suggest marriage counselling its worth a shot, but don't loose yourself completely in this.
Good luck
Ok fair enough if he likes and enjoys this. But he also needs to accept and understand this makes you feel uncomfortable. I think its a really really good idea to seek some professional advice. You need to speak up to him and tell him no i will not do something i dont feel comfortable with and he needs to respect your feelings.
Oh my goodness you poor thing!!! I have no advice for you mumma, but just reading this made me feel anxious so I can only imagine how you feel.
Whether its different sex or regular missionary everyday sex, the issue seems the same to me. He is not considering your feelings. I have struggled even getting my sex drive back after two pregnancies and prior we would have sex at least once or twice a day so I know it's a huge change for him considering he's lucky if I can be bothered once or twice a week. He is very lucky to have a wife that will indulge his fantasy once in a blue moon and that you will still look at ways to keep the relationship spicy seeing as he is bi and needs more to feel satisfied.
I hope you find the balance you need to be happy. Good luck mumma.
Clearly you post to get honest opinions from people so I'm going to give you my honest opinion.
I personally believe your being selfish. It made me quite upset to read that you "being his fantasy provider" isn't such a hard task for you.
As a couple I believe it's our job to fulfil each other's fanasties in the bedroom and in life in general.
By what you are writing it sounds like you are making it a shameful thing to him and this would be affecting him emotionally as well. I understand that mothers most of the time have it harder raising children and maintaining a household but I'm sure will him working and being a father he would be exhausted as well and maybe the way you relax is different to his.
Men have different sex drives and desires to women and sometimes they go through phases of different sexual fanasties and that is ok and I think you should be helping him with them. Not all the time of course but every now and then of course not just once in a blue moon when "you feel like it" I'm sorry to be blunt but if you want him to be happy and fulfilled with his life with you I believe you need to put in some effort for him.
Sex is about both people. It's give and take which means you both need to be comfortable with what your doing. You need to sit down and have an honest chat about what you both want. Set down limits and rules and review them often. Compromise where you can and tell him he needs to do the same. Consider things like having an open marriage or putting limits on how often your willing to do things. It may be that he wants you to do this thing once a week but you compromise and do it once a fortnight. Then there may be something you want him to do and he does that in return.
A good one we do in our house is that when I am getting to stressed and tired hubby needs to step up and watch the kids for a while and let me have a decent nights sleep. If he doesn't than our sex life is the first thing out the window which isn't me trying to punish him or anything it's just that when your tired the last thing you want to do is have sex so we both end up missing out. He knows this because we talked about it so when he sees me getting tired he steps up without me having to ask. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Good luck to both of you
Wow, I'm actually shocked by the number of responses telling you to compromise, that you need to consider his needs and that it 'works both ways'
No person should be forced, manipulated, guilted or badgered in to performing sexual acts that they don't want to do.
Where is the strong female mindset and knowing that 'no means no' end of story?